BPD is ruining my relationship and life!HELP!(MAY TRIGGER)

I find myself sabbatoging all the good in my life, I cant control it and I am pushing my boyfriend away from me. He is no longer intimate with me due to me being upset all the time if he wasnt being intimate every night, I would cry and feel empty and low if he diddnt, so now he associated sex with that, and it has completely ruined our intimacy. I have constant doubts about the relationship in my head, like something is not right, he doesnt love me, he is replacing me with porn and so on. My frequent projectioning onto him is not helping, I am constantly hurt and in pain emotionally and trying to put it on him so he sees how I feel, its not working out for me, but I dont know how to stop. I have had a very rough life, and a very rough time dealing with all of this, I need support and understanding, I dissociate a lot, and I have a hard time dealing with any kind of thing that hurts me, I constantly worry about him going on porn and looking at other women for sexual release, I am so paranoid about it I barely leave the house and let him alone on the computer. He has had an addiction to it in the past, I associate him with a man who hurt me as a child, he made me watch porn with him and touch him, and every time I know that he accessed porn I feel extremely unsafe, unsound and in mental turmoil. I break down and become very impulsive. I am seeking therapy and its going good. I guess I am just here looking for more support and maybe some other people who have BPD to give advice on how they cope day to day with their emotions. Thanks for reading

Hun, welcome to the forum. I am moving your post to the BPD forum, where you will find support from the people on there. They're a great bunch, and very welcoming. I'll also leave a shadow thread here so you can also get the support your need for your relationship issues, okay?

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all this. The strong emotions that you're feeling can be very distressing and confusing, and it's not your fault. It's good that you're going for therapy. Your therapist can help you to process the things that you've gone through, at a pace that's right for you. Therapy can be a long process, but it really does help. It sounds as if you're triggered in a huge way when your boyfriend looks at porn, due to the abuse that you had as a child. Does your boyfriend know what has happened to you, and would you feel comfortable telling him this? Do you feel that he'd offer you the support you need?

i think this needs a trigger warning

Done.

I think you should definitely see a professional about this.

I understand why the situation is making you uncomfortable, and I know that therapy isn't the answer you would like (we all want a quick fix button, but they don't exist in these kinds of situations). Still, the more anxiety you have about this, the more you're going to freak out and sabotage yourself. therapy can help with that, in ways you would not believe.

You have to come to a certain level of understanding, if not acceptance. You have to be able to communicate to your boyfriend what's wrong instead of crawling inside yourself and brooding about it. That's just how things are. He can't work on how to fix the situation if he can't understand, so you have to figure out how to make him understand.

If you're better at writing down, like you did here, you should start with that. He has to have a grip on the situation no matter what... but I highly recommend therapy. Maybe not DBT like everyone here is into. I didn't do that. If you're not comfortable with that idea, then you should at least find a shrink to talk to about things. They can be great help in showing you how to sort out your thoughts so people around you understand them. They're also great for teaching coping skills so that next time something pops up it doesn't decimate you.