where to put this? Children affected? *May Trigger

Hello everyone,

I am unsure where to post this. I may be okay putting this here?

I was wondering how many of you have children and how your bpd has affected them? Or at least whether you think you have already done some damage?

I understand this is a bit of a touchy subject. Sorry. I am just going through the motions of guilt and shame myself and I suppose I just need to reach out for some reassurence.

Thank you in advance.
x x

My ex partner was BPD his children were not too badly affected.
They knew he loved them and would never deliberately have hurt them. He was not a violent person.

I think if kids feel genuinely loved, even if mum/dad can be crazy at times they can be OK. No love, that hurts children.

I think it depends on the age of the child, and quite honestly, the child.

My X who suffers with BPD, had two daughters.

The oldest one (twenty something), he disowned a long time ago. She loves her dad because he is her dad, nothing more.

His other daughter, (possibly histrionic, eighteen-ish), was treated better than I was,
He would compensate for his behaviour by; letting her do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. And if that didn’t work, he would purchase whatever she wanted. She was fine with it all.

My son, (fourteen) very different story, I will not get into specifics other to say that he was treated horribly.
He hates my X (or says he does) and will not mention him by name, and will leave the room when someone else speaks of the X. He is hurt, confused and very angry. (has a counsellor)

We are working on this.. I am speaking to my son about disorders and BPD, and what sufferers do to others is not the "true" person. They do not mean to hurt. He is understanding of this but needs to get over his own pain first.

mf

I think this is a VERY important topic to raise for everyone on this board.

If anyone finds that it is triggering for them, please PM me, and I will add a warning to the topic title.

At this time, I do not want to defer other members from giving an opion, as I think this is a healthy place to give past experiences from each of our backgrounds.


<3


AMP

Sorry miss A;
should have added trigger...

mf

myfault wrote:I think it depends on the age of the child, and quite honestly, the child.

My X who suffers with BPD, had two daughters.

The oldest one (twenty something), he disowned a long time ago. She loves her dad because he is her dad, nothing more.

His other daughter, (possibly histrionic, eighteen-ish), was treated better than I was,
He would compensate for his behaviour by; letting her do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. And if that didn’t work, he would purchase whatever she wanted. She was fine with it all.

My son, (fourteen) very different story, I will not get into specifics other to say that he was treated horribly.
He hates my X (or says he does) and will not mention him by name, and will leave the room when someone else speaks of the X. He is hurt, confused and very angry. (has a counsellor)

We are working on this.. I am speaking to my son about disorders and BPD, and what sufferers do to others is not the "true" person. They do not mean to hurt. He is understanding of this but needs to get over his own pain first.

mf

Hi,

I just wanted to give my thoughts on the BIB.
Personally, I don't think your son needs to know about the ins and outs of BPD or whether the father 'meant it' or not.

In a spousal relationship, I think this is appropriate, as the person is chosing to stay with someone who has BPD. They can decide if they want to stay with the person.

But in your son's case, and other children of pwBPD, abuse is abuse, and they did not chose to have a mentally usnstable parent. It doesn't matter if the person means it or not. My parents are both Narcissists. I have no interest in knowing why it happens, or about their childhood abuse. It's not my problem. They chose to have kids, and abused me. End of.

I think learning about the specifics of BPD child abuse is important, to try and undo the mental damage. Learning the specifics of Narc child abuse helped me to understand- the projection, the engulfing, the emotional incest, the control etc.

All of the women in my therapy group are abusing their kids in one way or another. Some of it is emotional incest, expecting their kids to sort their problems out, verbal abuse, exposing them to self-harm and alcohol abuse.

So, I think your son doesn't need to be burdened with his father's BPD. His father is a child abuser, doens't matter what the diagnosis is.

I'll add the trigger warning, since I was asked, but I do hope that many of our members will find this topic useful.

