trigger

talking to so about how i felt he had lack of empathy, why has he never cried in the ten years i have know him (at least in front of me). i told him he doesnt understand me. he just got angry and annoyed, but only moldly, realy. i want to see some PASSION. i just saw us just being this way forever. i am afraid i am trapped with him . i cut my hip with a razor.

what am i, five years old. i am almost 30. i cant tell anyone, im an embarrassment, a freak show.

now am yelling at hime, angry, why doesnt he out his arms around me and hug me like an empathetic person. scream.

Tea, I know that this may be hard to think about right now, but what are some of the good things about your relationship? I'm just trying to get a balanced picture. What is it about this relationship that makes you want to stay in it? And like I asked Ali earlier, how do you feel about yourself when you are with him?

i tried to explain to him but he said its becoming harder and harder to deal wkth. i am typing this so irememebr to to tell ym T. going to take xanax and sleepnow

edit i cant respond right nownmooshoo.m i ran away from him, but now he is here now
and i have just shut down, going to bed and i cant think any more abputnit.

Hey Teapot, (<-- look at that I just created a nickname)

I hate hearing that you're down and hope things start looking
up. I think Mooshoo asked some really good questions..

Hope Thursday is a better day for you!!!!

Tea...

Calm down hunny, sleep it off... It can be difficult to think of any positives about your relationship with him when you're feeling like this... Like mooshoo said, think about the positives after a good nights sleep...

Remember, guys think differently to us. They're less emotional, well... The majority are. Im not saying they're emotionless though... But they handle their emotions differently. If you need a hug, tell him. Say "I need comfort right now, Im feeling low. Could you hold me?". One thing Ive learn't is that people cant read our minds. We expect them to, expect them to be as tuned into our emotions as we are to theirs... But we need to ask for what we need. Its the only way we will get it...

mooshoo wrote:Tea, I know that this may be hard to think about right now, but what are some of the good things about your relationship? I'm just trying to get a balanced picture. What is it about this relationship that makes you want to stay in it? And like I asked Ali earlier, how do you feel about yourself when you are with him?

Thanks moosh. I am thinking on this now, from a calmer place. Last night I couldn't see beyond that moment and all I felt was fear that we were getting married, wanted to get far away from him...

When we met, I was attracted to his sense of humor, his ambition, his thoughtfulness (kind of minor, but he lived with five other guys and before I came over would always make sure to light a candle in the bathroom and tidy up a bit--also, took care of me very well when I was sick or feeling bad), the fact that he had some major baggage (father killed by a foregin government when he was a baby), fact that he was just different from anyone I ever met before, fact that he liked me.

We still have good times together, but we have hurt one another a lot through the years and I struggle to let go of some of those things. I can let go of them when things are good, but the second he hurts me I bring up all of the bad things he's ever done: wasn't there when i had an abortion because he had to work (he asked me to postpone a couple of weeks!), skipped my college graduation party after we had an argument, once told me i was "going to wind up like every other woman in my family."

I'm just afraid, I don't know, I can't articulate it. I want to feel happy with him and safe, and sometimes I do, but when I don't it's horrible.

I hope you are doing well today, mooshoo. Take care.

cboxpalace wrote:Hey Teapot, (<-- look at that I just created a nickname)

I hate hearing that you're down and hope things start looking
up. I think Mooshoo asked some really good questions..

Hope Thursday is a better day for you!!!!

cbox, that made me smile. Thanks. I hope it is better, too, I'm really going to try. But I have ten hours of work to do in 5 hours: it took me ages to get out of bed this morning and now it's 11 a.m., and I have to leave at 4:30 for my T appointment. Where I get to tell him I cut like a freaking idiot. Ok, I'm going to stop getting down on myself for that. Where is my rational hat again? Take care.

Calm down hunny, sleep it off... It can be difficult to think of any positives about your relationship with him when you're feeling like this... Like mooshoo said, think about the positives after a good nights sleep...

Remember, guys think differently to us. They're less emotional, well... The majority are. Im not saying they're emotionless though... But they handle their emotions differently. If you need a hug, tell him. Say "I need comfort right now, Im feeling low. Could you hold me?". One thing Ive learn't is that people cant read our minds. We expect them to, expect them to be as tuned into our emotions as we are to theirs... But we need to ask for what we need. Its the only way we will get it...

Chaude, you're right, I need to stop with the mindreading. I just hate feeling so vulnerable, and I feel like my pain should be so evident that any fool would know what to do. But then again, sometimes when I am upset, I don't want him to touch me. So it is a good point. How does he know what to do? Thanks for your response, hope you have a good day.

