I don't know how to love anymore

I care about certain people and it's important to me to have them in my life. but I don't think I've felt actual LOVE for someone since my ex left town back in October 2009. my boyfriend constantly accuses me of not really being IN this relationship, emotionally, and he's right. I want to continue to be with him, it matters, I feel the want for the relationship. but it's not like it was in the past, with other people. I feel like I don't even know what the word really means anymore. when we're together I don't experience any real FEELINGS. there are no butterflies, no deep down ache, no watching him while he sleeps, none of the stuff I remember experiencing before. it genuinely bothers me that we don't get to see each other a lot because we have very different schedules, different days off, everything. and I'm sure I would be sad and cry if we broke up. and I appreciate him immensely. he is truly fantastic and I honestly don't know why on earth he is still with me after everything he's dealt with from me, with my bpd and depression and everything. but it's like everything I feel for him is just that stuff that I know in my head - how supportive and patient he is, the physical attraction, his general attitude, silliness, so on and so forth. but none of it makes me feel much of anything. we're very affectionate, him a bit more maybe, and I love to snuggle and the sex is good and all that.... but lately I've been consciously monitoring myself and my inner state when I'm with him, and I just always feel empty, like there's nothing in there.

and it's not just him. I have a friend I met just shy of a year ago. she is my closest friend in town besides my boyfriend. she is the most maternal, nurturing, loving person I know (when she doesn't hate you with every ounce of her being; she is practically textbook bpd, with extra rage thrown in). every time something goes wrong (and god knows it constantly does), I can call her up and be completely transparent about everything I'm thinking and feeling and considering doing about it, and she will always care, always drop everything she's doing, always immediately jump all over trying to get herself to me or me to her, I basically have an open invitation to sleep on her couch anytime I need to get away from things, so on and so forth. she's my go to girl and I appreciate the hell out of her for it. but, same thing. I'm not sure I actually FEEL anything for her. when I'm not running to her in tears because life sucks, or getting together with her and some others for a girls night of drinking, I don't think about her much, or feel the need to check in with her, or worry about how she's doing. I don't often have a desire to see her on an average day. really, the only reasons I sometimes make a point of getting together with her is because 1, sometimes i really do need some girl time, as I spend most of my time that I'm not at home or school with my boyfriend and his 2 male roommates, or 2, I'm purposely trying to keep a connection going between us just so that I don't lose the one person I can go to and spill all my bad feelings all over.

even my best friend, who lives a few towns away from me, who I used to have major real genuine feelings towards, when one of us visits the other for a weekend here and there now, I don't feel that anymore. sometimes she even annoys me with her cheerfulness or after 2 straight days with her I'm ready for her to go home.

I don't know why. I've always been an intensely emotional person and I loved everybody so deeply, too deeply, to where I could never easily let anybody go. I overflowed with love for my ex even though I knew from the day we met that he had itchy feet and would be going off to travel the world sooner or later. I let him go without any sort of big scene, I actually always kinda felt like the stabilizer in HIS life whereas usually for me it's the other way around coz I'm always the big mess. I still loved him to death though. it took a long time for me to move on from him. so now, having realized I don't feel these things for anyone in my life anymore, I'm completely baffled. I want it back. I want to love these people. just to know that I can, at the very least.

I have no clue what could have caused this or what to do about it I'm really hoping someone out there has some insight or some ideas to, I dunno, exercise my heart back into working again? it sounds ridiculous. I feel like it's hopeless. I feel despair, I occasionally briefly considering killing myself, I can feel all these negative things. but not love. how utterly depressing is that?

really needed to get this out.

Hey Rainbow Sprinkles,

Have you ever talked to anyone your with about feeling alienated, vacant and disconnected. I think it might really help because they really have no idea.

In regards to the love problem, I think it's really a consequence of the aforementioned alienation, vacancy and disconnection and by dealing with this it might improve some of your personal relationship.

Have you ever practised mindfulness? (No! it's not a fad religion like Scientology) It's a just a mental exercise where you try to just focus on your bodily sensations and surface thoughts like "there's a duck and I feel warm and I'm thinking 'there's a duck and I feel warm'". Practising mindfulness can help people who feel vacant around others to help them return to their bodies when their mind is wandering away.

Take care. Let us know how things go.

*I'm a "Non" BTW (see my posts in Bipolar Disorder)*

I'm so glad you replied.

I haven't really brought it up with anyone, no. I feel like such a jerk for not being able to feel these things. the thought of saying to someone "no, I don't love my boyfriend.... or you!" just makes me feel awful. especially because I do say the words to a few specific people, and I feel like I mean them in the sense that I really like and appreciate them and enjoy being around them. it's kinda just easier than saying "I like and appreciate you" in response to "I love you." but it's starting to cause me anxiety because I know my boyfriend feels a lot for me and I'm terrified that one day soon he's going to say it and I'm not going to know what to say back because he's the one person I'm not comfortable saying it to knowing I don't mean it the same way he does, or even being unsure I really mean it at all in the way that I think I should. I also just can't imagine what anyone could possibly say that would help and I'd just feel like I was hurting them by telling them this.

how do I deal with it? I don't think just bringing it up to someone is going to "cure" me.

