Language Learning and BPD

The funk...it creeps.

I woke up in an especially rotten and depressed mood this morning. Trying to pull myself out, and thought I'd post about a problem I can't seem to conquer.

I live in a foreign country, and have been trying to learn the language over the past 4 years, but I seem to have hit a nasty plateau. It's like, I can speak the language in enough of a bare bones way to get across what I need to, and that seems to have told my brain to just shut off to new words or grammar points. Much like English, there are about 5 different ways to say the same thing in many cases, and when I try to learn the alternate words, I just can never remember them...Like they won't STICK.

Where my BPD comes in is where I could be practicing speaking with natives.
I hate to say it....I really do hate to say it because it's going to make me sound like such a horrible person, but most of the time I don't trust and am almost filled with hate for everyone around me. In this culture, people don't like to talk about their feelings about things, either, which makes it all the more frustrating, because for me, my emotional reaction to things is an important element to my quality of life. I enjoy pleasant reactions, and I feel that sad reactions to things are an important alert. You can try to say that to a lot of people (and I have) and they'll just glaze over and smile at you...maybe giggle. Y'know, basically until I want to slap 'em to get them to snap out of it and BE REAL. Really connect with me. I know these people are human and have feelings, but when I start getting the inkling of the stench of them hiding behind this stupid cultural wall of "It's taboo for me to reveal how I feel about anything to you" I get turned off immediately, and split black on them, leaving them for dead. The reality is, too, that I've had people act very bizarrely toward me during times I've really tried to practice the language with them just by having conversation. It has made me feel like there's something wrong with me.

The only lady I can think of as a real friend, when I try to speak with her in Japanese, is always asking me to repeat myself, or doesn't understand this or that word that I've said, which is humiliating. It just encourages me to continue speaking English only with her. My pronunciation isn't actually that bad, and I don't usually have that much trouble getting others to understand me.

When I first got here, the first 2 years, I was pretty eager to get out and meet people, inspired by the fresh start, but now, in my 4th year, I'm not as inspired, and am happier just to stay home. But I know that's bad, because I'm FORGETTING what little I've already learned. I've just nearly given up anymore. I desperately need encouragement to succeed in this, but my husband would even rather speak English whenever he's home. I used to try the uphill battle of speaking to him in Japanese, just to have him answer me always in English, and then have to nearly rip my hair out while asking whether I said something correctly, or what better alternatives there would be to what I said, just to have him reply as if he doesn't even know what I'm asking him. This has happened countless times throughout the 4 years I've been here, and it's maddening. He has no interest at all in helping me further my study. This is very clear.

Now I've gone, in the course of writing this, from feeling down to just plain angry. I hate this. I have a lot of other things to worry about on top of it all, so this language learning problem keeps getting pushed under the rug. I just feel like I want to give up and be a stubborn ass about it. I become afraid, because if something should happen to my husband, I'll be left to fend for myself, and I will need to have mastered (or at least to have become fluent enough) in the language to be able to get the help I need. It's just so hard for me to relate to the culture here. I love Japanese culture in general, and I love living here, but the way people interact with each other is worlds away from the way people interact with each other in the West. I'm trying really hard not to become infuriated with my husband's lack of support, also, but I'm slowly losing that battle as I sit here becoming enraged just thinking about it.

WHY can't I ever remember anything anymore?
Even when I make true efforts to try to further myself in learning this language???
I feel not only like a terrible person, but just like a failure in general.
Or like I'm losing my ability to ever memorize things...Just spiraling down into that dark abyss. >_<;;;

Not sure if any of you all will be able to relate at all, but it's definitely worth a shot, since you
all have been so helpful to me before. I truly appreciate it!

do you have a cellphone? try to type the new words which interest you or you think it might be important.

English is not my native language, french also not my native language, but i love to learn languages.

i also face the same problem with you, at some point i keep on forgetting the appropriate grammar like it won't go through my brain or i use wrong words to say what i really want to say.

so i type the words in my cellphone because i always bring it everywhere and read it regularly (when i'm bored, when i have nothing to do, when i'm waiting in rest room,etc).
I also make a fake conversation in my head and talk to myself and try to use the new words (i do this a lot..it's weird, i know).
when i forget about the words, i can always peek in my cellphone

it help me a bit...i hope it help you too

Yoa, thank you, that's a great idea!

I might have to see if I can find a really handy notes app I can stick on there that'll let me DRAW, since most of the words I want to know are a lot of kanji characters I can't read. XD
If I corner my husband with some of those, at least he'll just tell me how to read it and what it means, so that's something.

I get really frustrated not just because I can't get much support from the natural speaker who lives in my own home, but because my memory is just terrible anymore. It's been a hard process. Very slow. I get eyebrows raised at me because I've been here 4 years and still am not fluent yet. >_<;;; I buy books all the time and try to find ways to inspire and encourage myself to study harder or approach it from another angle, but for some reason on days like today, it all just feels like a slow, painful, uphill battle.

Thanks so much for your advice, and I still really do think you rock the English great!
Keep up the great work!

Akatombo wrote: I get eyebrows raised at me because I've been here 4 years and still am not fluent yet. >_<;;;

don't worry, i get the exactly same reaction when people know i took French literature in college for 5.5 years and still not fluent in direct conversation

language is complex like us, so it's understandable if the process is slow, especially for language which has different pronunciation and letters (that is depressing, i know)
perhaps you can try to put some Japanese words when you speak to your husband?
though i'm not sure if it'll work...i never learn Japanese

good luck!

Akatombo wrote:I get eyebrows raised at me because I've been here 4 years and still am not fluent yet. >_<;;;

Only 4 years!
I've been here 6 years and before that, I learned english 10 years in my country. Still I am far from fluet...

I like reding english-english dictionary, sometimes just randomly, sometimes picking up words of my interest. I feel it helps me a little.

Distorted, your English looks great, too!

Thanks for your encouragement, I'm really going to try to not get all over myself for being slow.
I guess it's just that the expectations of me are a lot higher, since most other non-Western foreigners who move to Japan are already really great at Japanese because they came from countries where learning Japanese was part of their school curriculum long before they ever thought of moving here.

It's really hard to compete or even look anything other than dumb, especially in a work environment where I'm working next to people who can not only speak Japanese, but Chinese, English and sometimes Korean as well! I mean holy cow, it's really intimidating!!

Thank you so much you guys for being so kind, it's helped me feel a lot better about this!
I'll just keep on keeping on at it.