Hey, there. I'm the new guy. *Er... Trigger? Maybe...?*

Hi, I'm John, or Fueledbycoffee, or FBC, or whatever you feel like calling me. This is my first post, and I've come on here after a pretty harrowing few days, so forgive me if I sound a bit cracked, or divulge too much information than is socially acceptable. I'm in a bit of a state, and I always seem to talk too much on forums anyway. Something about the anonymity gets me talking. I've been in and out of therapy for most of my life, but have never been diagnosed with anything, since I'll decide I don't like the doctor, and won't stick around long enough to be formally diagnosed. Well, that's not quite accurate. When I was thirteen, I was diagnosed Aspergers after an incident at school, but the doctor said I was so high functioning that it barely even mattered. I'm not even sure if I'm Aspie at all, having met a great many, and not relating to them at all. Oh, and I was heavily medicated as a young boy, but was never quite told why. It was Ritalin and Adderall, mostly, so I figure ADHD. Need to talk to my mother about that. Anyhow, I'm trying to be honest here, which means I'm drunk and probably a bit long-winded. I hope you'll forgive me.

Anyhow, the reason I'm posting here is as follows: I've never been quite right, not since high school, and I've been reminded of this fact constantly by my family. Being a bit self absorbed, I've done extensive research on personality disorders and developmental disorders, trying to figure out what was up with me, and none of them really seem to fit perfectly. The closest I've come to fitting all the symptoms so far, from the sounds of it, may be Borderline. Figured I see what you guys thought, since many of you are diagnosed. See if any of this sounds familiar. Wikipedia can only help so much.

I have no idea how to lead into this, so I'll just go on with it. Heck, I'm drunk anyway, what do I care? I have no idea who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. I can't hold onto a goal for more than a few days. My opinions of friends and family will turn about in moments. I can go from deeply, suicidally depressed to manic as hell, back again, and back to normal on my way to work. To the extent that I even understand what it is, my concept of identity is fried. Who I am changes depending on who I'm with. I will do or say pretty much anything to believe that someone likes me, or cares about me. I have a few real friends, who have been with me since youth, have seen me throughout that whole time, good or bad, have stuck with me, and they know me by this point, I figure. Or they just keep me around because they feel bad for me.

I can hold a job, but barely. By a thread. I always seem, or think, like I'm right on the edge of being fired, so I constantly kiss manager's butts, or take everyone else's work. One coworker called me a "yes-man". I can't argue with it. I'm constantly worried that nobody cares, that no one actually likes me, that putting up with John is just a formality. I think everyone's gonna leave, that they're just looking for an excuse to get out of here. So I kiss their butt to keep them here. Feed their ego. Works almost every time.

My biggest problem has always been trying to feel balanced. I will do anything to try and make me feel better. I have polished off a fifth and a half of vodka so far, today. I smoke two packs a day, just to lessen my anxiety, or paranoia, or idea that everyone secretly hates me, or whatever you call it. I try not to freak out, and nicotine does wonders for keeping me calm. Weed helps, but I do it so rarely, I'm trying to keep my tolerance low, to use it as my "nuke", when none of my other vices work. Just incapacitate me, get me so high I can't move, so I won't do anything dumb. If you could tell, substance abuse is definitely a problem. Along with driving like a lunatic, stealing, cutting, and any number of other things that totally seem like good ideas at the time.

Yeah, I cut. It's rare, and only at my worst, but I have been known to cut. That's pretty much been why I am trying to do something. I relapsed the other day. Or week. Heck if I know. I can't keep track of hours, let alone days. Feels like I've been writing this for days. I haven't drank or smoked weed for about 10 months, and haven't cut for about three years, but I found myself doing all three the other night. Just taking shots, smoking, and then suddenly deciding to practice my Arabic "Alif-Baa" (alphabet) on my leg. I always figured college was a bad idea, and it seems so. Smarts just mess you up more, it seems. Heh.

The only thing I don't associate with off of the BPD symptoms list is the rage. Granted, I get pissy with my parents. Like the time my mother decided to sing along with the Germans in that scene in Casablanca, and I threw an iron at her head. Well, I'm drunker and drunker if I'm gonna tell this story. Probably shouldn't have said that. Oh well. Yeah, well, I chucked an iron at my mother's head. She hasn't sang in public in years. It makes me sad, she has a beautiful voice, and feel like that's why. God, I'm a jerk.

As far as anger goes, I show it with my family, those close to me, and that it. I've never been in a fight, not since elementary school, except with my father, and otherwise I just bottle everything up. Just turn it all on myself, like an inferno consuming my organs for fuel. My friends wouldn't like me if they saw how angry and mean I was. So I don't express rage. I try to kill it with booze, and weed, and in the most extreme cases, razors.

Anyhow, that's me. Feel free to comment, or not. Man, I'm drunk, I was just typing. Just venting. Please don't judge me by it. Or do. GOD, I'M INDECISIVE! I want to make a good first impression, but also want to be honest. You probably think I'm a total asshole. Heck, you wouldn't be the first. I'm trying to decide if that's anything like the BPD thought process. But hey, I'm probably just crazy, so whatev.

