Finally ended it but badly, need help with the guilt

WARNING: LONG POST, YOU'LL NEED AT LEAST A 20 MINUTES TO READ BUT ITS HONEST AND I COULD USE SOME SUPPORT

I finally mustered up the strength to post. Finding this forum has helped me a lot, reading similar stories and knowing that others are feeling the pain I feel. I also appreciate reading the openness and honesty of both BPDSO and NONS in expressing how they feel, it helps both sides understand each others pain.

On to my story, I'll try keep it shorter and concise.
I was in a 7 year marriage with my college sweetheart. She was definitely a healthy partner in my opinion, very supportive early on in the marriage. I quit school and worked two jobs in order for her to try and finish school as we met during our second year of college. It was a very sweet relationship, we were both young, we learned a lot from one another. As time went on she outgrew me, she advanced in her career quickly while I remained at a dead end job due to my own lack of ambition. That's when bigger problems began. She expressed her frustration with my lack of career and drive. We had both talked of me eventually finding a better job that would provide more in order for her to eventually quit the corporate world to possibly have a family and pursue her goals to start a business from home.

That's when I met my BPDSO. We met at the local dog park. She was also married at the time to a successful business man with a big family and strong ties in the community which she described to me as abusive and unavailable to her. I was instantly swept of my feet by my BPDSO, she was attractive, bubbles of energy, very sexy and flirtatious yet kind and understanding. A moderately high functioning BPD in my opinion. I was 30 at the time and she 38. We began opening up to one another about each of our marital problems (a huge mistake I regret but own) and began spending time together outside of the dog park, first the gym and eventually meals out together etc. She began to reveal to me that she was having 2 affairs at the time that we met, one with a trainer at the gym and one with a man she had met on vacation a year earlier. She justified it by saying that her husband wouldn't have sex with her or hug her or give her any time. I believed her and she said she would stop having contact with the two other men. Looking back on things now and having read about the BPD love relationship evolution, I realize that I am the typical rescuer. I grew up in an abusive household, physically by my father and sexually by my mother. In hindsight my mother exhibited strong BPD traits and had very few friends. I clearly remember my parents relationship dynamic, my father was an angry tyrant but towards my mother he walked on egg shells trying to keep the peace because their fights were catastrophic. Police would be called, clothes would be burned, telephones and electricity would be cut off etc. It made for a very dysfunctional childhood. It was a recipe for me to be accepting of drama filled and high charged fighting with my BPDSO.

Back to how we proceeded. We began an intimate affair less than two weeks of meeting at the park. I had a job which involved me being mobile and had plenty of opportunities to see her. She would invite me over whenever her husband was out of town on business. We kept this up for almost a year while my marriage deteriorated. During this time my BPDSO pressured me to leave my marriage and that she would leave hers. I was selfish and messed up and wasn't ready to do so. That's when my BPDSO took matter into her own hands and exposed the affair. A month later my marriage ended and I hurt the one person I had met to that point in my life that tried to love me in a healthy way. Looking back I realize that my attraction to my BPDSO was so strong because my wife at the time admittedly began to lose faith and respect in me as a husband. I took the coward way out rather than going to couples counseling to fix a very fixable problem. I believe now after seeing a counselor a couple of times that I didn't value and felt bored in my marriage because my wife was for the most part a loving, faithful and supportive partner. Her love for me didn't match what I was used to growing up in an abusive home. On to my relationship with my BPDSO.

Once I moved out of my home and into my own place, I rented part of a house, things with my BPDSO went well for awhile. Of course I was hurt by my BPDSO revealing the affair to my wife but I looked past it because I knew what I was doing to both my wife and BPDSO was wrong by not ending the marriage when the affair began. Things with my BPDSO went well for about 3 months then I began a new job. She began to express her concerns about me being around new women, that she wasn't comfortable with me going to lunch with them etc. When I resisted her demands to not go to lunch with anyone except other male employees I caught a glimpse of her anger for the first time. It was very shocking to me and I didn't know how to handle it. I was a coward and agreed to her demands. As time went on at my job there came times when I ended up going to lunch with female colleagues because it was a group setting. Over the next few months her lack of trust and insecurity about my new job grew worse. She began trying to catch me lying and cheating. She began going through my phone and asking for email and phone passwords, access to phone bills etc. Strangely enough this was the type of behavior I witnessed my parents display, my mom constantly not trusting my father, even using me as a spy to follow him on a cruise shipvacation when I was 12. Because of this I agreed to her demands and gave her access to all of my things. Eventually she found phone numbers of a couple of female colleagues with whom I text messaged regarding group lunches. She began calling the numbers without me knowing and once she got a woman's voice her rage began. She began calling my work and hanging up, texting my female coworkers nasty messages etc.

