Another Dx to add to the list

Hi, I'm new

I've been in some form of therapy or another since I was 13 or so, I'm 25 now. I have a list of diagnoses but this is a new one.

I can get into (sometimes violent) rages. I have threatened people physically (i'm only a small girl so... i think it shocks people). I've been suicidal, I've put my family through hell. I've self harmed for 10 years, i guess i'm a stereotype v_v.

My biggest problem right now is the loneliness and emptiness.

I don't know how to make friends, I just sit on the sidelines and watch other people interacting. It doesn't come natural to me. I obsess about people, rather than talking to them i try to find out everything i can about them, stalk them online etc. I don't want to bother anyone with my presence, i feel like i'm annoying people, they don't really want me around but are too nice to say so. I'm sure some people talk badly about me behind my back, the rest just forget I exist as soon as i'm not around. Out of sight, out of mind. If there's a group of people talking, i can't join the conversation because i'll feel like i'm interrrupting, they'll be looking at me thinking "why the hell is SHE here?".

I know that people hate me before they even speak to me. I've had relationships where i didn't even care or even like the person, but just not wanting to be alone. I have been cold and uncaring with people in relationships and then paranoid clingy and terrified they are going to leave me both within the same day. I'm convinced i'm the worst person in the world and if someone takes an interest in me i try to warn them off, tell them they will eventually hate me too.

Such a contradiction, I want friends, someone to talk to but i can't do the social interaction thing for very long and i end up being cold to the person until they go away. Of course when they go it's because 'they hate me' and i am a horrible person. I have no contacts outside of the internet anyway (where I still seem to be phobic about talking to people - even this is incredibly hard). The 'friends' I used to have were 'stolen' from my boyfriend and when we broke up they stopped pretending to like me. I found messages between my ex and my 'friends' saying you're better off without her, she's ###$ up in the head anyway. None of them bothered to contact me after that. Even the ones who swore blind they actually liked me when I voiced my insecurity. I guess they were being polite.

I don't trust anyone who is nice to me. They are either trying to trick me or they aren't seeing the real me. It's just a waiting game for them to see and start hating me too. I feel empty and disconnected from the world. I have a long standing belief that i'm defective, like a broken piece of machinery.

I have never told my doctors any of this (i'm seeing them for other things), but they have diagnosed me with BPD anyway. I'm not sure about it.

I know i'm not an easy person to be around, and yes probably ###$ up in the head. Is it so much to ask for one friend? Even murderers have friends. Writing this actually has made me realise why I don't deserve any.

I don't feel i will ever change. It's been too long. I guess I'm wondering if there is any hope at all?

Hi Kyrie!

Welcome to our forum... BPD can be a scary diagnosis, but once you get used to the initial shock and awe, it can be a better way to understand yourself.

I hope that you will find our forum very supportive and helpful, as there are many seasoned veterans of the disorder (me too!) here, and also plenty of new people with the diagnosis, or that wish to learn more.

If you have any questions, or need any private assistance, please feel free to PM me :0)


<3


AMP

Hi Kyrie!

Welcome to the "club". I feel the same way about my diagnosis, it's just one of many on a long list that started when I was a teenager. I can certainly relate to everything you said. This forum is definitely a good resource to learn more about the disorder, I have learned so much here in just the few months I've been coming. Hope to see you on here often!

Val

Thankyou for the welcome ^_^

Valerian, I'm glad (in a way) you said you can relate. I often feel like i'm the only one who feels like this. Who am I kidding? I'm not that special!