BPD?

Hi,

I have struggled with mental health problems for many years and I'm finally gonna see a psychiatrist next week to embark on getting a diagnosis.

I've done some research and quite a lot of thinking and I've discovered I have significant similarities with Bipolar type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and...Borderline Personality Disorder.

Concerning Borderline...
I don't wanna start writing all those aspects of my personality that fits hand in glove to the disorder- there are way too many.
I'd rather ask you some questions about those things that I don't feel fit perfectly, to know whether someone with BPD might be like me or if I'm completely wrong in thinking I might have it.

I don't have black and white thinking generally...I think. I only think I have black and white thinking in terms of relations with other people. When it comes to other people I very much think in black and white terms- whether the person likes me enough, whether the person still wanna be my friend, whether the person is unhappy with me, whether the person is accusing me of something etc.

Also, I feel I am quite aware of my own identity. I know who I am and what I stand for. I have some very strong opinions on many things that I'm not scared of voicing to my friends. However, my confidence changes a lot. Most of the time I feel absolutely awful about myself, but other times I feel somewhat OK about myself. I also tend to change in how I dress. Usually I dress somewhat sloppy. But for periods of time I start dressing up, putting on tons of make up, doing my hair nicely etc- because I feel I wanna be posh. I also have periods where I start getting lots of piercings, colour my hair black, tattoos etc.
I also tend to agree with people- if I feel they are 'stronger' than me (I feel a lot of people are) or if I don't know them that well. Then I say what they want me to say in order to get them to like me. Only in terms of politics I always say what I really think. I freak out later if I feel I've said something I shouldn't and then maybe the person will dislike me now.

Also, I am quite good at hiding my moods. My friends rarely ever see me angry, shout or even sad. I cover it all up quite well- I learnt that as a child. Only my husband and previous partners saw my moods. And they've seen them a lot! So much that I don't sometimes understand how my husband can still be with me. I get so angry with him for no reason. Shout and scream. Throw things around. Become completely hysterical. Or I get anxious, sad, depressed. My moods are very much in control of our relationship.

I have separation anxiety about my friends- but they don't have a clue...as far as I know. But my separation anxiety shows much much more in terms of partners- I'm always scared my husband plus previous partners will leave me or cheat. I have daily break downs because of minor things I start reading into. My husband always has to prove himself to me.

I don't have short and turbulent relations with friends. I have few friends- but these are very good friends. I am scared of being too attached to a person and actually can sometimes get annoyed if a person wants to be very attached to me and see me always. But it depends on who it is. Other people I like to see everyday, always. But I've only had few so attached friendships- because I'm scared to initiate them. And because as dependent I am on being with people and can freak out if I don't have any plans for two days, as much I also sometimes need my space and be alone doing nothing. I have periods of time where I don't wanna see nobody and I have other periods of time where I need to be with people constantly.

As mentioned my friends rarely ever see my moods- when my moods are too bad, I simply leave. My friends are used to having me visiting them and leaving after less than an hour- because I can't be with them when my mood is too bad. I don't want them to see it.

However, I very much have short and turbulent relations with men. Until I met my husband, my relationships lasted only for 1-6 months (6 months was the longest ever for me- that was a huge accomplishment). I've had many short relationships, very many. When I was a teenager-20 years old, I loved being single and being a player. But I always dated someone, often more than one person at a time. I couldn't be all alone. But I wouldn't necessarily wanna be 'tied' up either. As I reached 22 I started becoming desperate for being in a real relationships at all times. I couldn't be single at all anymore- the thought of it terrified me.

My relationships with men are very intense and extreme. I put all my insecurity and dependency on them- much more on men than on friends. I get so dependent that it's almost scary. I always manage to ruin my relationships in some way or the other and I've cheated a lot- I'd rather hurt them than being hurt. Only my relationship with my husband has lasted long (3 years). But it's a daily struggle!

I'm not very close with my family. They are sadly almost more acquittances than family- so they're in the 'friend box'. My parents get mad if I call more than twice a month- there's not much parents about them!

So... Do any of you only put out your emotional difficulties on partners? And hide it as good as you can, from everybody else. And are your relations with other friends more normal than the relationships with partners?

And is any of your black and white thinking only limited to relationships?

Hi Nille,

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to give you the kind of response you are looking for but I will just say what I think after reading your post.

First of all, however many symptoms you have of any mental illness, the only person who can diagnose you properly is a qualified psychiatrist. If you don't agree with the diagnosis you get you can express your concerns or ask for a second opinion.

As far as black and white thinking goes, it's usually very straight forward and concerns many things and not just relationships. E.g. black and white thinking is either feeling someone is perfect and flawless or that they are awful and nasty, but not in between like a good person who has done something bad. It's also an all or nothing way of thinking.

I tend to be similar in that I act out mostly with people I have the most intimate relationships or people I live closely with, but I think the emotional reactions are different for everyone with BPD. The person who diagnoses you will be able to explain and answer your questions best I think.

deethebee wrote:however many symptoms you have of any mental illness, the only person who can diagnose you properly is a qualified psychiatrist.

Very important statement. I agree fully but you have stated that you are on the path to get an official diagnosis.

As far as the rest, don't feel you must have all the criteria listed for Borderlines. I don't, in fact few if any do. I have said many times that when it comes to personality disorders, since we all have different personalities we all leave different messes when they're disordered. We have similarities, but each of us is unique in our expression or version of BPD.

Hope you are successful in finding out what's causing you problems. Most of us (if not all) knew something was different about our thinking than others long before we were ever diagnosed.

Hi,

Thank you for your replies! They were just what I was looking for.

And yes I am aware that only a psychiatrist can give me a diagnoses, which is why I have started seeing one

I have seen the psychiatrist once so far and he says I'm either Bipolar or Borderline, or both. I am to see him again next week to further explore 'what's going on'.