My hearts and hugs to you all <3


AMP

lily

My X that suffered was not my sons father,
he came into the picture when my son was eleven.
Just like his daughters were not mine.
*** rambling clarification***

I agree with what you have said that abuse is abuse.
I do also allow my son to be angry, to not want to mention my X by name.
That is his right. Yes the complex ins and outs of BPD are something he does not need to understand, yet when he asks me questions I do provide the answers.

I guess as a co-dependant (single) mom, I do not want my son to end up like me.
I would like my son to be able to pick up on red flags and nuances.
Yet at the same time I do want him to learn the value of empathy and sympathy.

It is heartbreaking when Your son says,
“ mom, next time can you pick someone that at least likes me”

mf

myfault wrote:lily

My X that suffered was not my sons father,
he came into the picture when my son was eleven.
Just like his daughters were not mine.
*** rambling clarification***

I agree with what you have said that abuse is abuse.
I do also allow my son to be angry, to not want to mention my X by name.
That is his right. Yes the complex ins and outs of BPD are something he does not need to understand, yet when he asks me questions I do provide the answers.

I guess as a co-dependant (single) mom, I do not want my son to end up like me.
I would like my son to be able to pick up on red flags and nuances.
Yet at the same time I do want him to learn the value of empathy and sympathy.

It is heartbreaking when Your son says,
“ mom, next time can you pick someone that at least likes me”

mf

Ah ok, sorry, I misread.

Does your ex have a BPD diagnosis? Has he ever shown awareness of his condition? Does he drink or self-harm or anything?

Yeah, that is so sad. It's so sad that kids take things so personally. I guess like for me, realising that Narcs can never love in a healthy way, helped me.
So i guess knowing that the abuse wasn't personal. I still can't imagine why he did that to your son. Maybe it was jealousy.

Has being on here helped you understand BPD?

Lily82 wrote:

myfault wrote:lily

My X that suffered was not my sons father,
he came into the picture when my son was eleven.
Just like his daughters were not mine.
*** rambling clarification***

I agree with what you have said that abuse is abuse.
I do also allow my son to be angry, to not want to mention my X by name.
That is his right. Yes the complex ins and outs of BPD are something he does not need to understand, yet when he asks me questions I do provide the answers.

I guess as a co-dependant (single) mom, I do not want my son to end up like me.
I would like my son to be able to pick up on red flags and nuances.
Yet at the same time I do want him to learn the value of empathy and sympathy.

It is heartbreaking when Your son says,
“ mom, next time can you pick someone that at least likes me”

mf

Ah ok, sorry, I misread.

Does your ex have a BPD diagnosis? Has he ever shown awareness of his condition? Does he drink or self-harm or anything?

Yeah, that is so sad. It's so sad that kids take things so personally. I guess like for me, realising that Narcs can never love in a healthy way, helped me.
So i guess knowing that the abuse wasn't personal. I still can't imagine why he did that to your son. Maybe it was jealousy.

Has being on here helped you understand BPD?

lily;
I think we both got our lines crossed..lol
My X is going for diagnosis, (diagnosed bi-polar) and knows something is wrong..
but did not want help or to get help. his choice.
was an Alcoholic, before I met him, drug abuser when I knew him and tried to commit suicide while I was with him.
Why he verbally abused my son, I have no Idea.. Me I know.. now.
Yes it has helped me to understand.
I was lost before.. standing looking at a closed door that my X just walked out of..left me doing the W.T.F..??? and left my son doing the same.
Non's sites are Understandably full of anger, pain, etc. but only a non's view...

You can only read so much. I needed to understand the other side.. per say.
I learned so much from each and every one of you, things that helped me move on and helped me figure out that I was my X’s trigger! My son was my X’s trigger…and so on.
Things still creep up on me, questions I have. And in reading threads I get my Ah ha moments.

Maybe I am naive, I feel as well that if I understand what happens, how my X felt then I somehow can get others to understand.. And not view it as something to shun.

mf