Possible BPD and Parents Denial

Hello everyone. I've recently signed up to hopefully get some advice from people who are perhaps going through something similar and can understand what I'm experiencing. I tried to keep it as short as possible so apologies for the length.

I'm not officially diagnosed with BPD but I highly suspect I'm suffering from it. As such, I'm waiting for my appointment with the counsellor to discuss the possibility. I don't do self diagnosis often but this time I'm almost sure it's BPD. I researched and read a lot about the disorder and it's like all of those articles described me perfectly.

I can date all this as back as 5 years. However, for most of 2011 it was less severe--instead of constant mood swings almost all day every day, I experienced it maybe twice a week or so, though I still experienced bursts of uncontrolled anger. And for a while I thought I 'got over it' and that I was back to normal, that I was finally fine again. But few weeks ago, something triggered it again and it was like back to square one with the same severe intensity as few years ago. I don't know what happened, it really feels like someone flipped a switch and I can't go back.

I overreact to things people perceive as small or trivial and I almost always end up in tears, frustration and exhaustion. Something as trivial as a tennis match could make me really irritated, upset, aggressive and starts the whole cycle. Or something as simple as opening a can of tuna.

Earlier this evening I made my daily phone call to mum and we were talking about different things. Then I told her I'm seeing the counsellor for a possible BPD next week. I was trying my hardest to make her realise how stressed and worried I am but she quickly brushed it off and said "I'm sure you are fine. You'll be fine." And that was that. For the remainder of the conversation, I was trying my hardest to keep calm and I ended the call sooner. The moment I put down the phone, I just broke down and I was crying uncontrollably. I was upset and angry at her and everyone that came to mind. "How could they deny it when I can no longer do?" I asked myself. They have no right to pretend I'm fine when I know I am not, that I'm hurting and in pain. The blame game soon started and I was just filled with too much rage, I started banging my thighs with both hands so hard until I had to stop because it got painful. I was able to calm down shortly after but I just feel awful.

This sounds more like a rant than anything so I'm sorry for that. It's just I'm too frustrated and don't know what to do. I am finally able to accept I have big problems and want to try and fix myself but denial from close people, from parents especially hits really hard. I never asked for any of this but don't just leave me to deal with this mess on my own...

Every day I feel more and more pessimistic and I have seriously considered cancelling the appointment and just accept that this is what I am. That I'll deal with it myself, my way somehow. I fear the thought of being officially diagnosed with it. I feel it's become me, who I am and if the counsellor says the three words, it'll be taken away from me. I'll no longer have any sense of identity, or what's remained of it.

I want to have better relationships, feel secure and have control on my emotions but I feel I'm always going to be haunted with the fact they're all going to take the same route and it's just better to end it myself on my own terms before they do. Or better yet, avoid them altogether. I can't reach my potential when I'm imprisoned by something complicated and difficult like this. It's too difficult and painful and more so knowing the very people I hold dear to me cannot see it or understand.

For the love all that is good and true, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE go to your appointment!

I don't mean to trivialize your feelings by being hyperbolic, but most mental disorders are treatable, especially if the the patient/client wants treatment.

For BPD, there are several effective treatments. You should talk to your psychiatrist (when you feel it is appropriate) about dialectical behavior therapy, mentalization, and schema therapy for starters. Do some research and ask for a referral if they don't offer the services you want. Remember: A little informed consent hurt anyone.

Anyway, welcome, good luck and hope to see you around here often.

Welcome to the nuthouse!

Parents are like that. They don't want to admit that their little darling may be less than perfect, even if they already know otherwise. When I first told my parents, my mother was determined to convince both me and herself that I didn't have BPD. Her two arguments were:

1. "everybody has a lot of those traits", and
2. "you're not really Borderline. You're just borderline-Borderline."

Admittedly, the second one hurt a LOT more. My dad's approach was to just not talk about it. It was one of those "if I don't say it, it's not true" things. It took them both some time to process the reality of it, but eventually they have come to (more or less) accept it.

As for you, MJPam is right; please go to your appointment. You'll be better off for it, and if you are diagnosed with BPD, it may make it easier for your mom to accept, since it's now the word of a professional.

On the upside, it's going to get better from here on!

Parents don't like to think that something is "wrong" with their child. My mother doesn't like it, but she has come to accept it. Having BPD doesn't define who I am, but it is part of who I am.
My grandmother sent me a letter recently, saying, "I don't really understand what's wrong with you. To me, you're perfect." I think this is how a lot of parents (or grandparents) might think.

Listen to Johnny and mjpam. Go to your appointment, if only to satisfy your curiosity, and explore your treatment options. Having a definite diagnosis doesn't mean it's all that you are. And there's lots of help available for BPD.

I also agree with the other people posting - please go to your appointment. It may be the opening of a new door for you. This is your life and it is precious, regardless of your parent's opinion. They are likely nervous to admit that there is a mental illness in their family - it is still such a stigma. Our daughter refuses to get help and it has been offered to her so many times. We are supportive of her taking charge of her life and health issues but we just can't seem to convince her get the help she so desperately needs.

