What am i?

Hi! My name is Edward and I'm glad to have found this forum! I'm nineteen and the reason i joined is because I am concerned about my mental health. I have scheduled an appointment with a psychologist next week to get diagnosed but I would like to see what you think about my case. I'm glad that there is a website like psychforum.com because I get a feeling that i am not alone in this.
I have a vague idea that i am probably going to be diagnosed with BPD or NPD because after some research i got to the conclusion that my personality has a lot of similarities with both, but you are probably going to be able to give me some insight into this since you guys probably know more about this than I do.
I want to start off with the fact that a lot of what happens to me has to be with close relationships (both romantic, friendships and family). I may seem normal to people who are not close to me, but when the relationships become deeper things start to go crazy and it hurts!
Here are some aspects i want to point out in bullet points:

1. When i start friendships they seem normal, then turn into really intense relationships… I become very touchy. For example, I went to visit my friend in New Orleans the other day and stayed at his place. There was something he did that made me snap. it was probably something really unimportant but when it happened I took it to the next level and left the apartment with all my stuff. I didn't have anywhere to go and was so angry that i started punching walls and stuff to get some release of tension.

2. I want relationships to be perfect and know that im one of the most important persons in my loved ones' life. If they dont call me or act as if they would die for me I go crazy and fill my head with resentment and what them to NOTICE that i'm going threw a hard time because of what they did (which is probably something insignificant, but then again i'm really intense with these people)

3. There are moments when I snap because of really peculiar things. For example comments or they do a sound that bugs me. So I can love that person and all of a sudden the next minute i hate them.

4. There was this girl I was infatuated and obsessed with but I have trouble with confidence in relationships so she never knew I was madly in love with her, and probably still am today. So I used to go out and lay outside her window just to feel close to her. I would also send her pranks on her phone (she didnt have my phone number) just to listen to her voice.

5. I get illusions that the people who im completely fixated with, also feel the same way.

6. When i fall in love with someone and know I can't have them I go crazy when i feel like they don't love me back and crush my delusions that they are interested too. I have considered suicide about four times after this happened to me with two different people. I even hung a rope on my ceiling fan. The next day im again a happy person.

7. I feel the need to be in a relationship because I dont want to feel alone and I want people to love me so much.

8. With my close friendships and family I switch my mood in a second and feel Intense rage, cant control myself and say horrible things. I become someone im not and im conscious of that at that moment but i cant stop it. After I cool down I dont remember a lot of the things I said.

9. I frequently have feeling of emptiness and feel like there is a lot missing in my life.

10. My moods don't change out of nowhere. There is always a stressor. The curious thing is that it is always something small and insignificant and it just lasts a few seconds. Really intense seconds.

11. Depending on the mood I have I engage in risky behavior sometimes. I can be having a wonderful day and i'm driving and something stupid stresses me and begin to drive recklessly, yelling a people and feeling like they have something against me. Another example is when I was on a trip with a friend and because we had an argument about nothing wrong he had and I just went crazy for no reason. So, I decided to do stupid stuff like take drugs for the first time and called a prostitute had paid sex for the first time. I sometimes get this feeling that I need to do something that's wrong.

12. I seriously don't think im paranoid because i have a lot of friends and know im popular and I know they love me but i want them to show it more.

13. I frequently change my mind about things and get interest in peculiar things out of nowhere and then just loose that idea and move on. For example I wanted to get a tattoo the other day out of nowhere and the next I just forgot about it and then I wanted to join a fraternity and the next day i didnt. I get these periods of wanting to do something different.

14. Im in love with an image of myself that is not entirely the real me. I consider myself better than the rest. Really handsome and powerful. And this is probably true to some extent but i feel like i put way too much importance into this. I think about it all day. Im always trying to find ways to perfect my face and body and to be seen as grandiose.

I'm really sorry for posting all this information but im really concerned and would like to know something before i actually meet with my psychologist. Im I both or just one, what do you think?
Thank you very much and im glad to have found you!

Hi Edward,

Sorry but your post is very long and my attention span isn't that big. But I do hope your appointment goes well and that someone else here will be able to provide you with more of an answer or some insight.

Edward, You are a guy who realizes that he has some problems. Many of the things you mention here resonate with me. The good news is you have enough self respect to seek help for those problems. I hope you find the solutions to your problems.

TheEmptySpace

I would say NPD, or BPD with NPD traits, or NPD with BPD traits. There's definitely a mix of the both there, but 14 made me thing NPD.

I honestly have no idea. Hard to tell. The psychiatrist or whatever is the only one who can tell you.

I tend to agree with Lia. I don't know whether you have full blown bpd or npd, but it seems you have traits of both. In my opinion, #1 seems to be strong bpd, and #14 seems to be strong npd. Good job in taking the iniative to see a proper doc for diagnosis. Be prepared that the psychologist may not give you an immediate diagnosis, especially when it comes to personality disorders. You may need to see them a few times before they will give you an official dx.

I'm thinking NPD with BPD traits, but then again - I'm not a doctor.

AMP

I know what you are - you're a rabbit! A really smart friggin' rabbit!!

No? How about a mouse that heard that computers have mice and wanted to go check out the competition?

Really I think the others are right. There are definitely some Borderline traits in there, but there are also some Narcissistic traits in there, too (particularly, as others have mentioned, #14). Without knowing you better, it's hard to say. #14 could be your ONLY narcissistic trait, or it could be the only one you thought was worth noting. Admittedly, when I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I had half the BPD traits they said I had. Then, as time went by and things happened, it became a case of "oh yeah, I guess I DO have that trait after all." You may well be in the same boat.

But whatever it is, you definitely sound like a Cluster B to me.

Thank y'all for your replies! I do believe I have more BPD because I feel victimized when it comes to close relationships and I act accordingly. However, I don't want to come to a conclusion until I see the doctor. I will let y'all know what she says, in case you're interested. Is it possible to be both NPD and BPD?