Need some input please.

I have been looking into BPD now for a couple of weeks and I could definitely see me when I read up on it.. Now I'm not trying to self diagnose myself, or have anyone on this site diagnose me. I am only curious if it is something I should go to my doctor and ask about...

I feel I should share a little background on my childhood first... I grew up in a crappy environment. While my parents always provided a roof over my head, and food on the table. My mother was a raging alcoholic until I was 12. I literally had to grow up way too fast and had to be responsible for my mother. My father was around a lot too but he seemed to keep to himself and avoid her problems as much as he could. My mother was my best friend, but also the one person I hated the most. She was drunk everyday when I would get home from school. She would even pick me up from school events drunk, so I stopped going to any in fear that people would learn the truth about my mother. Every night was some sort of fight with her... and she would belittle me constantly.. Nothing I did was ever good enough. She also took pain pills to aid with her medical problems which would only intensify her alcohol problem. I would literally have to put my mom to bed each night to make sure she didnt OD. I hated being alone on the weekends because that meant I would have to deal with mom by myself as my dad had hobbies on the weekends to avoid being at home. So i would always have friends stay with my on the weekends... and slowly I would lose each of those friends over the years because they didnt see that my mom had a drinking problem they just saw how "fun" she was... and they would say how disrespectful I was to my mom because mom and I would go rounds with the verbal abuse. I would get pissed and push each and everyone of those friends out of my life over the years....

When I was 10 years old I was molested by my best friends older brother and his friend... When I tried telling her she called me a liar. I began cutting shortly after that to deal with the pain of my mom, and what had happened with my friends brother. It seemed like my life was out of control.. I could keep a friend to save my life, and even when i did find good friends I would grow tired of them and search for a new "group" a new "identity"...
When i was 12 I broke down and told my mom how terrible of a person I thought she was, and how selfish I thought she was.. I also showed her that I was cutting myself and she made (and kept) a promise to never drink again... I haven't cut since.

My main pushing people away issues really didnt start to get super serious until I was in middle school. Each new year of school I had a new group of friends... but my relationships with boys were the worst. I ended up putting a guy through 6 years of back and forth because I couldnt make up my mind. One week I would be totally head over heels for him, and then the next out of no where... I was pushing him away.. and then later regretting it and fighting to get him back.. Eventually 6 years later he had had enough and called it quits with me.. and I'm so glad he did. No one deserves what I put people through. In the times that him and I weren't dating I was also playing my horrible "mind games" with another guy and did the exact same to him for 3 years. All of my relationships have been this way. One minute I'm as happy as can be and wouldnt want anything/anyone else.. and then the next it's like I start to grow bored of them, and then find all of these flaws and reasons to break it off.. I always try and convince myself that they need to be broken up with, and that they are the only ones at fault. I've grown to hate myself because I've never had a serious friendship/relationship with anyone...

High school was more of the same ol same.. I always had a new best friend each school year... and then they would do something wrong and I'd be pissed at them and I'd stop talking to them. All of my friendships and relationships have been more of that same stuff even after I graduated I'm 21 now..
Also my only friendship that has ever worked is because I was honest with him, and told him I don't know why I do the things I do... I can't explain it, and I hate myself. He is understanding and patient.. and when I push him away he just waits for when I contact him again... Which isn't right but I'm so greatful to have him in my life.. he is my best friend and my rock.

My other bigger issues are that I have a spending problem/ which also ties into the fact I eat way too much...When ever I feel lonely or bored I go spend money... I'm impulsive and make rash decisions.. I bought a car 2 years ago I couldnt afford and am struggling every month on payments... If i didnt have my car I wouldnt be able to hold down a job. I get bored, and am always changing my mind on important decisions. My whole senior year I was set on going to college... and the day after graduation I woke up and decided not to go. I've been saying for 4 years now that I want to go to beauty school but I know that will change or never happen. One week I want nothing more to be married and have a family.. and for example this week I don't want kids at all.. and well with my relationship problems I know I will never be married.
For the most part I enjoy being alone in my room, but I have to have someone in the house with me or I feel like my family doesnt love me or doesnt want to spend time with me. I hate driving alone in the car... it makes me have major anxiety..If i go to a new place by myself I have major anxiety because of the new enviroment...I also have major self image issues.. but also am kind of vain at the same time... I change my mind on my self image a lot. also My mom rides horses and during the summer she is gone 24/7... I went out a bought a horse because I hated that she had friends and would leave me.. Last summer I was addicted to horses, and now I want to sell my horse.


Okay I've rambled too much, and feel so drained from writing this..
Please people some input would be greatly appreciated.

Hey Samidoodle,

It sounds like you've had a really tough life that must have played a strong role in developing some of the problems that your having. Some of the themes that I'm reading is that you've never really had a close and consistent personal relationship with someone. Your mother was intoxicated and absent. Your friends were like a #######5 Billboards that get pasted over or torn down every few months. And your boyfriends don't sound like they really made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It sounds like there wasn't someone there who could understand what you were going through and give you any kind of support. Also, a large part of our formative experiences with friends and family helps make us who we are. Whether it's arguing, discussing, sharing or relating it's really important.

My suggestion would be to see if you can see a mental health care professional to talk about some of the inter/intra personal problems that you've been having and your anxiety (I know your strapped for cash so this might be tricky). Also, try to set up your schedule that you can talk to someone for just an hour a week. Maybe you could have coffee with someone or get something to eat. Just make sure it's constant. If you don't know anyone who this would work with then you have a project to find someone.

The forum is also good as well. You can always PM someone who posts regularly on this forum to open a line of communication.

Take care and let us know how things go.

BTW - I'm a "Non" but I didn't see anyone jumping in to welcome you to the forum and you never mentioned if you had a dx of Borderline Personality Disorder.