Substitute Parental Love

I would like to ask a deep philosophical question now. Can anyone in our lives replace the love of a mother or father? Is it possible to find that person who will somehow become a surrogate parent? Giving us all we feel we didn't have growing up in a not so functional homelife? Someone we can truly rely on through anything? Or are parents unique in that?

Not for me. I tried putting someone in that role and it backfired on me terribly, causing us both a great deal of distress. I have to just learn to be my own mother and father.

Ladybuggy wrote:Not for me. I tried putting someone in that role and it backfired on me terribly, causing us both a great deal of distress. I have to just learn to be my own mother and father.

Yep. I've attempted this in each one of my relationships and I always end up disappointed, or I've given an abusive person too much power over me.

I believe that its possible to have a loving caring older friend be a surrogate type of parent who plays an important and integral part of your life. I have a friend whose mother died when she was 7, and she has such a friend in her life. She says that this person is like a mother to her in many ways, and she feels lucky to have her. Although I have/had a biological mother and father, I never felt that they were real parents to me in the sense that most people would define a "good parent." I always longed for a surrogate parent to fall into my life in some way. I even harbored hope that my DH's mother, my future MIL, might serve that purpose, but that illusion quickly disappeared early on when my DH told me that she was very unstable and had a host of her own demons to deal with. But, finding a surrogate parent is probably not something that is going to happen for me as it's hard enough for me to form regular, long-term relationships with peers.

That is a very good question. I think that once you realize that you are trying to do that with relationships, it can help you to stop it. I think that we have a concept in this society that parental love, or any type of relationships, are supposed to be a certain way. Television and magazines (and now the Internet) frame things in a certain way that make it seem like if you're slightly off that you're wrong or damaged.

Focus instead of the feelings that you want and the underlying need. It doesn't have to be through parents. Sometimes those needs can be met through yourself or you can find pieces of it in others.

No.

^ agree.

and nothing takes the pain away...

sophali wrote:That is a very good question. I think that once you realize that you are trying to do that with relationships, it can help you to stop it. I think that we have a concept in this society that parental love, or any type of relationships, are supposed to be a certain way. Television and magazines (and now the Internet) frame things in a certain way that make it seem like if you're slightly off that you're wrong or damaged.

Focus instead of the feelings that you want and the underlying need. It doesn't have to be through parents. Sometimes those needs can be met through yourself or you can find pieces of it in others.

Yeh, I think I agree with this.

talula wrote:I would like to ask a deep philosophical question now. Can anyone in our lives replace the love of a mother or father? Is it possible to find that person who will somehow become a surrogate parent? Giving us all we feel we didn't have growing up in a not so functional homelife? Someone we can truly rely on through anything? Or are parents unique in that?

I'll assume you're asking can a teen/young adult be able to find a surrogate mother/father, because babies, and young kids are adopted all the time.

Certainly it's possible, but I think it would be rare to find where the motives are pure. Those motives apply to either individual. I do think it's possible though!