new, undiagnosed, need help!

Catchy title huh? So I am almost positive I have bpd after doing a lot of research. I have a 25 year history of mental...something. Mostly diagnosed as depression. I've seen many therapists and I've been on a ton of anti-depressants, but nothing has ever helped in any way. The thing is, NOBODY ever asked me the questions that would diagnose bpd! Over the last few years things have gotten a bit easier, as I kind of intuitively put aside the behaviors that hurt me most (ie rampant promiscuity, binge eating, overspending, to name a few fun ones).

But there is still that underlying void. I feel nothing besides emptiness, anger, boredom, and sadness, with a little guilt and desperation thrown in for sh*ts and giggles. The days I feel nothing are GREAT days, because at least I'm not pissed off...but that's as good as it gets for me. I need to feel something good again, and I NEED to be a better mom. Life is too short to feel nothing all the time.

So now I'm a jobless student (layoff allowed me to pursue a nursing degree) under a LOT of stress (again, nursing student, single unemployed mom! FUN!) and things are starting to get bad. I'm trying to get in to see someone but with no insurance, it's not so easy. I just don't know where to turn right now. :/ Any suggestions?

Your situation is very similar to mine, long history of miss diagnoses, though it is hard for a doc to pinpoint your diagnoses correctly. I think if you search it out there may be medical aid for you through the state if you are poor and unemployed, it is not the best, they generally only give you 15 minute sessions but it is better than nothing, and it seems you have a pretty good understanding of your self so that should help the doc narrow it down for you. It is very difficult to take control of our individual symptoms but it is possible with practice and therapy , maybe meds, maybe not, but the best thing at this point is for you to try to find a way to see a doc, maybe if you inquire about how to see a doc in the general forum someone with more knowledge may be able to assist you, I wish you the best of luck, it sucks living with a mental illness but with determination, self awareness and help, the void can be filled and symptoms can be corralled and subdued.

Thank you for responding. I think that with age I am getting more self aware and that's helping a lot, but I still need someone to talk to.

Hiya, what you feel sound very similar to my state of mind most days. I often feel guilty towards other people because I can go through spells where I just feel numb and angry and nothing I do gets me out of it, and I don't know what to do about it. I worry it can come across as if I don't care for other people's feelings. Only I really do, it's just like I am stuck in a bubble and I can't reach out. Like you I have never been officially diagnosed, but it amazed me how I ticked all the boxes on BPD and it's given me just a little light at the end of the tunnel knowing I am not the only one out there! I try to focus on the little things, which I know is easier said than done especially if you have kids and studies to worry about, but healing starts within yourself, and at least putting a name to it will hopefully get you on your way.
Really hope you find someone who can help, I have not even had the guts to talk to anyone about it.

It is very difficult to open up to someone you don't even know ,even if they do have a PhD. When you decide to see a Doc don't go in with huge expectations of yourself or the Doc,it takes time for us to trust someone to go into details about ourselves, diagnoses will come at some point but just start off with talking about your day, or week, or month, I had an extremely hard time sleeping which amplified my illness by magnitudes so it was one of the first things that I talked about with my therapist, I was prescribed a mild sleep aid, I got the first good night sleep in as long as I can remember, no it did not cure me or treat my illness, but the rest I had was wonderful and I was very grateful, this lead to me being more open with my therapist and consequently the better understanding of my condition, I have yet to be officially diagnosed, everything points to BPD/schizoid, but a label will not fix me, but getting over the hurdle of opening up is helping me and is also giving the Doc a better understanding of my illness.

Milkie, you are so right, it does help to know that we're not the only ones. But at the same time, it's kind of discouraging too. I assumed that once I stopped sleeping with randoms, stopped eating too much, stopped getting blackout drunk every Friday, got organized, committed to my education and future career that my life would just come together and the hole would be filled...but it's just worse! Because yeah it's not being filled with bad destructive things, and that's good...but now it's not being filled at all! And that's the part I can't seem to change on my own. Also, being in a bubble is EXACTLY how I feel. I WANT to be close to people, but I just can't. It's terrifying to think that I might never have a relationship again.

