The Borderline Dance

I've been married for a little over three years; it's my longest relationship. Marriage can be difficult for me, as relationships are hard for me to maintain. Some relationship stuff that people on the forum experience, I don't anymore; cause I'm married and "safe" now. However, this morning the old ugliness of the push pull reemerged. Anxiety X100. But interestingly enough now I understand that the push pull and the triggering has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. Ever. Last night I told my husband that I gave up on our relationship several months ago. I said what I really felt. Not playing around, not trying to hurt him. I was being honest, and expressing feelings that I have held inside for awhile now.
So this morning what I can only think of as "the borderline dance" started up in me. Panic through the roof that I was going to be left. Here's what comes up for me: Oh no I'm on the losing team, stuck with the stupid kids, unwanted, stuck with myself, I am unlovable and the last person in the world that I want to be stuck with. Push/pull. "I don't feel it anymore." "Please don't leave me, I didn't mean it". Panic and anxiety as if I am about to be annihilated.
The conversation last night did have to do with my relationship with my husband. The internal reaction that I am having today is old baggage that has absolutely nothing to do with my current situation.
The Borderline Dance.

It's JUST LIKE THAT!

Went thru it this morning.

Guess I need a new dance partner

all i can say is: aye.

thank you for stating it so beautifully. i hope sometime to catch myself in the middle of it like that too, give it a name, and say: go away.

Oh, this is all too familiar...sorry you're going through this, mooshoo.

What I don't understand is why this makes us bad in relationships - like f-ing demons or something. If you find fault with someone, but still are willing to stick it out with them, doesn't that make you loyal?

Black / White thinking - people are all good or all bad? Or THINGS /SITUATIONS are all good or all bad? The latter is more my way. I think in extremes. I don't think anyone I love is all bad for more than like 15 minutes. And even then I feel like it is probably my fault they are acting badly.

Strangers / acquaintances / male friends - it's easier to think they are all bad for longer periods of time, but my opinions can be swayed.

I'm so confused.

mooshoo,

Very well put. Thanks for that!

Some food for thought about the situation, because I'm going through the same with my husband right now: how much of this is because things became stable and the stability is unnerving? There are times when I'm stressed out that I crave that push/pull because it's the only thing that I grew up with being familiar. In a jilted sense, it's comforting.

Do you know what caused you to feel as though you gave up on the relationship months ago?

Hi Moo... I'm sorry to hear about this... BUT... a few questions...

Did you really give up on the relationship, or did you just want to create some excitement to appease yourself? I ask because I've done this. The old "I gotta go" and the next day, "OMG WHAT DID I DO, I SO DID NOT MEAN THAT" routine. And you're right - it's a dance. It's like the dirtiest dancing in a club, grinding and fun, but then at the end of the night when the lights come up and everyone's a sweat ball, well the reality of calling a cab comes crashing down.

If you truly DID give up on the relationship, then why do you want to stay? Because even if you are the one with the kids, or the one you think no one would want, what IF there is someone else 2 years down the road who knocks you off your feet and makes this relationship feel like small potatoes?

I mean, in short, I guess what I am trying to say is that just because there is ample fear of being alone and abandoned, if it were on your own terms, and you were the one to walk - would you be okay with that? Please don't sell yourself short. You rock WAY too much.

AMP

(btw, when i said 'go away' in my first post, i meant to the dance and the past, not the partner. i realize that could sound kind of flippant.)

i hope you give yourself lots of credit for catching it and realizing that it is what it is. i think when that happens, it means who we really are is naming some part of the illness and taking some of its power away.

congrats for that.

Well put mooshoo! I do this dance all too often...

Infact, I was dancing the borderline last night! It is horrible. Its as though two sides of me are constantly fighting... Its frustrating to retain long-term relationships or friendships with these sorts of patterns occuring...

Thanks for the replies. I know that some of you asked me specific questions. However, I'm a bit ambivalent to talk about my relationship online. I think that the main point of the post was the experience of the push pull that we have, and how incredibly anxiety provoking it is, or rather that an extreme amount of anxiety is causing the push pull to begin with. I do think that it's important to clarify for any Non's that may ever read this: I have hurt people in the past with the push pull behavior. They get close, I really want them close, and then I push them away. However, when this has happened with me, and it hasn't been in every relationship, it has NEVER been about trying to hurt the other person. My pushing away has to do with feeling completely vulnerable, which feels like I am about to be erased. If you have never had that experience then you are quite fortunate. The feeling that you could be completely swallowed up and disappear can make a person do things, like run away from a relationship, to try to escape the feeling of annihilation and vulnerability. It's an unbearable feeling.