My experience as a non-BPD dating someone with BPD

I am new here and am trying to find out as much information about Borderline Personality Disorder as possible.

Sorry about the long post.

I was in a long term relationship with someone that was officially diagnosed with BPD. I was informed about it a few months ago and was given a book by the person I was dating named “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”

The last couple of months of our relationship was hell. We will say his name is John Doe. John was an alcoholic too. This also was not apparent until the last two months of our relationship.

Though I had been cheated on once at the beginning of our relationship the mild cheating was blamed on being intensely drunk. He was very drunk, believe me. I had left town to go visit family and it drove him nuts that I was going away. He did go to AA at one point in our relationship and completely stopped drinking and smoking pot. About a month after he left AA he started to drink very heavily and smoke again.

The constant going out with or without me and finding parties to go to at bar closing time was unfair to me especially since I had been cheated on once before and it was blamed on being drunk. I never got to see him unless he was at a bar. I made my protests known about his drinking and the constant smoking pot. After a while I broke up with John as I couldn‘t take it anymore.

We got back together a few days later. I got hold of John. Needles to say the drinking and smoking pot just didn’t stop.

It is now the middle of August and I had been dumped by John after being raged on at a bar for about an hour. The next day I called and left a message asking what is going on. I received a voicemail back while I was at work that said do not call me, do not email me, I do not care for you anymore, I do not love you anymore, get out of my life. I was shocked. I managed to work the rest of the day and I received an email from him that night and a call the next day. I thought what the hell is going on.

Things were done to me over and over the last ¼ of our relationship that he would not tolerate me doing to him especially the drunk raging mild violence one time.

Well, this happened about 5 or 6 times in a two or three week period. I would hear rage at me while he was drinking, I would be broken up with that night or the next day and would receive a call a day later or even later on that very day. I could not understand what was going on. Finally I fired back with an insulting email but it was not a breakup email. I again was broken up with by John and not heard from him since. He was extremely pissed. That was almost 5 weeks ago.

John’s phone service has been disconnected and the email account he had has been closed. I have seen him walk by my house a few times, though not recently, and last week I had a note left for me at a bar I was at. It was the first time out late for me in a while. I didn’t see him at the bar as he obviously came in looking for me but somehow he got the note which was written on a scrap of paper from the bar, placed beside me - sneaky. The note did not make much sense.

I have read extensively about BPD too late. It was my fault for not paying attention when I was informed of this.

Now that I look back at the relationship and having read about BPD extensively the past few weeks all the signs were there. The jealousy of every person I was in contact with. By the end of our relationship I had abandoned all of my friends from before my relationship with John because of John's jealousy and because I was afraid of a scene John might create when he them. The needing constant confirmation of my love for him. The need for physical closeness than pulling away when I did get close. The constant need for contact. The feeling of abandonment when I didn’t respond to the endless phone calls or emails right away - I was at work. If I didn’t respond right away I would get a message saying ‘are you mad at me’ or ‘do you want to break up with me’ and/or later in the evening John would sometimes say he was going to break up with me that afternoon. This is all because I didn‘t respond fast enough. He thought I didn’t care about him. I was baffled, I was at work.

All the outbursts and anger over trivial things or issues that didn’t exist. It was all there. I would have to argue for hours how much I loved him and then eventually John would say “I didn’t realize you felt that strongly about me.” that happened several times.

I was very much in love with John, he was an extremely kind and caring person and very attractive. I have been extremely hurt, and I am not sure if I could take all this again - if he ever does get hold of me. I do not know what to think. Is he going to get hold of me or not, is our relationship really over or not, and do I want to go through with this again. I just don’t know, the whole situation makes no sense to me.

fghjk1111,

I think it is good to get it out in the open. My wife went through something similar with me, but believe me, borderlines feel aweful guilt when somethings like this happen, maybe thats why he is away for now.

Understanding "john" is important, if you want to keep him, but what helped me and my wife is that we made/created consequences for my actions. My wife felt that why she wasnt allowed to feel anger/hurt when I could'nt handle it. I think their has to be an element of fairness. I did get the book "stop walking on eggshells for my wife and it helped her alot to understand me. I have been a borderline since teenager, but only ot diagnosed 3 years ago. Borderlines are really struggling like hell to fit in, do normal things and really get our heads around all sorts of things that sometimes trigger our inner demons. We just can't cope with the past/preset and the future. We have lost a sense of identity, clinging to anything and anyone for attention, but yet we can easily disgard it when we don't want it . . . we just survive, thats all just cope with what we have do to in that moment, anything else is too much to handle. Our mind and body is not capable like a normal person to deal with deep/real/traumatic feelings. We are clouded by our fictional self and cannot make good decisons based on facts, because we don't see the facts.

