My BPD sister and parents in denial

Hi everyone,

I found psychforums.com browsing the internet educating myself on BPD disorder trying to find answers to all the craziness going on at home. I really am looking to find some help fast and I'm sorry if this is long. I have a sister with nothing but problems for the 30 years she has been alive that I am certain is BPD maybe more as I am not a doctor. She has been nothing short of acting borderline crazy since her youth. She has been kicked in and out of school before dropping out, had multiple abortions, multiple shallow and crazy relationships, tried to harm herself innumerable times including trying to OD, drug and alcohol addictions, in and out of jail, rehab, doctors and psychiatrists, the list goes on and on. YET none of it was her fault. I actually had to testify on my parents' behalf cause she told the doctors it was all my parents' fault for abusing her! My parents gave us everything and bailed her out of legal trouble with their life savings and she still turned on them. I am certain she was diagnosed by psychiatrists but I was always kept in the dark about it. Afterwards, she started to recover some from her time in rehab. She got a good job, her own place, things started being 'normal'. I think it was motivation by fear cause not too long after she quit her job cause she didn't like "a person" she worked with, had a few part-time jobs, quit them, got pregnant then left the guy, and moved back home. It has been hell ever since. Now she does absolutely nothing, gained over 100 pounds(she was always thin), smokes cigarettes constantly, and is a caffeine addict(drinks coffee, Mt.Dew nonstop). She basically just throws my nephew at my parents like he was a dog to care for. My parents and I are Christians and we do believe in power of prayer, HOWEVER, her behavior enrages me and I will go to my parents then confront them on why they will not deal with it. But THEY DEFEND HER, turn on me, and reply "GOD has to deal with her," so they can be passive. They have even become her errand boys, buying her more cigarettes, coffee, soda, etc and basically let her walk all over them. It has caused my parents multiple healths issues resulting in surgery, BUT they still do nothing. If anybody confronts her, the rage comes out and she will go into "projection" behaviors. I had a GF confront my sister and I thought they were going to kill each other. My parents will not deal with her and when I speak, they all turn on me. I am not sure what I should do. Is this a case where I need to abandon all of them and protect myself? I really love my parents and don't want to see any harm come to them, but they seemed brainwashed and will not do a thing. I am hoping the people here can really offer me some advice. Thanks so much for your time!

Welcome to the nuthouse. I wish you had sought us out under happier circumstances, but we'll do whatever we can to help!

I'd say that your parents are the first goal, here. As long as they keep allowing your sister to do all of this and get away with it, she will. BPD is something we suffer from, but we do still take responsibility for our actions; it sounds like she is getting to bypass this last step. Like a five year old who gets a candy to quiet them from a temper tantrum, as long as your parents allow and endorse her actions, she'll have no desire to change. She needs to see that not just the world in general, but her world - you, her parents and her friends - DO NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR.

Given what you're up against currently, I'd almost suggest that you seek out a therapist. I don't mean that you need help to get your head together, but therapists have much greater experience in dealing with this level of resistance; they may be able to help you work on your parents, and hopefully, your sister as well.

I can't think of anything else off the top of my head, but if I do, I'll let you know. Please keep us posted, and I really hope that things work out well for you and your family in the end. But it'll be a hard road to get to there.

Good luck.

You know, I'm really happy to see that you posted here, because it may seem like a lonely world where you are - but here, there are many of us that are BPD, or are affected by such behavior.

I work with disadvantaged youth, and just today, I was speaking to a parent who had to have a child removed from their foster care, because she had (in addition to some other terrible instances), turned on the gas in the house and actually tried to kill them. She was found sleeping outside, and when confronted, had told the police that she wanted "people to feel sorry for her". And this was the PARENT I was working with, who could not quite grasp AT ALL why a child would go so far to obtain attention from others, going to such extremes.

BPD can range vastly. There are quiet borderlines, who in a normal work setting seem perfectly normal, but under the surface are hurting just as much as another - these are sometimes referred to as "high functioning". They tend to internalize the problems more, and then on the other end of the spectrum can be those that externalize the behavior and act outwardly towards others, and are referred commonly as "low-functioning". Which is worse? Ask any of us - NEITHER. These spectrums do not in any way contribute to one's intelligence, or lack of.

I think that JB's advice above was dead on though - no matter which one your sister may be, if she is resistant to getting any help, nor having any feelings of wanting to change herself, then you are certainly at a loss.

BPD's work best and perform when given boundaries, because we tend to lack them. I lack the personal boundaries sometimes when sharing. We all do it, it just depends to what degree.

Honestly though, it does appear that your sister is taking advantage of the passive approach your parents are putting out there. If they don't feel a need to change their own behavior, is it possible to see if they would see a family counselor with just YOU? Meaning, so that you guys can discuss how best to handle the situation with all involved, and then see if your sister would be willing to meet your requests somewhere in the middle?

I don't have all the answers, but hopefully its a start somewhere. :0(

My heart goes out to you...

<3

AMP

Reading your post tugged me somewhere.

I could relate to your sister.
I was always the troublemaker..the "blacksheep"

My siblings would ask why my parents were patient with me.
My folks said--> she needed it the most.
The answer surprised me.

I thought i was their favorite...

Years of countless spats, rifts and drama has made me slow down.
Suddenly i felt so GUILTY after living years of being blind/selfish.
Now i regret hurting my parents more than ever.

Causing them so much pain...

It is not something we deliberately do. We do things base on our emotions.
It is hard when one is racked in constant pain. Emotions are magnified tenfold.
Your sister's weight gain, addictions and cigs are her crutches from depression.

I hope your sister will also try to reach a point of self-searching. Maybe one day she will when she feels enough is enough. Or when she experiences something eye-opening or life changing.

Thanks Johnny, Ali, Crazy for the helpful responses and it is a nuthouse! I really have got on them about sending her to a mental health profressional and to setup boundaries, but like I said, it is almost as if my parents are brainwashed and will just lash out on me. Their defense is, "There is nothing wrong with her, she is just lazy." It is so tiresome arguing with them. Even people close to me are in amazement on what happens at our home. They way my parents enable her is unreal, I could right a book on it. Like I said, I almost feel that the only thing I can do is get away so it does not effect me more. It has in ways as I kind of feel like I have some narcissist behaviors in me where I have to be 'perfect' cause she is so out there.