Shame and Guilt *POSSIBLE TRIGGER*

I'm afraid that despite all my efforts to get better since my diagnosis in April of 2010, I'll always be this way. No matter how much any one person might hate me, it will never equal the hate I feel for myself. I truly believe the world would be better off without me in it. I've been told that leaving those around me who care in the form of suicide would be extremely selfish, and I know it would hurt them but long term I feel as though I'd be doing them a huge favor. My mom deserves a better kid, my daughter deserves a better mom, even my DBT therapist deserves a better pacient.
The pain I feel is great, and the uglyness that comes from me at times scares the ever living $#%^ out of me. Even my internal organs know how much I suck because I can't stop abusing them with cheap vodka and any other downer I can get my hands on to quiet my demons, if only for a short time. My 35 year old step dad doesn't deserve to have cancer, I do. I'd trade with him in a hot second if given the chance. My December 13 hospitalization brought great shame upon my family, and then my step dad finds out he's got limphoma right after. I feel as though I did it to him. He's the only dad my 9 year old sister andI have ever known and the only man in this world for my mom. It's just not fare. He's never taken drugs, he works his ass off to provide for his family, and he's being a real freakin' trooper about the whole cancer thing. He's a good man who really doesn't deserve this. Unlike me, the monster.
I thought taking my medication and going through DBT would be enough to make me better but every time I let my therapist down by picking up that bottle or popping another benzo I feel as though I'm not good enough for DBT. I've tried every form of suicide known to man from the known stuff to the truly outlandish. and yet like some kind of disgusting fungi, I remain. I feel truly alone and afraid. I don't know what to do.
I've been trying to self sooth all day with Last.fm and medical marijuana, but it's not working.
-End Rant-

*healing hugs*
I'm so sorry about your step dad. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time right now, but please don't give up and please stop with the alcohol and drugs. That stuff will only make things worse.
I'm sorry you feel the world will be better off without you. It isn't true. Your family needs you. Your daughter needs you.
You're a good person. You just have to focus on getting well.

well wishes,

Evol

I'm very sorry to hear about your step dad . It's understandable that you would feel this upset when someone in your family has cancer.
They're coming up with better and better treatments nowadays so… hopefully he'll be able to make it through.
Just try to hang in there and don't give up just because you have the occasional relapse.
As for your DBT instructor, I'm sure he'll understand. If no one ever had relapses, DBT would only ever last a week.

-RAAAAGE!- have to retype whole damn reply. Not happy with you right now Firefox!
Evil and Shaky
Thank you very much for the kind words and reasurranceabout my step dad. I really wish he didn't have to suffer through 6 months of cancer treatment but I hope it's successful because our family would be totally lost without him.
I texted my DBT therapist and let him know I was feeling like hurting myself and he talked me through it. Though he's disappointed in my drug/alcohol abuse, he says he's still got my back and we will get through this together. He's awesome. I'm so lucky.
I'm very mad and upset with myself but I need too in the words of a good friend of mine, "man upNancy".