Chronic Depersonalisation and BPD and identity changes

Warning- triggers (self-harm)

I've had Depersonalisation Disorder since I was 8, I am now 29, and I am just recovering now, after finding out I had it last year. I had always lived in this dreamlike state, and because I got it so young, I couldn't remember a time when I felt 'normal' so had nothing to compare it to.

I have seen many BPDers talk about feeling numb or detached, which is Depersonalisation, right?
But how common is it to have the feeling of being outside of your body, totally disconnected from your thoughts, memories, emotions. And losing time, zoning out and just generally being confused.

I know that the DP got worse as I got older, as the shame about my behaviour, plust constant stress and anxeity perpetuated it. Also, having no stable identity to fall back on, I had nothing to connect to, so was in a constant state of being outside of myself.

Also, I have episodes of having constant identity changes- ages, gender, different people 'walking in and out of me'. When I am feeling more stable, identity wise, it doens't happen. It's as if they step in to fill in the gaps when I completely lose who I am. It's so scary!

My self-harm, which I do to relieve stress, anger, self-loathing, regulate my moods and to ground myself, some parts of it comes to me in the form of a Demon. When I cut when I'm stressed or emotional, that is 'me'. But when I am in 'bad mode', my inner voice changes to sound Demonic and I feel myself change, and it's like I'm posessed or something. I sometimes see this 'Demon' and it's terrifying! I have day long panic attacks that I am evil and that I was born bad and that I'm going to Hell ( even though I was raised an atheist)

I am in a therapy group for BPD, using Mindfulness which seems to be helping. But nobody gives me a straight answer when I talk about the identity changes, voices and the demonic episodes.

So do any other BPDers get this?

Lily82,
I too have dissociative issues with my BPD. I don't feel like I am a single person. When I get stressed I have conversations in my head like my parts are actual people. I really have no idea who I am sometimes. My doctors put me on an anti psychotic to try to help, but it's only been 4 days, so not sure if it's working. I did have some stress this morning, and I felt really dizzy, it was a bit unnerving.

I actually thought I had Dissociative Identity Disorder cause I can black out when I am stressed and all my friends say I act different.

I just started to get help, so I don't have advice to help, sorry. I just want to let you know your not alone.

Hi!

Thanks for replying.

I have the same thing, sometimes my mind just 'breaks' and these people 'step in' and take over. Sometimes they have a purpose and help me, sometimes they are destructive.
I spoke to a dissociation specialist who said I should commuicate with the identities, and try to figure out what they want. But I dunno, it all seems so 'out there' you know?

I lose time, and I've had people say i have severe personality changes.

Have you tried Mindfulness as a way to ground you? To bring you back to 'yourself' or a place inside that feels familiar?

Yes, though grounding does not work if I am set off. If I get really upset I don't want to exist, so it's instinctual for me to dissociate. Day to day, grounding does help me not loose time.

Yeah, when I don't want to be me, another identity will step in. It usually takes me a while before I notice I've changed.

This disorder or whatever it is, is totally messed up. I don't know what's going on half the time. I feel like I'm in that film 'Memento' because i am constantly confused about what I've just done, or how much time has passed, my memory is terrible!

May be triggering?

Hi, Newly diagnosed and new to this 'site. I'm not yet sure whether I depersonalise/disassociate (are they the same thing?) but I have numbed out since I was young, just gone into a sort of dream world. I've also used chemicals and substances to do the same thing in a more extreme way but my mind does it automatically.

Recently, when I was highly anxious, I experienced being in a room of people and feeling as though I was out of my body then becoming confused and thinking, what am I doing here? Why am I in this room, in this city, in this country etc. It was pretty scary at the time.

I get the demon thing too - sometimes I start beating myself up about the past or about some aspect of myself and then believe that there's an evil force inside me that will only be quelled if I kill myself. I self-harm on that thinking but tried speaking to a safe person on one occasion (later in the day), which did seem to help.

And the identity thing definitely. I lived under a made-up name for a while and over the years have taken on different looks and ways of speaking, and "become" different characters; sometimes they're amalgams of characters in films as I used to watch a lot of film. Or, I have found myself using someone else's words to express myself because I feel so out of contact with who I am, what I'm thinking and feeling.

I'm relieved to have a diagnosis finally as these behaviours and ways of thinking, and the intensity of my emotions, which are so painful, have finally been placed in a context which will lead to getting help. To be honest I feel quite proud (not sure if that's the right word though) to be BPD.

Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone with this anymore and that healing is possible.

Hey

That is most definitely Depersonalisation Disorder- dreamlike, spaced out, not feeling real, numb, feeling outside of your body
Derealisation- things look out of proportion, fake, strange, unfamiliar, zoom lens vision

Dissociation is the general term, I think.

You need to learn grounding techniques for when this happens. I use Mindfulness breathing techniques. Body scans are good.

Yes, I do the same. I pretend to be other people, and say things that i've heard other people say. I have no identity of my own. It's a horrible horrible feeling. I feel like I don't exist.

I am having therapy using Mindfulness. I'm also doing Trauma Release Exercises which are helping a lot.

Glad to hear you're finding those helpful.

Lily82 wrote:Hey

Yes, I do the same. I pretend to be other people, and say things that i've heard other people say. I have no identity of my own. It's a horrible horrible feeling. I feel like I don't exist.

Ditto.