JW you make a great point. It's not easy for me to open up to anyone, so I can't expect to just sit down with a pro and get relief immediately. That's not how it's gonna work. Jesus, why does this have to be so hard??

-- Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:45 am --

Oh and forgot to say, I hope you can get to talk to someone too Milkie. And thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it.

iamfinallyhere wrote:Milkie, you are so right, it does help to know that we're not the only ones. But at the same time, it's kind of discouraging too. I assumed that once I stopped sleeping with randoms, stopped eating too much, stopped getting blackout drunk every Friday, got organized, committed to my education and future career that my life would just come together and the hole would be filled...but it's just worse! Because yeah it's not being filled with bad destructive things, and that's good...but now it's not being filled at all! And that's the part I can't seem to change on my own. Also, being in a bubble is EXACTLY how I feel. I WANT to be close to people, but I just can't. It's terrifying to think that I might never have a relationship again.

JW you make a great point. It's not easy for me to open up to anyone, so I can't expect to just sit down with a pro and get relief immediately. That's not how it's gonna work. Jesus, why does this have to be so hard??

-- Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:45 am --

Oh and forgot to say, I hope you can get to talk to someone too Milkie. And thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it.

The only way you can fill this hole, is by facing up to the issues that have cauesd the BPD. The chaos of BPD is addictive, makes us feel alive.
The reason we have this empty hole, is because we are detached from our 'true selves' and are numbed and dissociated from our pain.

Please try Trauma Release Exercises. They have helped massively in my recovery. I had so many denefses up that I couldn't even begin to see my 'true self' or what was causing the BPD. Releasing the trauma from my body and my mind, gave me such a sense of peace. Slowly the modes have been coming down, and I am beginning to have true compassion towards myself. Not 'boo hoo self-pity everybody leaves me'. But genuine 'OK I am in a lot of pain and I need to help myself'.

Getting close to my 'true' pain, was intense. I had no idea what I was blocking off. But remember you are an adult now, and there are things to help you get through it.

Trust me, I was so crazy with BPD. I had constant rages, I was stalking and obsessing, having dissociation blackouts, psychotic breaks, alcoholic, self-harming and swallowing sharp objects.I had no idea how ill I was. Looking back, I can see how ill I was, but I rejected all help because I would interpret everything as criticism.

Please give the TRE a go. I have posted about it here
borderline-personality/topic83179.html

Oh an this too
borderline-personality/topic83328.html

Thanks Iamfinallyhere, it's odd because I am in a totally different situation from you. I have no kids, I love my job, I have a husband whom I have been dating since I was 19 and I really have nothing to complain about. I can't even say I have had a particularly dreadful life. My mother was an alcoholic and depressed when I was a child and as such never paid us much attention and I never felt close to her, but because I have a twin sister we managed by ourselves.
But like you say there is always that void, and it makes me feel terrible as I know I should be grateful for all I've got. I think you are very brave to face what ails you, and I have no doubt that you will be able to dig into your soul and find someone/something to help you.
I was reading Lily's comment (sorry I don't mean to piggyback onto your post but there's some good advice there). I admittedly have stalked in the past, and I still obsess over certain people until I get so tangled up I can't seem to get out. It's like my priorities and my focus on life are completely off. My husband does not know (and neither do the people I obsess myself with) and I do whatever I can to keep this side of me away from him.
I am going to jump onto Lily's advice and read up on it. If there's any way to live a normal life without constantly having to be 2 people!

-- Thu Feb 23, 2012 5:31 pm --

Oh and one more thing: I don't believe for a second you will never be in a relationship again. I am a firm believer in fate and though I know if we want to get better we should start taking a good close look at ourselves. I think we are our own worst enemy and at the sime time also our own best friend, as I know we can lift ourselves if we really dig. And even if you can start having a few more good days to start with, and build upon it, I know it will show on the outside immediately.
It's a cliche I now! But the most important thing is not to give up! Just joining this forum has made me feel a bit more hopeful already

Lily thank you, the TRE sounds really great. I'm going to check it out tonight.

Milkie I agree, I feel much better just coming here. Very hopeful!