My Story

I'm typing this on January 1st for a reason. I've never been diagnosed or gone to see someone for BPD, but you know when you have it, and I have it. It's become more prevalent now than ever before and I need help; I'm not going to let it hold me back anymore. I'm a very happy person and I'm thankful for all the people in my life. I'm posting here so you guys can see what I'm going through, and I'm thinking of it as my first step to managing it. I never thought their could be a whole place to talk to people about my problems.

First, read this article. *Edited by moderator*

That was posted when I graduated high school last June. My mother's emotions are very unstable too and I believe she has BPD also, but she's too proud to ever admit it. The article makes it look like she left and there was no problem, but when I did the interview I held back on what happened between her because I didn't want it to be public. Long story short, she had recently divorced and she met a man who took her breath away and convinced her to leave me and follow her dreams in California. There were terrible fights. It took me months to forgive her but now that I'm in college I feel that I have secured new emotional anchors and I was able to let the pain away. It's hard keeping in touch but I love and miss her very much. I wish she was here with me and we talked everyday but there's nothing I can do. Maybe after college I'll move out there and start my adult life.

Back to the present. I went off to college this year and fell head over heels for a girl. My BPD makes it impossible for me to have relationships. I get very hurt over the littlest things, and I'm so nervous when I'm around her. I get too involved with the girl and I become clingy and I shut out all the rest of my friends. I act different. It's as if I live for her. My friends hate it and she hates it, and they don't realize how much they make me hate myself. And I only push them away more. The girl I'm in love with is very fed up with how I act and things are over really thin ice. She talks to other guys too, and that tears me apart.

My mind is in inner turmoil. Who am I? Why am I the one that's been given a terrible emotional burden like this? I'm home on break and I have no life. All I do is sit around and then go hang out with friends. I treat my dad terribly and he's the only one willing to help me. I love him so much. I'm tearing up by writing this. I tried calling him today to apologize for how I've been acting. I'm so ashamed. I'm so disappointed in myself. It's my main motivation for wanting my new year's resolution to be overcoming my BPD.

There's so much more but I needed to get at least this written down. I'm so excited to read all your stories and hear what you have to say. I'm not all alone.

I am the father of a son your age. He has had problems including depression and the feelings of emptiness associated with BPD traits. Although he doesn't have the challenges of a mother like yours (and the associated feelings of abandonment), he has struggled with getting too close to girlfriends and the excessive fear and heartbreak of their pulling away.

He has sometimes treated us badly, often when unable to regulate his emotions. We parents are human too, also subject to emotions, and temporarily get angry. And many times parents don't realize what our kids are going through, and don't understand their feelings, even if we try hard. It took me a long time to recognize that there is a need for us parents to ensure our kids feel safe and secure and appreciated and loved and cared about, beyond just day-to-day interactions.

So one thing I told my son after a particularly difficult altercation, and I felt it in as sincere and strongly a way like nothing else I ever have or believe I ever will: "I love you unconditionally. No matter what you say or do or don't do. Know that a parent's love for a child is the most pure love a person will ever feel. Until you become a parent yourself, you may not understand this, but someday you will." And since that time we have had a much better and trusting relationship.

Now I realize some parents may not be able to express this love in a way that is obvious. And some parents, like many with PDs (maybe your mom), are so caught up in their own problems they lose sight of the importance of communicating their love and commitment to their kids.

You should not be disappointed in yourself by looking back to the past. So give yourself the chance to let your dad know how you feel about him. It sounds like he can provide the stability you need, and is willing to be your confidante. Continue to think positively of what the future can bring, and you can make it happen.