Misunderstanding (non-thread; may trigger)

Hi,

I'll take my chances and post it over here.
My BPDbf and I are having some misunderstanding issues. It's not really misunderstanding, but english isn't my native language so I named it the best I could.

I'll give a few examples of what I'm trying to say:


BF: "I'm going to my parents to do a work out."
ME: "Ok, will you be back for dinner or not?"
BF: (counts his hours on the clock) "... I'll be back around 17PM for dinner."

Then he leaves. I'm fine with that, why wouldn't I be. I like it that he enjoys his work outs so much, that he has something he actually loves to do. But, always after a few weeks (he works out every weekend on Saturday and Sunday), he'll turn his mood around.

BF: "You don't like me to go there, don't you."
ME: "That can't feel good, working out while you think I don't want you to. But what makes you think that I'm not happy for you?"
BF: "You always ask when I'll be home again, it's like I'm not allowed to leave the house."
ME: "Must be hard for you to feel that way, I only want to know an hour so I know if I have to make dinner for 2 or for myself only. I don't want to waste any food."

But he'll keep on being mad at me. This last weekend we've tried something new. I said that I didn't had to know before he left when he will be back, and that he can just text me whether or not he will have dinner at their place or ours. That way he maybe doesn't feel so much pressure to be home on time. But I don't know how that will work out, since it's the first time we tried that approach.


In my eyes, this is a misunderstanding. He thinks he has to be home with me, while I don't really mind if he has dinner at his parents house, or stays there the whole day. I have stuff to do too, so I really can enjoy it to be home alone and just do my own thing.
It's not only with this, but with other things too. This was just the best example I could give.

How can I let him know, that he is able to do whatever he wants? I've never been mad about these kind of things. And that's mostly because of him. Cause when he's out with friends, and he's later than he said he would be, he texts me to let me know he'll be late and I don't have to worry about him. And that's the only thing I ask.
If you're gonna be late, let me know so I don't call 911 with the assumption you're against a tree somewhere because you fell asleep behind the wheel. And he never broke that "rule".

How can I get him to know that he can do what he likes, without me being mad? Without him feeling guilty? Cause even when I say "hey, enjoy your new game on xbox, I'll do the dishes tonight by myself so you can have some time for yourself", he won't game... He will feel like I only say it so that I can be mad afterwards. I've never gotten the chance to proove that I won't be mad, since he won't give me the benefit of the doubt.

I really want him to feel that he can do as he pleases. And that if he doesn't want to do the dishes just one night, that that's fine by me. That if he wants to sleep in, he's able too... I wish he could feel free in the home where he lives in. Cause I would never be mad for that...

I hope you could understand my (long) thread, I'm getting tired and that doesn't do my english any good

Hugs, Muranyi.

Muranyi, I can completely relate to your bf, I don't know if we feel this way for the same reasons, I can only tell you that it feels miserable. I feel that I must be around at all times if someone needs me, I don't want to let them down and I feel that I am ultimately responsible for their feelings. If my husband were to tell me to relax and he would take care of the dishes, I would feel so guilty that I was being a loser and not doing my part that I would probably go in and start doing dishes. For me it's a feeling of never being able to relax. I feel like I must always be on guard and ready to report to other people. It's not their fault, totally my own stuff. It feels like being a prisoner. So frequently it is easier to just be alone, than to have to worry about maintaining other people's feelings.

I guess that must be so exhausting. To always feel you have to do something.
I'm a busy bee myself, but when my work's done, I will relax. I give myself at least one hour a day to relax, and not feel guilty about it.

But I think my bf is like you in this case then...
Cause whenever he's home alone, and he comes to pick me up from work, on the ride home I'll hear everything he has done till the tiniest detail.
Like "I did the dishes, made my bread for work, sorted out the laundry, looked something up on xbox, then I made the bed, ..." And I tell him that he really is allowed to take a rest or just do nothing for a couple of hours...

Is there anything your husband could do, to get you relaxed or feel like you shouldn't have to feel guilty?

Muranyi wrote:But I think my bf is like you in this case then...
Cause whenever he's home alone, and he comes to pick me up from work, on the ride home I'll hear everything he has done till the tiniest detail.
Like "I did the dishes, made my bread for work, sorted out the laundry, looked something up on xbox, then I made the bed, ..." And I tell him that he really is allowed to take a rest or just do nothing for a couple of hours...