I really like what Chaudment said. Ill say a couple of things and hopefully they will help or give insight from a male point of view.
Firstly, your spelling is impeccable, but I noticed quite a lot of errors in your first post or two.....where you drinking or just really upset? Either way its really hard for a guy to know how to deal with an emotionally upset female. Generally speaking, empathy does not come naturally for males. We learn as we grow by watching others, and learn the appropriate actions. Some never do. We tend to tackle problems logically. We see someone upset.....why are they upset? How can we fix it so they arent upset. If you are upset at us, often we will step onto the back foot and become defensive.....i cant read your mind, you never told me you felt that way, you are being unreasonable......that kind of arguement results in a no win situation......the man will feel they have done nothing wrong, and the woman will expect the man to know what she needs. Neither side will give in.
This also isnt helped by the fact that most men, when they have a problem, retreat into their caves. They dont want to talk about it, and will mull ot over until they can figure it out logically, and then they will come out of their caves and be emotionally available. Women often seem to want to talk about things when they are upset.....they dont want their partners to provide solutions, but to be supportive and empathetic. Men instinctually want to solve problems. They have to retrain their brains to be more supportive and to just listen and provide empathy. That is the mans conundrum to help him relate better to women. The womens conundrum is that they need to be aware that men, for the most part, are not good at reading body language and *reading between the lines*.....they also need to be aware that empathy is often difficult for men when its not asked for. So women in turn need to appeal to the way a mans mind works and ask for what they need, including empathy, and being upfront about why youre upset.
I hope this helps in some way *hugs*

Dancing is forbidden wrote:I really like what Chaudment said. Ill say a couple of things and hopefully they will help or give insight from a male point of view.
Firstly, your spelling is impeccable, but I noticed quite a lot of errors in your first post or two.....where you drinking or just really upset? Either way its really hard for a guy to know how to deal with an emotionally upset female. Generally speaking, empathy does not come naturally for males. We learn as we grow by watching others, and learn the appropriate actions. Some never do. We tend to tackle problems logically. We see someone upset.....why are they upset? How can we fix it so they arent upset. If you are upset at us, often we will step onto the back foot and become defensive.....i cant read your mind, you never told me you felt that way, you are being unreasonable......that kind of arguement results in a no win situation......the man will feel they have done nothing wrong, and the woman will expect the man to know what she needs. Neither side will give in.
This also isnt helped by the fact that most men, when they have a problem, retreat into their caves. They dont want to talk about it, and will mull ot over until they can figure it out logically, and then they will come out of their caves and be emotionally available. Women often seem to want to talk about things when they are upset.....they dont want their partners to provide solutions, but to be supportive and empathetic. Men instinctually want to solve problems. They have to retrain their brains to be more supportive and to just listen and provide empathy. That is the mans conundrum to help him relate better to women. The womens conundrum is that they need to be aware that men, for the most part, are not good at reading body language and *reading between the lines*.....they also need to be aware that empathy is often difficult for men when its not asked for. So women in turn need to appeal to the way a mans mind works and ask for what they need, including empathy, and being upfront about why youre upset.
I hope this helps in some way *hugs*

Thanks for the male perspective, DIF. That rings very true--SO and I have ogtten into arguments before where he offers up his opinion of how to "fix" something, when all I wanted was a hug! And you got me, I was drinking--a couple of glasses of wine under my belt. I also was typing on an iPad and was extremely emotional, so that wasn't helping me.

I think drinking hurts our relationship, because any rationality I can access when goes right out the window with the first few sips. I have even, on occasion, been violent when drinking, and that makes me really dislike myself.

I hope you are well today, Dancing. Thanks for your response.

The abbreviation DIF had me thinking for a split second. My ex fiance told me to Die In Fire when I broke up witg her and asked if we could be friends hehe

Chaudement wrote:Tea...

But we need to ask for what we need. Its the only way we will get it...

I need a million dollars!!!


Well from another males perspective I'm not sure I fully agree with everything that has been written.

We still have good times together, but we have hurt one another a lot through the years and I struggle to let go of some of those things. I can let go of them when things are good, but the second he hurts me I bring up all of the bad things he's ever done: wasn't there when i had an abortion because he had to work (he asked me to postpone a couple of weeks!), skipped my college graduation party after we had an argument, once told me i was "going to wind up like every other woman in my family."

Tpot... I like that better.. kind of like cbox.

Anyways, onto the seriousness. I'm not sure how serious your relationship is to this person or where it's going, but be cautious with the bold text. This is something that you could use to continually rip open wounds in the relationship if you're not careful. I'm not sure if you voice these things when you're upset. If you don't there's a reasonable possibility that you will at some point in the future as the intensity grows. The underlined section to me are all red flags. Was it impossible for him to be there when you had an abortion? I would think most employers would be understanding of a medical situation. Him not being there would be unempathetic, but that situation is so common sense oriented no male should have to be asked in that situation. Even IF it was impossible for him to be there the comment made about your family is somewhat telling. I don't know your relationshiop with this guy, but I'd hate for you to be in a situation where you're kept down by cheap shots like that.

In regards to your post with the bad mispellings I found it to be quite fun and challenging trying to figure out what you were saying... My guess is that you had taken the xanax. Just be careful and don't overdue it with them...

-- Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:05 pm --

P.S.

We're very close in the numbers of our posts. I wonder who will make it to 200 posts first???