Hi John!

Welcome to our forum :0).

It seems to me that you have some tremendous insight to your behaviors at times, and then at other times, seem to decide that you will think about them later, not prior to doing the actions you speak of - that is an affliction that many of us suffer from :0)!!! It's nothing new to us, but trying to get better is something a lot of us do, and continue, to try to achieve.

Are you currently taking any meds that aren't stimulants? I'm not a doctor in any way, but it seems that if you tossed an iron at someone, then a stimulant may not be your friend :0). I was on a rack of meds for years, but am currently only on an SSRI and Klonopin. The more medicated I was, the worse off I seemed to be.

Therapy REALLY helps those of us that are looking and have a desire to change. Do you see a therapist or psychologist currently?

<3 and Welcome!

AMP

drunk or not, you seem to have the ability to be honest with yourself, which is a good start. I had a therapist who said we - bpd's - could use our pain to keep us working at our healing if we were honest...so keep searching man, hope it eases up for you

Hi. Sorry I didn't respond. Bit of a story behind that. I continued for a bit on that particular bender, got very depressed, continued self-harming, and ultimate began to get suicidal. At some point on Monday (I don't remember when), I wandered into the hospital and checked myself into the psych ward, where I was just discharged today. Been driving around, listening to music, thinking stuff over, and smoking my first cigarettes all week (THANK GOD!).

Anyhow, it was a good experience. The first two days were hard, but I made a conscious decision to be as open and honest as possible with the doctors, and in group, and all in all, it was a very, very positive experience. The occupational therapy group in particular was awesome. The doctor told me today that although it presents a bit differently, she thinks that I do have BPD. It was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I had said nothing about it to them, and was remarkably stable all week, but she sent me to a therapist with extensive experience with both BPD and Substance Abuse problems.

It was remarkable. Before she pseudo-diagnosed me, I had notice a guy in our group who was already diagnosed with BPD, and our attitudes, habits, comments, stories, and problems seemed to be similar. It was very enlightening.

Anyhow, I'm doing much better than when I posted previously. I'm off the sauce again, not smoking weed, not cutting, and generally in a much better place. I closed out my tab at the liquor store and asked the guy not to run me another one. Ever. I start therapy Tuesday, so we'll see how that goes.

fueledbycoffee wrote:Hi. Sorry I didn't respond. Bit of a story behind that. I continued for a bit on that particular bender, got very depressed, continued self-harming, and ultimate began to get suicidal. At some point on Monday (I don't remember when), I wandered into the hospital and checked myself into the psych ward, where I was just discharged today. Been driving around, listening to music, thinking stuff over, and smoking my first cigarettes all week (THANK GOD!).

Anyhow, it was a good experience. The first two days were hard, but I made a conscious decision to be as open and honest as possible with the doctors, and in group, and all in all, it was a very, very positive experience. The occupational therapy group in particular was awesome. The doctor told me today that although it presents a bit differently, she thinks that I do have BPD. It was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I had said nothing about it to them, and was remarkably stable all week, but she sent me to a therapist with extensive experience with both BPD and Substance Abuse problems.

It was remarkable. Before she pseudo-diagnosed me, I had notice a guy in our group who was already diagnosed with BPD, and our attitudes, habits, comments, stories, and problems seemed to be similar. It was very enlightening.

Anyhow, I'm doing much better than when I posted previously. I'm off the sauce again, not smoking weed, not cutting, and generally in a much better place. I closed out my tab at the liquor store and asked the guy not to run me another one. Ever. I start therapy Tuesday, so we'll see how that goes.

Congratulations! Hope you manage to get some healing.

Please look into doing Trauma Release Exercises, they have really helped me in my recovery, gave it a kick start.

Yep, I understand a lot of what you said, and you don't sound like an asshole by any means - that was my thought making my intro post too heh

I'm constantly worried that nobody cares, that no one actually likes me, that putting up with John is just a formality. I think everyone's gonna leave, that they're just looking for an excuse to get out of here.

This is me, guh.

The fact that you had the insight to be able to check yourself in is a very good thing which a lot of people might not be able to do, I'm glad you managed to have a good experience from it.
Your honesty is a great thing too (although intoxicated, either way!), thats the most important thing it getting help. Keep talking, everything in your head, lay it out for them.

Welcome to the forum ^_^

Just talked to my two closest friends about it. Was as honest as I could possibly be, probably came off as totally insane, and I'm sure they wonder if I can be trusted at all. Feeling paranoid, anxious, and slightly depressed, but they were both supportive and understanding, if I'm reading them right. Still worry I'm just getting played, and it's just pity, but I'm also trying to filter out those kinds of thoughts. Being vulnerable with people just sucks. Not to mention I was thinking back on all of the things I've done to people (stealing, cheating, screwing over, insulting in the most painful way I could think of, etc.) and kind of feel like a right asshole, guilty as hell. Don't trust myself anymore, if I ever really did. I start therapy Tuesday, and that can't come quick enough. I'm just straight confused. But glad. Now I can start fixing myself.