This is when our first break up came, me initiating it. She made desperate attempts to keep contact with me including making up stories, being hit by a car, a bad car accident, showing up at my house, constant calling and texting. She had a mental breakdown and her ex-husband who stayed in the picture as a friend (he has a big ego and wants everyone to still like him including her) still carried her medical and got her to a therapist. The therapist diagnosed her with bi-polar and anxiety disorder. Her brother is bi-polar which I believed led to the therapists diagnoses. She recommended a qualified psychologist for her to see. That's when we got back together. I was missing her at the time and the fact that she was seeing a therapist drew me back in. I attended a few therapy sessions with her and my childhood issues came to be known.

By this point we are at the 1 1/2 year mark. The next 1 1/2 years that followed were pure hell. She never followed through with the referral for the bi-polar diagnoses and began focusing on my abuse as a child. She began to blame me for the problems in our relationship, the fact that I'd lied about going to lunch with female coworkers when I said I wouldn't. My distrust in her began to come out because of how her and I began with her having 2 other affairs other than me when we met. The cycle of her rages and then making up for it grew worse and worse as did my reactions to her rages. Each time she raged I reacted with what I saw growing up, fighting back with my own temper. She grew violent as time went on, never hurting herself even though she threatened at times when she would feel guilty about her rage, but towards me, hitting and yelling. I never physically fought back, not once. To make things worse I had an emergency open heart surgery for an aortic dissection which I inherited from my mother. I stayed with her and she cared for me for 6 weeks. During that time I felt like James Caan in the movie Misery. Suddenly put in the role of caretaker my BPDSO was an emotional mess. Caring one minute, furious the next. She would prepare food for me because I couldn't myself and she would slam cabinets and plates down. I went through so much emotional trauma at this time which bred deep resentment. And to top it off because of my surgery she said she was no longer attracted to me physically because I am not the strong man who could protect her that she fell in love with.

6 months out of surgery one of her rages (about me lying about having lunch with female coworkers still) caused her to try and punch me in the chest. I had to turn and she punched me in the back several times. She wouldn't stop and I was forced to call the police. She was arrested and spent the night in jail. Of course I didn't press charges because by this point I was convinced my lying was the cause of all the rages and thus I was somehow responsible for her behavior. We dove right back into the cycle though she never got physical with me again, mainly in part because I told her that if she ever did I would press charges and she would have it on her record. She works for a corporate company and is moderately high functioning with a bad shopping habit so I believe the threat worked with her.

The last 3 months each fight between us got worse and worse. More insults from us both, her using my childhood abuse and the fact I make less money than her. Me calling her mentally ill etc. For all the reading I've done about BPD I could not control my reactions to her behavior.

What sparked the end of the relationship was my return to work this January. My BPDSO still brings up and rages about my lying to her about coworkers. She said that for me to return to my old job after open heart surgery she would need to check my phone records, I'd have to introduce her to everyone at my work etc. My condition requires me to live keep stress levels low or risk complications. After discussing the issue for 2 months my BPDSO kept going back and forth about staying together or breaking up. I in the end decided to break things off and go with the no contact rule. A day after my decision I went back on it because I missed her so badly. I don't have any family I'm close to because of my abusive upbringing and neither does she. She is alone on holidays just as I am. Yet each day I could feel the stress and resentment of our relationship cycle taking a toll on my health. I take 5 medications to restrict my blood pressure. I could feel it rise throughout the day in just interacting with her insecurity, lack of trust in me and anxiousness which dictates a lot of her life. So in an emotional decision I called the police to get the remaining items from her home and told her I would get a restraining order. I know it's a mental illness and she is a real person whom I love with all my heart but I don't have the strength to be friends with her as she wishes me to. I feel the problems and distrust and resentment we have towards one another would spill into a friendship that neither one of us would keep. I believe we would fall back into the relationship cycle and I would eventually become more ill due to it.

So now here I am, posting because I miss her and am completely heart broken. A big part of me wishes I could be friends with her to still have her company even though I know it's unhealthy for me because of my health and for her because she will never get help because she blames me for the problems because of my childhood. I feel guilty for abandoning her and not being her friend even though in my mind I know that friendship would not be good for either of us. I guess if anyone has any advice or kind words they would be greatly appreciated. My support group is small, 2 friends and no family, being with my BPDSO soured my other 2 close friendships. My infidelity in my marriage severed ties with many of my other friends as well. I accept the choices I've made, I am starting therapy this week, I just need a little more support.

Thanks to all who read this extremely long post.

First and foremost, I am terribly sorry for your heartbreak. You have plenty of people here that can empathize with the devastation that rips through your heart and soul.