I don't smoke or drink heavy, I am trying hard not to play "victim" after all thats happened in my life and started to set realistic steps of improving my life/relationships/self concepts.

As with the constant breaking-up/getting back, that has to stop. I think for a borderline, in most cases that marry very quick, set ideas that they have to be boyfriend/girlfriend immediately or it's a good for nothing relationship. Just being friends is not good enough for a borderline. Sex is another major issue that borderlines seek for themselves.

In my opinion, be his friend, be there and see how it goes, but you have to decide if you want to be the donkey or the carrot.

With Love
PoisonOakley

fghjk1111, I was in a similar situation and after the relationship I've read a lot about BPD. I was hurt in such a way that I really hate now that person, but I want to understand her even if I can't help her.

PoisonOakley, thanks for your words. I realize now that understanding John is important to keeping him. Unfortunetly I didn't understand him until it was too late. When he told me about BPD I quickly went throught the book Stop Walking On Eggshells and thought to myself, he doesn't self multilate himself, is not suicidal and had what I thought was milder conditions of the rest of the criteria for a BPD. So I did not pay too much attention to his condition. So I continued to expect him to have non-BPD behaviors. What a huge mistake on my part.

I was in love with him very deeply and was willing to accept all of him except the drinking. It had too stop. I handled it poorly. I did all the wrong things.

I would send emails that described what he was doing to me but he took those emails as personal insults of his life. I wasn't trying to insult his life I was trying to describe the things he did to me.

Another huge problem was that he thought I was always mad. I wasn't. I was mad when he went drinking. I don't think he ever understood what his all night partying did to me. I spent many sleepless nights wondering where he would end up. It was so unfair to me.

One time I was going for tutoring for a class I was in and John became agitated an jealous. I responded I can't even go for tutoring but you can go hang out with people all night at the bars then go home and party with them. What a double standard. I couldn't do anything without it bothering him but he did whatever he pleased. His actions where 100 times worse than anything I did to him.

On a Wednesday night we talked, got along, and made plans. Thursday the next day I visited him at work. He said "what don't you understand it is over with." It was the same old thing break up with me than call me. I just didn't get it. I sent to him quite a harsh email right after he said that to me before he called or emailed me and he responded in jest. I finally fired off probably the most harsh personal attack on someone I have ever done. That was the final nail in the coffin in our relationship.

The whole thing made no sense to me.

He would want me physically close to him but when I did get close to him he would pull away. If I didn't attempt to get clos to him he would get mad at me. What was I suppose to do.

I never understood the glaring double standards.

I never understood how he would get mad over such trivial things.

I never understood how he would think I was mad if I didn't respond to an email or phone call while I was at work right away.

I never understood how he wondered how I could be in love with him.

I never understood how he wondered how I could like his personality.

I never understood how he wondered how I could be physically attracted to him. His self esteem was extremely low.

I didn't understand his last serious email to me that projected himself on to me.

I never understood how he didn't understand why I would be upset with he drinking and his behavior when he was drinking. I was so many times insulted over and over when he was drunk starting from a long time ago. I always thought, can you imagine his reaction if I talked to him like that. I would be mad the next day and John didn't put it into context as to why I would be upset at him. To me it seemed obvious, look at how he talked to me the evening before when he was drinking.

I never understood why he didn't understand how I could be so very hurt and hesitant about continuing to date him after I found out about the time he cheated on me. I felt his reaction to me confronting him that I know about the cheating incident was poor. He just continued to go out and drink with or without me and partying at people's houses all hours of the night. If the roles were reversed I would have been down on my knees begging for forgiveness and doing everything possible to maintain our relationship.

John really was a sweet and caring person. I really loved him. He was well spoken, extremely attractive, and a very loving, except when he drank, person. I am still very much in love. I miss him greatly.

I don't think getting hold of him would be a good idea, his anger towards me is very intense as was evident when I did visit him a few days after we broke up and when I did see him walking down the street about a week later. The note he left me in a bar when he searched for me, he just walked in the bar wrote a note and left - I didn't even see him, this was about two weeks ago. The note was an angry note though the content of the note did not make much sense. It is totally up to him to get hold of me as he also shut down his email and changed phone numbers but I wonder if he will ever get unmad at me.


Carlos, I am not mad at all even though I have been hurt like I have never been before in my life. I am actually sad at how I have hurt him even though what he did to me was so much much worse than what I ever did to him. But I am looking at that from the perspective of a non - BPD at a person that has BPD.

