Emotional Dysregulation Equates to Angst

I don't even know if I'm posting this is the correct forum, but I'm hoping to expel some of my negative feelings, reframe my thoughts, and hopefully identify with anyone who reads this and has a similar struggle going on.

For the past few days, I have seriously struggled to keep the emotional anguish at bay. If there's one feeling that I don't feel ready to sit with, it's the empty, bored, hopeless collection. And with me, my first thoughts as to determining the cause of these feelings are to assume it's a biological thing, or a medication problem. I hate being so dependent upon meds and having so much faith in their ability to help me function comfortably. I need to start thinking that my present situations and environments may be causing the relentless depression in that I've been hanging out with one person for the past few weeks: a negative-minded, passive-aggressive ex-boyfriend. It's a loneliness issue I have, as well as a functioning issue that sometimes gets so debilitating that I have no energy to leave the house and place myself in a positive environment. It's a cycle of staying there for days on end and it's making me feel like I'm in the Shining with cabin fever. Seriously, I have been crying lately in that I feel completely at the mercy of my moods, which can turn dark and depressed at any moment. I am fearing my own feelings in that the negative ones cause me so much discomfort it's unbearable. So I'm starting to feel catatonic or something in that I trance out throughout a good portion of the day: staring off and feeling blank/listless (an ineffective attempt to preemptively block the possibility of any strong, unwanted emotions falling over me like a lethal tidal wave). The only problem with this defense mechanism is the difficulty I have shaking myself out of the trance-like states, and it almost feels painful to jerk myself into reality. I'm here writing now, trying to use this board for some identification, encouragement, and support. I hope some of you aren't at this point with your BPD- if you're doing significantly better than what I've just described to be my feelings, please please fill me in on any skills you use to achieve distress tolerance and emotional regulation. I mean, how can I snap out of these trances and participate in life? Argh.

Hi starry!

Welcome to the forum, and I think you've raised a good point with your feelings.

The angst is a tough thing to get through. I'm on an SSRI, but really, no medication can fix us, it just helps to deal with the symptoms of what we all go through. I also have Klonipin to help with the panic attacks.

Are you currently in therapy that you feel you're progressing with?

Again, welcome!

AMP

You're right. I need to remember that there's a huge behaviorist view on the etiology of this disease. For me, it was a childhood of neglect and never being taught how to self-soothe or, later, perform responsibility. I had no one to help me learn how to function in adult situations so I accumulated a lot of stress of the unknown and my infant knowledge of it. Now, as an adult, I can step back (today at least), and realize that I am responding to a stressor in life, not having a medical malady. Nor do I have to beat myself up trying to get started. I really need to start treating myself better, not as a split person with the disorder on one side that I'm entitled to batter.