New here...

Hi there,

I'm brand new to the forum and to understanding my illness. I was diagnosed a few months ago after many years of suffering and not knowing what was wrong with me. Doctors just kept saying I was depressed and giving me anti depressants that had no effect. I am glad I now finally know what is wrong with me, even if I don't know why and in a way I wish I had something that could just be treated with a drug like Bipolar Disorder (which I initally thought I had) but sadly not, so I've come to the realisation that even though I have a diagnosis it's still going to be a long time and a lot of hard work and pain until I am better.

Something I have never quite understood is why my symptoms seem to get much worse with family and boyfriends than with friends...I've never had a big blowout with a friend or gotten into a rage with them as I have done with past boyfriends and family. Does anyone know why this might be?

The illness has really taken over my life over the past year or so. After 6 years of being single and hurt my potential love interests etc I just withdrew from social activities and seeing friends. So I'm at the worst point I've ever been at. I tried to go on holiday with my mom but it's been a nightmare and I've been suicidal on so many occasions that this "holiday" has not been enjoyable at all and I'm so sick and tired of not being able to enjoy anything. It doesn't help that despite my mom knowing what's wrong with me, she is clearly not trying to do any research and understand my condition properly and so she makes it worse. I've reached a point where I have to say to her that I need to remove her from my life until she is prepared to get support herself because she's making things worse for me. She has also made me feel like a very heavy burden and often says things to this effect and I feel like it's better if I'm not in her life anyway if that's how she sees me. The last thing I want is to be a burden to anyone, but I can't help that I feel incapable of doing anything alone and want love and support.

Anyway, it'd be great to have a perspective from others here. I am not yet being treated...I'm still waiting for something to be done whilst I sit on the edge of suicide. I really wonder if the people in the health system really do give a damn...

Wow it's like you speak for me. My family refuse to try and understand my disorder and won't do any research on it. They don't even watch any short YouTube videos or anything that doesn't need any effort of reading. Even if I put it right on a plate for them they just don't care.

I've also withdrawn myself from the outside world. I had 'acquaintances' that I got from going to conventions and stuff, but we only stayed in contact via Facebook. I was always expected to travel to see them and they never bother come see me. I decided to delete my Facebook and just have no one altogether. I've been single 2 years and I'm so lonely and I hate it. My life feels depressingly worse and worse every day and I find myself running over and over in my head WHY AM I STILL ALIVE? I'M A WASTE OF AIR.

I definitely know how you feel. -hugs-

I did the same thing with Facebook - deleted it altogether! Now I have one that no one knows about except a couple of family members and I don't go on very much at all. In my opinion Facebook is a terrible place for people like us because, I don't know about you, but when you put up statuses or notes or pictures or whatever and 1 or 2 people (if any) out of 80 on your friends list respond it just emphasises how little everyone else on your list cares about your thoughts and feelings. But other people get tons of responses and I have no idea why...you just think, why are they more liked than me? What's wrong with me?! So yeah, being on there definitely wasn't helping me and at least I suppose it's good to realise that.

In my case I don't know if my family are so much as refusing to find out or help, it seems like perhaps they cannot accept the full extent of my problems and they think I'm just being unreasonable and that it will go away - like they think that because some of the time I have the ability to rationalise and be "normal" that I should be able to control my behaviour somehow. Even though I've explained to my mom that it's not going to happen and that without validation it will just get worse and that I have no control, she still seems to be doing the same stuff. She says she wants to help but it seems to be all talk and no action. I haven't discussed it in detail with my other family members as I don't believe it will be any different with them. I feel like I just need to get a place of my own and not be in a position where I can lose control and they can treat me like I'm a nutcase. I can only do that if I can choose when to be around them.

But like you, I am very lonely and I don't feel like any of my old friends care apart from one so I've cut contact with them. Like you, they also seemed to only expect me to go visit them. I came on this holiday to see my sister and her kids who I haven't seen in years and one of my nieces who is 4 doesn't seem to like me at all. She's outright rejected me for no reason (apart from maybe not giving her everything she wants all the time like everyone else does) and that has made it really hard so I've not actually spent much time here at all. The only person in my life who really makes me feel loved unconditionally is my other 4 year old niece back home because she is so affectionate and loving and always happy to see me and tells me she loves me. If I didn't have her I think I would probably have found a way to take my life already.

Why do you think your family don't care? Do you think that maybe they don't want to face the reality of your condition? It is hard to accept that a family member has a mental illness I guess. Are you getting treatment? It can be a good idea to get a professional to talk to your family...that may help them accept your problems.

I'm on the waiting list for DBT. That's all there is to it.

My parents had a counsellor that was provided for them by my MH team they saw for one session and decided that "nothing was wrong with them and what they were doing" so they stopped going. My parents are so ignorant.

Your MH team don't sound very good Family members need constant support to help them deal with your illness and not make things worse for you...but if my mom went to see someone and they told her she was doing the right thing I'd be furious. If she was doing the right thing why would I feel so much anger towards her and why would she be making me feel so crap?? I realise a lot of it is in my own head, but I KNOW that there are things she could be doing to help or not make things worse. I don't know what exactly as there's nothing she's done when I've been upset to calm me down...it has always escalated because I am upset and she behaves like I'm just being annoying. Perhaps if she tried to talk to me calmly and made some suggestions on what to do to make me feel better at the time...? I am not sure. But things blow up and then only afterward she says, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" Now?! No! It's a bit late for talking after all of that...I just want to crawl into a hole and die and talking at that point is not going to help. But maybe talking before things get out of control, yes.

Have you tried telling your family how you feel?

Heya,

Welcome to the forum, I'm very similar to you regarding the social aspect, I've also deleted my facebook and do believe that it is a bad thing for pwBPD to use..

Was just wondering where abouts you live?

B

I live in the UK, but at the moment I am in Costa Rica.

deethebee wrote:Your MH team don't sound very good Family members need constant support to help them deal with your illness and not make things worse for you...but if my mom went to see someone and they told her she was doing the right thing I'd be furious. If she was doing the right thing why would I feel so much anger towards her and why would she be making me feel so crap?? I realise a lot of it is in my own head, but I KNOW that there are things she could be doing to help or not make things worse. I don't know what exactly as there's nothing she's done when I've been upset to calm me down...it has always escalated because I am upset and she behaves like I'm just being annoying. Perhaps if she tried to talk to me calmly and made some suggestions on what to do to make me feel better at the time...? I am not sure. But things blow up and then only afterward she says, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" Now?! No! It's a bit late for talking after all of that...I just want to crawl into a hole and die and talking at that point is not going to help. But maybe talking before things get out of control, yes.

Have you tried telling your family how you feel?

There's nothing wrong with my MH team. It's not their fault my parents don't wanna do anything to help themselves.

Of course I've told them how I feel, they don't care.

Ah well, I was just thinking they didn't sound great since they told your family they weren't doing anything wrong...well I hope it works out for you.

My mom would yell/criticize me all the time for anything until I shot her reasons for them down and demanded kindness and friendliness... and that criticisms/negativity only makes things worse.
I think my mom realized she cares about me because she is now behaving and trying to get along.
Or maybe I became so stern looking that she can't help but take me serious.

I used to rage only to those close to me but now it leaked to where I can't conceal it even to strangers, at least through nonverbal communication or business transactions. I think what held me back was there was no reason for me to rage at them, and also since friends are mostly about having fun together.

I hope you feel better. *hug*