BPD or not BPD...that is the question

Yeah, I'm a newbie. Been to behavioral health for mild anxiety a couple of times, but never fully spilled my guts to them on what I get like in my worst moments. So Thursday I go to see my doctor again, and hopefully work towards getting myself to a better place. My wife thinks I have Aspergers, which I see signs of myself in the descriptions of both conditions, just I think more BPD.

The short version of the story is that my whole life growing up, my parents were somewhat distant and uninvolved. When I wanted to join the other kids in Boy Scouts, they told me my older brother already tried it and didn't like and that there was too much parent involvement, so I couldn't join. Children were to be seen and not heard, that sort of thing. They never showed affection to one another around me, never saw them argue or fight around me, barely ever swore around me, and sort of raised me in this little bubble to think the world was this perfect, peaceful place. As I grew older, I learned what the real world is like, and it isn't as warm and fuzzy as they made it seem. When I got older, one day I was around my father and his friends and then I heard him with the filter off. F-bombs left and right. I was shocked and embarassed, even though this was pretty much how I talk when around my friends. This is my foundation.

I became reckless with money. I couldn't save a penny to save my life, and spent whatever money I made at my job. Whenever the well would run dry of my own doing, I would have a mini-breakdown and get depressed, feel like I was worthless, etc. But all this time I was by myself.

Fast forward to today where my wife and I have been married for almost 5 years now. She is the first and only long-term relationship I have been in. In our relationship, I have again been reckless with money at times. Everytime she catches me doing something financially stupid, she lets me have it, as she should. And I react like a child. First I deny or try to justify what I did, then I admit it angrily and tell her to drop it. When she doesn't I get so emotionally charged I get mad thoughts rushing through my head and just feel like punching or breaking things. I have on several occaissions punched a hole in the wall and put my head through the wall once. Almost immediately afterwards I suddenly feel a rush of guilt and shame at what I've done and how I've acted. Then I go into self-loathing mode, thinking I am a worthless nothing, that I don't deserve my wife. I tell her I am a loser, that she should leave me, that I deserve to be alone and have nothing. I threaten to quit my job and drive off never to return. I smack myself in the head, I cry hysterically for hours with extreme shame, guilt, and feeling of hopelessness, to the point one night I thought I was damn near going completely mad. And yes at times during the whirlwind of emotions, wished I was dead. I will say out of all this reckless behavior, I have never though of, nor would I ever, ever hit my wife or try to do myself in. Just not my style. I also have never abruptly quit a job or just packed up and run away from everything like I feel like doing.

Whew! And this is sort of the tip of the iceberg. I've also got social anxiety and have had nightmares since I was a kid that have continued up to current day that have me crying out for help in my sleep. Wife loves that one too.

Oh yeah, I'm a newbie...first post!

hi, so you have difficulties in telling about you to your Doc due to your anxiety?
how about try to print what you write above and show it to her/him
will it help?

I agree with yoa. Writing out a list of what you're feeling, then reading or showing it to your therapist seems like a good idea.
And congratulations on the longevity of your marriage! 5 years is awhile nowadays, even where emotional disorders are not a factor. You must be doing something right..