On that note, I'd like to ask if:

A. She's medicated?
B. in therapy?
C. Aware and working a program like dbt?

Thank you for your kind words. Having people around to connect with here will help for sure.

In response to your questions:

A. She's medicated? No.

B. in therapy? No. She uses the excuse of therapy being too expensive but she spends $1000 a month on shopping for clothes etc. So she isn't ready in her mind for therapy.

C. Aware and working a program like dbt? She is at times aware and will say she may have bipolar or BPD as both her ex and I have sat down with her to talk about it. She is not in any program and believes the problems in our relationship were caused by both my childhood and possible what she might have. It's always a "might have" when she talks about it.

I spent the day reconnecting with an old coworker who has interacted with her and been on the receiving end of her nasty texts. I know time will heal I just wish it was faster.

Could a mod please put a "Non" and "Trigger" warning on this.

I hate getting tricked into posts from nons

I'm sorry did I post in the wrong section?

Please let me know if I did.

atomicuniverse wrote:Could a mod please put a "Non" and "Trigger" warning on this.

I hate getting tricked into posts from nons

+ 183908249038249038294038290483902483


<333 atom

-- Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:17 am --

HEY HOPE IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE, LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH!!

Lalalalallalalalalalal

Hopeful,

You posted in the right spot. Two types of people on the forum, people that don't suffer from BPD, usually called NONS, and those who do suffer from BPD, and sometimes referred to as BPD's, but please don't refer to them as that is not correct. They are people that suffer from BPD.

If you are looking for other Nons helps, put something like "Nons only, may trigger" in the title. This gives those who suffer from BPD a heads up to not view the thread as it may upset them.

Now that the formalities are passed we can get to the thread.

There are several Nons here that you can talk to and get support.

1) Glad you are going to therapy. You need to take care of yourself 1st. I was in therapy for just over a year. It helps a lot. There is no easy quick fix to all this, so don't expect one, but I do promise if you go to therapy and work hard, you will be good eventually.

2) As I said, take care of yourself 1st. That means you can't help your girlfriend who suffers from BPD when you aren't well. If you can go "No Contact" basically as it seems, no contact with her at all, will provide you with the best recovery. I keep minimal contact with my ex as we have children together, but all we discuss is the kids. I disregard any emails, text, phone calls that are not related to my kids.

3) There are some good books out there for you to read. I suggest "Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't leave".

4) Try to not have hatred in your heart against your girlfriend. This was my hardest part to get over, and I would say not a 100% over, but getting very close. This will set you back in your recovery, it did with me. Just realize that no one wins with BPD. Trust me they wish they didn't have this either. It's a lot worse for them than us Non's. So with that in mind you know your pain, can you imagine even worse? So give her empathy, but that's it. Move on.

5) You have voids in your life now. Most of them were bad. Life doesn't like voids so there will be things filling those voids very soon. Make sure they are positive things to fill those voids. Talk with friends and family. They are your biggest support.

That's all I have for now.

I wish you all the best.

Stinger

You know, I could be triggered by this, but instead, my heart goes out to you.

I feel that you have done everything that you possibly could for your BPD'er, including putting your health at risk, in many major ways. I feel that you have and did do everything in your power to prove your love, and in return, she acted with disdain, disrespect, and some BPD attitudes/behaviors.

Of course, I may take heat for saying those things from my fellow BPDers, but at the same time, maybe some of them will understand.

I feel that your post had nothing but heart in it, and nothing but a hand reaching out, looking for understanding. And I am reaching my own hand out to you, as well.

My ex-husband never put forth the kind of effort for me, unlike what you did.

Bless your heart for trying, but if she is unable to commit to getting some sort of help, which it does not seem that she is doing, then you have done the right thing, and walked with what dignity and health you could muster.

Keep on, keepin' on. I know it hurts, but you're better off in the long run.

<3

AMP

-- Mon Jan 09, 2012 12:35 pm --

You know, I could be triggered by this, but instead, my heart goes out to you.

I feel that you have done everything that you possibly could for your BPD'er, including putting your health at risk, in many major ways. I feel that you have and did do everything in your power to prove your love, and in return, she acted with disdain, disrespect, and some BPD attitudes/behaviors.

Of course, I may take heat for saying those things from my fellow BPDers, but at the same time, maybe some of them will understand.

I feel that your post had nothing but heart in it, and nothing but a hand reaching out, looking for understanding. And I am reaching my own hand out to you, as well.

My ex-husband never put forth the kind of effort for me, unlike what you did.

Bless your heart for trying, but if she is unable to commit to getting some sort of help, which it does not seem that she is doing, then you have done the right thing, and walked with what dignity and health you could muster.

Keep on, keepin' on. I know it hurts, but you're better off in the long run.

<3

AMP