Ahhh no. The whole point of telling you everything he's done, is so you can acknowledge it. I do that a lot, I need validation for everything I do. And I will hover around my husband like a bad smell until I get his acknowledgement. Your response is pretty good though, because you are giving him permission to rest and not have to do anything else, so that works pretty well.

Muranyi, I don't think that he is telling you that stuff because he loves to stay busy. Personally, I hate being busy. It's giving you an accounting of his day so that you know that he does things and isn't a loser. It helps assuage his guilt. When you feel guilty and bad all the time, you feel like you must keep an accounting of every little thing you do. It's to win some points with your partner, but on a much deeper level it is totally driven by guilt and fear and the need for approval.

Is it than best for me to validate him and acknowledge it?
Cause he really does a lot around here, I just don't quite know how to react to it.

And what can I do about the misunderstandings of him feeling/thinking he's on a ball and chain here, while I really don't want to give him that impression.

Overall, I want him to be free in anything.

I don't know if he likes to be so busy. I do know that when there's nothing to do around the house (often everything is already done since we're both hard workers), he will seek arguments. I don't know why he does that, but his mood really shifts when he's bored. Perfect time for let's say, gaming. But he chooses to wander around the house, looking for something to do, and getting aggitated when there's nothing to do.

Both of you, thank you so much. I gained a lot more insight already

Hugs, Muranyi.

If I would do like this, that might be because I do not like my husband go somewhere by himself every weekend, and I assume he feels in the same way with me. If he would say he does not mind I always go out by myself because he also wants to do something by himself, I would feel as I would not be required by him, and would feel bad too. If he would say he does not like I go out by myself, then I would feel angry to him and I would claim that I have a right to do something I want to do. I know it is very double standard, irrational, inconsistent, selfish, but I might think like that.

In those situations, I want my husband just validate my feelings, but not change his decision on what he will do, put aside the issue until I calm down, show me his affection, and asure that my silly reaction does not affect on our relationship. If he would change his decision because of my reaction, I will feel more guilty. In reality, what my husband does are just not change his decision and put aside the issue until I calm down, though.

Muranyi, I appreciate your respect to the people in this forum.

Wow, reading this is helping me understand more about myself as a pwBPD!
I used to work for most of my life, but now because I've had to deal with some pretty dramatic life upheavals, I am a housewife (for the time being, at least). I can't stand it because I never feel as though I get enough done around the house. It's a constant feeling of anxiety, restlessness and guilt which has lately led to full on depression. Naturally, that's even more defeating because it robs me of the energy to actually get any of the things done I was worrying about getting done.

I always feel as though my husband thinks I'm lazy. I'm extremely sensitive to it. I definitely do NOT allow us to live like slobs, but something like a few strands of cat fur or my hair on the floor somewhere in the house will bother me all day long. I try to rationalize that it's just because I'm used to going out and working, rather than being at home "doing nothing," but now I do wonder if this is something not unique, that pwBPD struggle with. The need to feel validated and worrying about not pleasing enough. I mean, I get to points where I worry my husband will up and suddenly just want to divorce me for not being the wife he expected me to be (we've been married 4 years).

Thanks for bringing this to light, guys! It's helped me learn something, too!
Now...How to manage these feelings. I can't afford a therapist to help me work through them,
so this forum is really all I've got in steering myself to wellness. I'll keep reading and hope for more insight in this post!

Akatombo wrote:I always feel as though my husband thinks I'm lazy. I'm extremely sensitive to it. I definitely do NOT allow us to live like slobs, but something like a few strands of cat fur or my hair on the floor somewhere in the house will bother me all day long. I try to rationalize that it's just because I'm used to going out and working, rather than being at home "doing nothing," but now I do wonder if this is something not unique, that pwBPD struggle with. The need to feel validated and worrying about not pleasing enough. I mean, I get to points where I worry my husband will up and suddenly just want to divorce me for not being the wife he expected me to be (we've been married 4 years).

Exactly. I relate 1000%

Akatombo wrote:Wow, reading this is helping me understand more about myself as a pwBPD!

This is the best phrase I've ever read in a Non-Thread.
^_^