I sometimes try to practice mindfulness but I have a really hard time with it, I have a really busy head all the time and it's not easy to make it be quiet enough to just focus on the moment. I should try to do it more often.

thanks so much for the feedback

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:I sometimes try to practice mindfulness but I have a really hard time with it, I have a really busy head all the time and it's not easy to make it be quiet enough to just focus on the moment. I should try to do it more often.

It's like a muscle. You gotta work it out to get it huge.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:I haven't really brought it up with anyone, no. I feel like such a jerk for not being able to feel these things. the thought of saying to someone "no, I don't love my boyfriend.... or you!" just makes me feel awful. especially because I do say the words to a few specific people, and I feel like I mean them in the sense that I really like and appreciate them and enjoy being around them. it's kinda just easier than saying "I like and appreciate you" in response to "I love you." but it's starting to cause me anxiety because I know my boyfriend feels a lot for me and I'm terrified that one day soon he's going to say it and I'm not going to know what to say back because he's the one person I'm not comfortable saying it to knowing I don't mean it the same way he does, or even being unsure I really mean it at all in the way that I think I should. I also just can't imagine what anyone could possibly say that would help and I'd just feel like I was hurting them by telling them this.

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't melt your heart whenever he's around but I'm sure there are some aspects of the relationship you like. From what you've said it would be a shame to lose the relationship you have what with all the sex & snuggling I'm half joking but I know there's stuff you like even if it's watching a movie together.

You don't have to be in love to be in a relationship. Life is hard. Being lonely makes it harder. Just be clear that although you care about him and value the relationship the relationship isn't entirely symmetrical.

Take care and keep flexing the mindfulness muscle. I wanna see pics of how big it gets.

Infinite_Jester wrote:Maybe your boyfriend doesn't melt your heart whenever he's around but I'm sure there are some aspects of the relationship you like. From what you've said it would be a shame to lose the relationship you have what with all the sex & snuggling I'm half joking but I know there's stuff you like even if it's watching a movie together.

You don't have to be in love to be in a relationship. Life is hard. Being lonely makes it harder. Just be clear that although you care about him and value the relationship the relationship isn't entirely symmetrical.

of course there are plenty of aspects I like, in fact there isn't really anything I dislike other than how little time we actually get to spend together. it's the first really functional, healthy long term relationship I've had. certainly the longest I've stayed with someone consecutively. we watch lots of movies and tv shows together and snuggle on the couch and it's great, I enjoy it, I just notice myself not actually FEELING much of anything. certainly not anything anyone could claim to call the big ol' L word.

I know I don't have to be in love, I just wish I felt something. I like him a whole lot, for who he is and how he treats me and how much he helps me get by, etc, I'm so grateful for him, but something inside of me is missing. I envy him so much for being so stable and coming from such a positive upbringing and never having been through any traumas and so being able to love me so innocently. the most frustrating part is knowing I'm capable of experiencing love because I have so many times before, but for whatever reason it's just not there in my life anymore. I can't even pinpoint a certain event that would have brought this change upon me, because I don't even know exactly when it started to happen.

Do you kind of lose feeling all the time when you are around other people. Like if you are having dinner with your family would you feel like you've become somewhat vacant or absent during the event? Or is it just with your boyfriend?

*hugs* Jester

my family doesn't live here and I don't speak to most of them. they're not a part of my life.

it's my boyfriend and my friends. I feel other feelings. I feel strongly for the other people in my support group, for instance. I don't know them well enough to love them by any means, but it hurts me to see them hurt when they're upset in group.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:my family doesn't live here and I don't speak to most of them. they're not a part of my life.

it's my boyfriend and my friends. I feel other feelings. I feel strongly for the other people in my support group, for instance. I don't know them well enough to love them by any means, but it hurts me to see them hurt when they're upset in group.

Is that the only time that you have feelings? When your empathizing with someone in the group?

no. I feel things all the time. mostly depression and anger because, well, that's my life. I just don't seem to be able to feel love towards anyone.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:no. I feel things all the time. mostly depression and anger because, well, that's my life. I just don't seem to be able to feel love towards anyone.

Hmm not all cultures believe that love is something that just kinda hits you when you look at someone. The whole "falling in love" thing is actually fairly restricted to Western cultures. In other cultures the belief is that love is something that gradually develops as a relationship grows between two people. This is one of the reasons why Westerners don't understand arranged marriage. They think "but they're not in love!" and the Easterners are like "I know stupid! They're going to be though".

Anyways, maybe someone will come along and you'll fall head over heels. Until then you got someone to snuggle with.

Sorry I can't help. *hug*