Its me again,

There is so much I didn't understand. All the projecting, the breakups and then getting hold of me to get back together. This relationship is not like others were there is clarity about the situation.

All the projecting of himself onto me makes no sense.

Part of getting over someone is accepting that the relationship is over but in this case I do not know if it is over. It is hard for me to believe that someone who loved me so strongly is not going to get hold of me in the future. There is so much confusion in my mind as to what is going to happen in the future with him. Sometimes I am convinced that he will get hold of me and other times I am sure he won't.

I know five weeks is not a long time since the relationship ended but it was only two weeks ago he was out looking for me, did find me and left a note for me. The note was not like "hello, how are you doing," it was a somewhat angry and jealous note as I was laughing and talking to people when he spotted me. I never saw him.

Is he working on himself and has to do it away from me? He did stop drinking about a week before the relationship ended.

I just don't know what to think. If he does come by do I want to go through this again, I still am very much in love.

I bought a plane ticket home, to where I was brought up a few days after our breakup. I had to get out of here for a few days. I was devastated. The final email or contact he had with me was asking if I am really flying home. He was bothered and jealous that I was leaving, was that the abandonment thing? Jesus, he just hurt me like no other person ever has and he is worried that I am leaving for home for a few days even though he just broke up with me and I was going home becasue I was so depressed, which I told him is the reason why I was going home, over our relationship ending. I tried calling him when I went home three days into the final questioning if I was really going home email from him but his phone was disonnected.

Maybe I am living in a fantasy land but I know he did love me up to the very end. Buy why would he break up with someone he loved?

He was so worried what I was doing all the time. He was always so worried that I would meet someone else. It drove him nuts. The last weekend we were together he had to go home and visit family and he was concerned and pressing what I will be doing all weekend. Then when he did get back he questioned what I did all weekend. This was up until the last few days of our relationship, always concerned what I was doing, it drove him crazy and he admitted it. We still continued to fool around with each other passionetly up until the end.

I think he got tired of worrying what I do when I wasn't around him. He was always so worried, he has said himself that he is tired of thinking what I am up to. He did break up with me in the spring when he stopped drinking because he was worried that I would go out without him and possibly meet someone else.I think that his constant worrying is one of the main reasons why he left. He wanted to stop the torture of worrying.

fghjk1111 wrote:He was bothered and jealous that I was leaving...

I had that problem always with my ex. Getting jealous by family and friends was a normal state, and I learned how to deal with it. But I began to lose my family and friends, and even she began to lose her family too.
I think all those jealous feelings are born from the panic of being abandoned and not knowing how to deal with them.

Well, it has been almost six weeks now. I still don't understand what happened. Sorry if my posts are not in the spirit of this message board but writing this out does help me.

Some of our last conversations together were him telling me what an a**hole I had become in the latter part of our relationship. He also told me many times of how he thought I was always mad at him.

On my birthday which we had only been going out a couple of months was when I should have realized that something was wrong. We had planned to meet and eat at a corner cheap restuarant. When I met up with him I suggested another restaurant that was just as cheap. Suggested is the key word not demanded. Within about two seconds I realized my suggestion was a very bad thing to do. I tried to say lets eat at our originally planned place but he insisted on going to the new place even though it pissed him off. We started to walk towards my suggested restaurant and I said lets eat at the place we originally planned to as I realized what a mistake my suggestion was. Nope it was too late.

On the way the to the new restaurant I said lets stop in here and eat. I was desperately trying to rectify the situation. We stopped in that place and while in line in front of everyone he said lets go to the place I wanted to go to before I start to cry. All the workers and people in line heard that. I was pissed.

The whole walk there all I heard was bitching. We ate at the restaurant and there was awkward silence mostly perpetuated by me. After the meal. I said well I'm going to go run errands and left him. About half an hour later I started to get calls. I didn't answer. I was still very pissed. He didn't understand why I wouldn't answer my phone and why I would be mad. Maybe it was because he was so incredibly rude and insulting to me and he was so pissed over a trivial thing which was only a suggestion of where to eat.

There were incidents like this throughout our relationship. Many times when we made plans something would go always go wrong. It may not have been something I said or did it could have been anything.

He chilled out on these anger fits in the evening when he had been drinking the last half of our relatrionship but started to drink more and more. The day time controversies continued. He never smiled just complained about everything. As time went on he would often stay out without me. I don't feel like drinking all night all the time. If I didn't go out he would go out, if I left early he would stay out. Can you imagine if I did that to him? He was going to break up with me at one point because he felt that I would go out to bars without him as he was going to try to stop drinking. In other words I shouldn't do as he does.

