Is Feeling Trapped by Things Part of BPD?

I figured out the rest of my problem with keeping a job. I wonder if any of you relate to this. It could be an aha moment for some.

It is the idea of earning money itself. It appalls me. I feel so guilty when I earn money. When I think about what would truly make me happy it is giving. Giving love, making others feel good about themselves, basically volunteering.

I don't like money, or the idea of money. I want to do what I love and not get paid. As soon as I start getting paid, I don't want to do it anymore.

Could this be it for some of the rest of you?

I am the opposite. I get very upset when I do what I love and I don't get paid. If I write an article or give a talk and am not compensated, I find that upsetting. I want to be treated as if what I have to offer has value. I do appreciate what you are saying and I think that it is a very generous and giving way to be.

I'm glad that you are starting to unravel the mystery of your feeling trapped.

It's a major, major issue for me. That and a very strong feeling that it's too late now. It's too late for me to have the life I want. Too late for me to start again. I have to get out NOW.

I'm like that with everything, not just jobs. I won't buy property even though it would make sense for me, because I can't bear the finality of it. The thought of knowing where I'll be living for the next 5-10 years is just terrifying.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 1000 times YES

This post describes so GOOD so much that is happening inside of me.

The job thing is the most obvious. I almost never had a job and have been a freelancer for over 10 years till 4-5 years ago and I was constantly arguing with my "normal" friends who had one on how can they do that, I saw them like slaves of the system, I found it so humiliating and was sure that I was right because off course I assumed everybody feels like me when going to an office... but inside I kind of envied them for going out of the house in some places full of people everyday while I was working at home and constantly feeling lonely .... and slowly slowly I started to realize that something may be wrong with me... I lost all interest in my freelancing and went on to do something else... events industry... everything went on just fine for 2-3 months while doing it project-based... so then I committed to that job full time (intuitively knowing that I'm kind of scared of some commitment) and guess what, it instantly felt like I was choking, "how am I expected to do this everyday", I cannot do that so I panicked and went crazy and it was actually when I had my first depression because those fears that I had there in the background that I kind of known of but never admitted came out and it was no way for me to deny them anymore...

That happened 4 years ago and since then I went on and on with many other things beginning and ending the same way and me trying to fight the demons in me ... it was just last year I found out I have BPD and just this year that I accepted it and just some weeks ago that I started reading posts like this and discovering that a lot of the things I felt through all my life have a common ground and there are others in this situation

And this brings a HUGE relief, finding out finally that I am not the only freak on earth but on the other hand the more I realize my weakness-es, the more I accept them and think about them... the more I get scared

I mean, I know theoreticaly knowing the truth sets you free and we are allways trying to identify our problems so we can solve them but in this matter... things like this poped out and we dealt with them somehow on the moment and then maybe there is a chance we forgot about them ... but then u know it there, it is in the system the world is smaller and smaller... another thing I cannot do ...

Do I make sense?

Anyway, this trapped feeling is huge, I feel trapped in so many ways, not just the job: a relationship, a conversation, even a plan for tomorrow, even the small things as washing dishes, I don't especially dislike the activity itself but when I "have" to do it I feel trapped, and I feel like someone is stilling my freedom, I am disrespected not appreciated, choked...