Responding to an abusive ex's email (BPDs only please)

Two years ago I got out of a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive partner. We have been no contact since that time.

He recently reached out to me via email with nice things to say about me, trying to open the lines of communication between us. I told him not to contact me again until I am ready to speak with him. I did this to establish boundaries and let him know I can't be manipulated any longer.

I do want to speak with him because I have things I need to say to him and questions I want answers to. However, I will only speak with him if he can be open and honest -- he's been in denial about his behavior for a long time. I want to make sure he understands these conditions and my boundaries beforehand and communicate it in a way that won't be offensive/triggering to him.

Can fellow Borderlines weigh in and offer me some advice? I am worried this may turn into a triggering experience for me. I worry that with the abuse, dissociation and denial that he is capable of, he won't be able to speak to me with true honesty. I think I can reach the "real" him (the side of him that was sensitive and caring that I loved) if I approach this the right way, but I'm not sure.

My best advice to you is to NOT contact him.
He doesn't want to own up to what he's done and he's probably not ever going to.

I understand you want answers and have your 2 cents heard, but the best course of action is to forget about him and let those questions go unanswered.
It's not going to be easy no matter how you try to approach him properly, or wait it out for him to be in a better place mentally. It's still going to be hard on you, and from what you've told us of him, I'd wager he's just trying to suck you back in anyway.

He's a manipulator. He's also, from what I can tell, a real jerkoff.
You don't need that in your life and you can live without talking to him. It's better that way.
I have exes I can't talk to for similar reasons. It always ends the same way, with me hurt again.

It's your choice what to do, but I advise you to forget about him as best as you can.
<3
-SmileXx

Smile, I think I knew that would be your response, and I was wishfully hoping there would be a happy medium.

What if I sent him a very impersonal email telling him I will only speak with him under conditions x,y,z and that if he is unable to speak with me under those conditions to refrain from further communication with me?

That way I know whether he's really ready to speak candidly, and he doesn't have the opportunity to manipulate me or potentially say something triggering.

I know I should let it go, it's just hard. It's been two years, and I still want answers.

If you reach out to him, it gives him an opening to get in your head.
He could sound like the most caring reformed person in the world and it's probably not true.
I used that trick on many an ex, and ended up hurting them again just because it's who I was.
If I talked to them now... I'D PROBABLY STILL DO IT... just because I know they'll let me.

People can change, but they will continue to treat people the same way they always have.
Since he was abusive to you before, he always will be. If he thinks he can get in your head, he will.
It sounds like he's already in your head... and hard as it is, you should nip that in the bud and banish his existence from your life.

Answers aren't worth the damage he could cause. It won't make anything feel better.
You're just struggling with the fact he WAS someone important in your life and it's over.
I guarantee it's not about him, it's about the loss.
That's why you're so attracted to the idea of talking to him... but nothing he'll say will fix the loss...

Still, it's your choice... I just hope you weigh all the options first.

It's hard to have such a deep connection with a person only to find them hurting you..
I'd be cautious if I were you..
People who abuse tend to grasp that they are abusive, apologize, beg for forgiveness, etc, but once you forgive them and tell them everything is okay, they are enabled to continue with being that old person you can't stand..

I wouldn't really speak to him, though if anything be limited on what the two of you talk about.
The moment he starts being emotionally hurtful, I'd say no more and continue to not be in contact with him.

Thanks to both of you. I am going to refrain from contact for now as hard as it is. Smile, I see that you are right. It is not about him at all. It is about the feelings of worthlessness and emptiness I feel. He cannot fix that and would probably make me feel worse. Thanks for your input.

Any time, honey.
That's what I'm here for.

As a recovered BPD, being in a situation where Im dealing with someone somewhat abusive, I can only say one thing. Be very careful. I started a thread about it that you can read about how I have reacted and I feel like Im on the edge of throwing away being fine for 7 years, for one person and now why would I want to do that, but yes, its hard and yes, there is a trigger risk I believe. If you want to talk, you are more than welcome to send a private message.