BPD coping with a breakup

Hi all... I have been in a relationship of 3 years on and off during which time I've alternated between being in love and treating my bf like royalty, and acting almost desperate at times - especially when I feel he is unavailable, to acting totally aloof and unresponsive when he is "all in." We have flip-flopped in this manner for 3 years, and compounding that is the fact that much of our 3 years has been long distance, as he is constantly moving for work and temporary contract jobs. He has his own commitment issues and is riddled with doubts about us, partially due to his own tendency to over analyze every aspect of our relationship and our "compatibility." One time, I even found somebody else because I had been pushed away by his distance and lack of commitment, and he came begging for me back, to which I had no response and was quite heartless until my other relationship ended. So now it has flip-flopped yet again, and I am the desperately in love one, and he is scorning me. But we agreed to end this relationship a while ago when he moved out of state because lately everything has spiraled out of control due to my condition worsening. I never made a real attempt to get help for my BPD until now, and now it is "too late," as we- or he - has already decided the breakup is necessary. My question is though, I have heard different accounts of how BPDs handle devastating break-ups. Most of the accounts say that BPDs are usually the heartbreakers because they move on quickly, but I am having the opposite experience. The anguish I am feeling is excruciating. I have been hospitalized once before for a bad breakup with someone else. I am feeling desperate and hopeless and the desire to be with him is overtaking all other aspects of my life. I can't function normally. I am severely depressed because of this and truly believe he is the one for me, and I lost out on this love because of my BPD issues which I am finally getting help for. Will this get any better? I cannot function like this, and all I want is to be with him. If my condition will help me move on quicker, that would be great. But so far, all I feel is misery and extreme regret. HELP

First of all, try using some space between paragraphs.
Like this...see?

Anyway, I really understand how you feel. A lot of people here will. Time will get you over this if you try to work past it.

You know that he isn't your world and that you can live without him. You did it for years before you knew him, right? You'll learn to realize your own strength and value and then you will be able to lean on yourself again.

There are more fish in the sea, right?

Hello,

First off I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain. Heartbreak and missing someone is a very paralyzing feeling. I just joined the forum today and I am hoping to find some help and peace here as well. I am on the other side of the relationship being the non. My BPSO and I have been together for 3 1/2 years with two short breaks during that time, a two week and a three week. I ended it one of those times and she ended it the other. We ended for the third time yesterday and it was my decision again.

From my experience with talking with her after each of the first two break ups I got a better understanding of how she the BPSO handled it. When I broke it off it was extremely difficult for her. She felt desperately abandoned and couldn't get control of her emotions and was in complete anguish. She did everything possible to get me to contact her or see her, including making up stories as cries for attention, being hit by a car, a bad car accident, showing up at my house unannounced, calling me and texting me nonstop etc. The time that she broke it off she was much stronger. She filled her time with someone new, though platonic in her mind, not in the guys mind though. She hung out with the one girlfriend she had as well, though it was a very strained relationship.

I'm sure it varies from person to person but being a non I can only share the experience as described by my ex BPSO.

I hope you feel better soon. I imagine that its similar for the BPD and the non to not jump into spending time with someone new too quickly as that could just repeat the cycle. Perhaps the only real solution may be getting professional help. That is what I am beginning this coming week.

I forgot to mention that the reason I am dealing with the effect of the breakup now rather than months ago when we decided we were going to part ways is because we agreed (or he agreed after I begged and begged) to have one last "hurrah" over new years, so I went to see him where he lives.

I told myself I would not let any of my rage or BPD-ness interfere and just have a good time with him, really make him miss me before we parted ways to ensure that he'd come back. Well, suffice it to say we had a terrible time, and I was more out of control than ever. I really made it hell for both of us.

So I just got back a couple of days ago, and although he maintains he loves me and was crying when I left, we are cutting off due to our agreement. But the last trip and the shock of being with him and then NOT really has made this so much more difficult and made my regrets that much worse. I wasn't ready for that trip, I should have gotten healthy first.

Anyway, he says that once I get healthy and get this under control to call him and he will see where he's at in life and if he's ready to give this another shot. But the reason I wrote on here is the periods of dysphoria I have been experiencing these past few days are unbearable. I don't know how to get through them. And I don't know if it's normal to experience a breakup like this SO INTENSELY and if it is my BPD that is preventing me from grieving healthily or is it just me as an individual that can't handle this properly?

-- Sun Jan 08, 2012 1:46 pm --

Yes, thank you. That sounds familiar although I have not taken extremes like that, but sometimes I think the only reason I don't is because I am considering my parents as well, whom I am very close with. The times when I decided to break it off, I dealt with it much better. Two of the times I broke it off were because I found strength in other men, and my pattern is to not let go of one relationship until I am ensured another... my attachment issues.

So this time, I don't have any other prospects and although we both "agreed" to this breakup originally, really it was ultimately his decision since I changed my mind about it and begged him to change his too and reconsider. So it has been especially devastating to me, especially since I blame myself and my BPD for the destruction of this relationship.

What I'm feeling is very physical, too. Panic attacks, a longingness to be with him that feels like a need that has to be met NOW or else I'll die. And even though it's supposed to be a breakup and not a "break," it is left sort of open-ended because he says when I get healthy, we will reconvene and see where we're at, because I am starting a course of DBT with group and individually. So, I think this openendedness, ironically, is making it even more difficult for me to get over this because in my head, there's still a chance, and all the pressure and weight is on me since our chance is relying on my "getting better."

Is it normal to experience this so intensely? No.
Is it normal for a person wit bpd to experience this so intensely? Yes.

Just be glad your not dolling out suicidal threats. You are right, though, about the open endedness. Also, as a person with bpd, you undoubtedly deal with rejection poorly. Very poorly. That is why you might feel worse when he breaks it off instead of you.

Honestly? Just try to force it out of your head as best you can. Try stop thought. It helps me a lot with my ruminations, it might help you. Focus on your work and what you want to make of the future.

@overcome123
My BPDSO and I did the same thing. Because we both have no family we spent Christmas and New Years together as a last happy time together and just like you and you ex, it was a combination of hell and happy times.

I too wish both sides could get past this phase faster. I recall now what worked for my BPDSO one of the times we broke up was writing down all the bad times, bad things, name calling, fights, reasons for resentment etc. She would pull it out and read it every morning, before bed and anytime she missed me. In fact I did that last night. It helps a little, maybe you could give it a try.