flipped last night, did stuff, dont understand [TRIGGER]

I have dx GAD, with BPD tendencies,
ive been having mounting anxiety over the last week due to a build up of 'unfinished buisness' and i just finished exams before that. so i guess im having a long anxious episode, i dont know.

ive been feeling increasingly isolated from my friends and have been having frequent angry outbursts with my boyfriend. were also dealing with me 'cheating' which hes having a hard time with

last night i got a text from a friend that set me off (told me i missed a huge party), this is where i dont understand

**** im going into details of SH


i flipped out completely, went into an angry crying rage, was pacing back and forth, decided I was going to pick up a pair of scissors, sit at the edge of my tub, roll up my pants and cut myself. It didnt hurt, I wasnt thinking about anything except making another scratch, watching it turn from white into blood and make another one.

I then proceded to put a gauze on it, roll my pants down and go sit in my kitched where i just bawled my eyes out and was shaking, i didnt feel normal, i was like on a high, I stress that i did not feel like myself at all it was like i was not in my own head. and then all of a sudden the shaking stopped, i felt calm but i was still crying and i started to feel 'normal' again

i told my boyfriend and he got rly mad at me, and he doesnt trust me anymore (which brings us back to square one from the cheating issue) and i still feel incredibly lonely and anxious

ive never cut myself before, just banging my head on walls, punchign things

I dont understan what the hell happend

AJ - I'm sorry to hear of your struggles....

I think ALOT if not ALL of this can be explained by the stress you're under.. You had finals (huge stress), issues with bf, over cheating (a very huge stress), also unfinished business (probably another big stressor), isolation from friends (more stress).

Do you see how much stress you're under?
Is it possible the isolation from friends that you're experiencing is due to finals and bf?

No one wants to hear from a friend that they missed out on something or made to feel like they've been out-of-the loop. It really sounds like this was the breaking point and all the stress you've been feeling finally caught up with you. Everything you described can be related to intense anxiety and frustration.

You say that you've never cut before and now you have the issues with the bf.... is it possible this escalated into cutting, in part, to get attention from your bf? In a way to divert attention from the cheating to the cutting? This question is asked only for the reason of why did it escalate from banging your head on wall to cutting... You don't have to answer these questions here. Their questions to ask yourself. Self harm is self harm whether it's banging your head on a wall or cutting, and neither is good. I do think that with the stress you've been under it's still reasonable that you would've acted out by punching something or banging your head on the wall. I am glad that you didn't injure yourself to the point you had to be taken to the hospital.

I "wish" that I had better words for you in regards to your relationship with your bf. When trust has been broken it can be hard to get it back. You're only option is to do the best you can in re-establishing trust, and mentally prepare yourself that there is a real possibility he won't be able to get that trust back.

Hang in there!!!

-cbox

thank you cbox, your words were very insightful, I have been doing a lot of htinking and you are definately right about the stress.. I need to get a better release and a handle on how to deal with this next time around.

you were very helpful... it still scares me about what happened and how much i didnt feel like myself when it happened and i still dont understand, but It has woken me up to my poor stress management