Thanks for the welcome and your replies, mjpam, Johnny, flowingtears and Madonna. They were all quite helpful.

mjpam wrote:For the love all that is good and true, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE go to your appointment!

I dragged myself to the appointment and even though I still have my doubts and reserve, part of me is glad I went. I guess I was really dying to be helped for so long and now it's actually happening.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:Welcome to the nuthouse!

Parents are like that. They don't want to admit that their little darling may be less than perfect, even if they already know otherwise. When I first told my parents, my mother was determined to convince both me and herself that I didn't have BPD. Her two arguments were:

1. "everybody has a lot of those traits", and
2. "you're not really Borderline. You're just borderline-Borderline."

Admittedly, the second one hurt a LOT more. My dad's approach was to just not talk about it. It was one of those "if I don't say it, it's not true" things. It took them both some time to process the reality of it, but eventually they have come to (more or less) accept it.

As for you, MJPam is right; please go to your appointment. You'll be better off for it, and if you are diagnosed with BPD, it may make it easier for your mom to accept, since it's now the word of a professional.

On the upside, it's going to get better from here on!

I'm sorry to hear this. It must be awful to be given those arguments and even worse when they come from your parent.

Once I mentioned I suspected BDP, the counsellor pretty much followed the same argument as the first one listed. She said that personality disorders are on the severe end of the spectrum and most people have those traits, it's the 'percentage' that differentiates normal from a disorder, and rushing into a diagnosis won't necessarily be helpful. I guess as the sessions accumulate, we'll be able to conclude whether it's definitely BPD or not. This is all understandable of course.

After briefly talking about few bullet points I had in my mind, I could sense she herself had already suspected it might be BPD but she didn't want to jump to conclusions (sometimes I feel like a crystal ball!) And from then on, whenever she'd explain things, she did it in a way that didn't make me feel devalued or something like, "no you're wrong. It's like this" that I always experienced and felt. I'm not sure if she's done that after taking the Borderline into consideration or not. But either way, I felt a little bit at ease. She also emphasised that eventually the sessions and our relationship as counsellor-client will come to an end and it shouldn't be looked at as an issue of abandonment. So in a sense, she was setting boundaries and identifying the relationship from the start. And I was actually very glad she did that and it didn't feel like I was pushed away or anything. I don't know if all counsellors are like this but I think I'll be comfortable with her, even though it'll take few sessions before I fully feel it.

Mum knows that I go to counselling but I didn't mention why and I think I'll keep it that way for a while until I'm more or less certain of what "it" is. Dad on the other hand doesn't know. At least I think so. I mentioned to mum that I don't want dad to know but I could see her telling him sooner or later. I believed that if he found out, he'd manipulate me out of it. It's probably just in my head though.

I can feel the anxiety kicking in already, this is a new situation to me and to be allowed the platform to talk about any of my feelings and most importantly to be understood is something alien to me. I really hope something good eventually comes out of this.

Angelene wrote:I'm sorry to hear this. It must be awful to be given those arguments and even worse when they come from your parent.

Don't be sorry. It was rough at first, I'll admit, but she finally accepted it. I'm sure the fact that my grandmother (on my mother's side) was bi-polar played into it, both on the initial resistance and ultimately, on the acceptance. Most of how I got her to accept it was basically just joking about it. Any time she'd call me nuts for doing something, I'd proudly tell her that I was, and now I had the paperwork to prove it.

I think it helped her to accept the fact that, just because some psychiatrists said that I have BPD, nothing about me changed. If I have it today, I probably had it yesterday, too. All the diagnosis did was add a label to what I was already doing. I wasn't going to go through the DSM-IV and say "hey, I'm BPD, but I'm not doing this thing yet. I'd better get started!" Once she accepted that, things settled down.

Point is, don't give up on your folks just yet. It takes parents time to come around to things like this.

I'm glad you kept your appointment!! Hugs to you for that! ((big squeezy hug)) I have to go in for a follow-up diagnosis next month before they'll let me in the DBT program, so I'm a little nervous about that. They're the same docs who told me I had BPD in the first place, so I'm not sure how they could give a true second opinion, but that's the drill.

Funny enough, my big concern, the first time I went in, was that they'd tell me I had some mental disorder. Now, my biggest concern is that they'll tell me I don't! Based on how I feel and how I find myself reacting to things (although I often don't realize it until after the fact), as the 8-ball says, "sings point to yes", but I'm still worried nonetheless. It's a label I've grown accustomed to, and cling to now. It's kinda like when you were a kid and your mom took away your favourite blanket or told you you were too old to be carrying that stuffed animal around (not that I ever stopped the latter); it's that same fear.

I also suspected I had BPD before I was diagnosed. I actually found it a huge relief when I got an official diagnosis, because I knew they'd be able to find a way of treatment that fit the diagnosis.
Knowing that I have BPD, my team try to treat me in a way that acknowledges that. For example, because they know I have issues with abandonment, they try to tell me as soon as they know if they have a holiday planned or are changing jobs, because it'll give me time to get used to the idea. They also know that I find it difficult to communicate directly, so when I do communicate directly, they give me a lot of encouragement and positive reinforcement.

I really hope things go well with your counsellor. She sounds very nice and understanding.