I remember several times him coming over to my place and we would be talking and after about an hour he would leave. He wanted to talk on Instant Chat over the Internet with me. How does he think that made me feel? He couldn't talk to me in person but would rather talk over the Internet.

Our relationship got to the point it only involved going to the bar. It was so unfair and so rude to me especially considering the cheating incident from the bar.

I found out about the cheating on me several months ago. I do believe that it only happened that one time. But he continued to go to that bar where he met the person he had cheated on me with, flirt with people, go to people's houses to continue to party, and talk to the person he cheated on me with - though it was only talking but this person would have his hands all over my boyfriend and he let him do that. It drove me nuts. I would never do that to someone else. I know he loved me greatly but why would he continue to do this? Did he believe what he was doing was fair?

A few weeks before our relationship ended remember a conversation at the bar, wow what a suprise we were at a bar. He stated I should trust him when he stays out all night and goes over to people's houses for the evening to drink. The giant contradiction was I couldn't do a single thing no matter how innocent it was without him getting jealous and going on and on about it. I could barely go anywhere without a problem arising let alone hanging out with friends. We had also talked about rectifying our relationship troubles. But he still went out all the time.

But he continued to drink and flirt with others all the time. I never got to see him unless I went to the bar. I remember all the times he suggested doing something other than going to that bar but we always ended up there. It was the same thing over and over. I have to get up and work in the morning. I couldn't stay out all night.

Did he not understand how I would be upset and how this would hurt me? This is how someone in love with me treats me?

The violance I endured when I did one time go out with friends. In a one year period I only went out with friends twice and just for a little while. He was so frustrated and jealous. As the evening progrogressed I decided to invite hime along. What a mistake that was. The violance occurred when after I decided to walk away from everyone because I was afraid of a scene coming up. Thankfully no one saw the violance as we had just left. So now there were two violant incidents. The first one was over something I didn't say or something I said that was grossly misinterpreted.

To think he was mad at me. He didn't understand why I would be upset and angry. He never understood why I protested and was mad him for going out to the bar all the time. This is how he treats people he is in love with? It makes absolutely no sense.

He never understood why when he asked if I still wanted to go out with him I and I said I don't know. I had endured violance, I had angry outbursts all the time over seemingly nothing, I had found out about the cheating and all he did was go out with or without me all the time and continue to flirt and party with others. He thought I was being a jerk with my answer but to me common sense would be of course I question continuing to go out with him. I tried so hard to look beyond the cheating and drinking but it was too late for him, he made up his mind to not to continue to date me shortly after my statement. He never put it into context as to why I would be hesitant to continue dating. He just looked at me saying that as me being a jerk and uncaring.

Very shortly before the final and 7th breakup I got an email stating that I am this and that and I need to get my life together. That letter was what he was. He projected himself onto me. I ripped that letter apart rudely in my reply letter and we have been seperated since.

And to think he said I was the a**hole for the last part of our relationship.

All of that sound very familiar to me. But now you are in the way to feel better.

fghjk1111,

I don't think anyone will judge negetivly what you are writing and I think if it helps you to write about it, then do it.

There is definately without a doubt that he is the one with the "problem" and not you. As a borderline myself, I do realize what I had done to my wife and it's really awful when it comes to the point that I have analysed what I did and the guilt behind it.

You do not deserve under any circumstances that type of abuse from him or from anyone. The fact that he is using you and blaming you, just shows the problem he has. The reality is, is that he will always be like that unless he gets serious, gets help and really over a long period of time, goes to professional help. It would take years for him to get better, so stopping beating yourself up and feeling for him, because it will be a vicious circle for you to go back and forward.

Why settle to walk on egg shells, when you could be walking on a red carpet. Give yourself the right to be mad/angry when you need to, he has no right to not let you feel the way you do and he does not have the power to change you, only you can. Since he cannot mentally handle anything, there is no way in the world/universe that he can handle you, so let that change happen in your mind that you will move on to better, more positive changes in your life, without him because he is currently abusing and destroying your life.

Taking your power back and not trying to analyse too much of the past will help you move on. You cannot change him no matter how hard you try, because you are wasting your own valuble engery, energy you could be using to be moving on and meeting new people. He is very sick and he needs help.

The jealousy comes with borderline and severly sometimes to the point that you could be housebound for life, while the borderline goes out, flirts around. I suppose its about having power and abusing everyone. Depending on his past can determine the type of borderline he is. I suppose not all borderlines are 100% the same, hence some differences between him and me.

Keep writing about it.

PoisonOakley
butterflyBPD.com