I haven't been here since before Christmas, I don't think. Things were busy then, so I had less time to freak myself out and let my inner crap get to me.
Well...I'm back, and IT'S back. In full force.
I've just finally started to recover from a nasty chest cold that laid me out for about 3 weeks. I'm trying to think what I can do to try to break myself out of the weird monotonous pattern I got into of puttering around the house and taking long naps every afternoon while I've been sick. There's just a lot of crap that's dragging me down right now, and I feel like all of my friends are ignoring me on top of it, which makes me want to lash out and start being snarky to try to hurt those friends I feel have been ignoring me. That's my gut instinct, but I know I have to figure out how to fight it.
It's the end of the month, so there's no money, which means there's really no reason to leave the house. If it weren't freezing cold out, I'd just get up and go for a bike ride or a walk or something, but it's almost more trouble than it's worth these days to get bundled up just to leave the house for a short time. My stamina on the bike is also significantly reduced, thanks to the effects of lying around with the cold for 3 weeks.
I did try to go out a few days ago, and could barely breathe by the time I got home. Every little hill felt almost unbearable, and I never even used to feel the resistance of those little hills before! My body is in terrible condition, and I have to go to the doctor tomorrow...Currently, my husband and I have been talking about having a baby. There are several reasons why this could be a good thing for our family, but that's another topic. The point I really want to make about it is that my doctor has been bothering me about getting a damn scale for the last 3 months since I told him we were thinking about it. He's constantly on me about my weight, and it's made going to the doctor something I hate now. I'm not terribly overweight, but compared to your average little skinny Japanese person, I look like a huge amazon woman. It doesn't help to feel like there is yet another thing wrong with me in a place where I am totally wrong to begin with. So I'm dreading this tomorrow.
I've also been feeling homesick. I left my life in my home country to completely start again in a new country. I've been here 4 years now, but that still doesn't stop homesickness from time to time. I miss having a car, a job, money, the ability to go out with friends. All of it. I'm not saying that I regret my decision at all, it's just part of the funk I'm in. I'm usually happy with the choice I made to come here.
I've been on a kick of watching videos about celebrities who died from drug overdoses or other strange things when they still had a lot to offer. Seeing how a lot of these folks had to come through childhood abuse, became rising stars, and then ended up not able to handle their fame because of the insecurities from their pasts that they could not get away from in their adult years. I hate bullies and abusive family members all the more for it, because I can't help but think that if they had been treated right in their formative years, they would have had the strength to manage their stardom and go on to become even better, healthier people. I hate how so many people who want you to just "get over it" can't understand how painful those experiences can be, and how they sometimes stick with you, no matter how successful you may become. Obviously, it seems that watching these things is becoming depressing, but I become fascinated with these kinds of morbid things when I get into these funks. Not good.
I'm sorry for the tl;dr. I'm just very very lonely. I also feel angry and totally abandoned. I haven't been in this bad a shape in a very long time, and I came here because nobody else cares enough to listen. I don't know if anyone here will reply either, but I hope someone will in a friendly way. I just need a little kindness, if anyone's got the energy for it. I'd really be grateful to you for it.
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