underplaying your symptoms?

I was just wondering if this was a general thing those with BPD experienced, or is it just an experience...

Whenever I fill in one of those forms right before my session, asking me how I feel have I had any tendencies, I almost always down play this and lie. If I am feeling a 6 of depression, then I put a 3. I never admit to suicidal thoughts, on the logic, well I don't ACTUALLY want to kill myself. This goes with the session as well. If the questions are not asked then I will not bring it up. If I am asked have I thought about ways to kill myself then I will answer with general hesitation. The point is though people cannot ask you every question under the sun in the hope they will stagger on something that is effecting you. Then there is the words within the question. No point have you wanted to kill yourself this week, b/c I haven't... No point asking me how have you felt this week, because I have felt so many things this week, I will tell you OK.

This is my therapy sessions, but it goes with day to day life. People around me have no idea. They think, yea I get low and I get moody. I have never admitted to pain, the anxiety the intense feelings. I shock myself when I fill out these forms privately. Those days where I am in a complete state and need to vent people just assume I am having a bad day. Understand that it will pass and give me the advice to struggle through. My recent decision to take a year away from everything and university to learn how to cope better and stop those cycles have come with a lot of skepticism. They don't get why I can't just get a job, that I should. That I should just be functioning. Not realizing that this would defeat the whole point of what I am trying to do this year, ease myself back in to the rat race!

I still dont have any dx except the standard "yep, you're depressed", lol. I don't lie about my symptoms on forms or in consultations, but people misread what I'm saying cause I come across like I'm ok.

If any questions are asked about suicidal ideation I usually tell the truth but always make sure to say "I have no intent" - basically for legal reasons so they don't try to lock me up, lol.

In the past I did play stuff down by other people's standards - I'd say "sometimes I feel - desperate". To me that = "sometimes I feel suicidal", someone else said "well we all feel desperate sometimes". But to me wtf is desperate to them then? I don't understand what they mean by feeling "desperate" if it doesn't mean being tipped into wanting to do something drastic. (how/what/why etc)

I did shock myself when I had to fill in my referral form (yeah, they make you fill in your own referral form, lol.) I was under the impression for a long time I really was just lazy and undisciplined, lol. Seeing it written down made me think.. no, I'm actually crazy.

...just as a random observation, hearing the words "rat race" sets my B&W thinking off badly. lol

Your own referal form! Ha. I suppose its good for reflection though.

I was more asking whether I should associate this avoiding or underplaying my feelings as part of BPD. I identify with most of the criteria for BPD, I was just wondering if this was also part of it, or just my general inability to convey my feelings.

I hate measuring myself against peoples descriptions of how they feel. For a long while it made me feel weak, as though I was just feeling what everyone else was, but I just couldn't cope. Now I just cannot simply accept when some says yeah I get stressed out, but I just get on and manage and ensure this that and the other, is quiet the same as when I say I am stressed. Mainly because I can get stressed and deal with it, but when I get stressed to the point I am moaning about it my entire body and mind shut down and there feels as though there is no this that and the other to implement. I cannot be convinced that they are of the same intensity and thats all I have to do...

Rat race is a very black and white term. But then I cannot cope with engagment in the real world at the moment and thats what it appears to me to be at the moment. A job ect ect I know does not have to be simply to be part of the rat race, but thats what it feels like to me at the moment.