tired *Triggering*

I live in the house where I was abused/raped ... sometimes I fantasize about it burning down. To be honest. I'm not okay tonight. Tonight I am tired of fighting. Tonight it seems too hard. I've cried and cried about what has happened, trying to get through the grieving process. But I'm tired of fighting. When I fight, I overcome ... but sometimes ... I just wish every day wasn't a fight ... every time I step outside my door I am pummeled by triggers. 15 years of abuse results in a LOT of triggers. Tonight, I want to forget that I exist. I want to forget ... for just a little while ... but I can't. It's always there. It's always tormenting me. I want to erase the horror from my mind. I feel trapped in a nightmare from which I never wake ...
dear brain .... please stop

Hi Rentana

It's ok to feel tired of fighting- I know where you're coming from.(((Hugs)))

If you want to keep talking, we're here.
Lily

That can't be good Is there any way to find somewhere else to stay? And then sell up or something? It can''t be good for you to live there. *big hugs*

I understand rentanaardvark. I sometimes get triggered going to visit my mom's house, where my father abused me for years. I am going there today, actually. I try to stay in the present as much as possible, remind myself that I am here in 2011, my abuser is gone. And I am safe. But I know that is very , very difficult, and you live there all the time. If you can't leave, are there little things you could do to change the way the house is set up, or maybe you could get some paint, new curtains, anything to make the environment a bit different and also add some cheer.

Thinking of you, take care.

Rentana,
I'm sorry your hurting so bad. Have you talked to your therapist about these triggers? Can you sell the house or move? Redecorate? This can be inexpensive - colored paint and some curtains works wonders. Make it your space entirely - nobody else's. You didn't mention if you live with your parents or if the house belongs to you. If that is the case - a flat, even a small one, would be essential. You need to move unless you can transform your surroundings. Hard to face your fears when they are made of plaster and wood.

Another idea - I've always liked to "run away" geographically - go on a trip if nothing else. I don't know where you live, but southeast asia and south america are very inexpensive to travel to. Or just go on a road trip?

I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation.

(((hugs)))

I agree with everyone, changing your environment seems like the best choice, and if not possible, create a space either inside the house or nearby (even a park in a city, anything) that you can retreat to and call your sanctuary. nothing can hurt you there and you can go and feel safe when threatened at home.

Also, I know what you mean about bombardment of triggers.... some days I don't even want to leave the house for fear of a cross cashier or someone flipping me the bird in the sidewalk....

But we get through it! **gentle hugs** and many good thoughts your way!

Thank you for the support everyone! Unfortunately, I can't move right now. I was living in S.Korea for 3 years after graduating from college and have only been back Stateside since March and am planning to move to Dallas in January. While here, I have been living with my mom and step-dad ... so can't change the way the house looks at all .

I have created a small section in my room for my IC stuff which has become a kind of safe place. Sometimes it annoys me that I am an adult and have to retreat to a corner of my room to keep my mind from going crazy though. I keep trying to remember that I only have a little longer before I don't have to be here any more.

My T knows that I live in the house where everything happens. She hates that I live here and always says she wishes she could take me out. We're talking a little more about the triggers tomorrow. She has been pushing me a lot to kind of become my own counselor because she knows I'm returning overseas next summer. Part of that is she wants me to quit dissociating so much because she has taught me how to control it so I don't have to go there if I will be willing to fight it. Sometimes though, I don't want to fight it. I call it the "nowhere" because I don't have to think or see things there. Sometimes when I'm triggered I like the nowhere but she says that she wants to work with me tomorrow on creating a mental safe place to go to instead. She said that there I will be able to still process and talk ... I trust her ... but I'm terrified to lose the nowhere...

I've never NOT wanted to go see T so much!

Well, that's good news at least, that you will be moving to Dallas in Jan. Does that mean you will stay with your T after that?
That's a good name, the 'nowhere' but you need to lose it because it's not really a safe place, it just seems like it is.
Your T, she sounds like a good one, and she's teaching you good strategies too.
Anyway, *hugs* stay safe.

I know how you feel... After I was abused, I would have to see my abuser on a weekly basis, and it was horrible... It was triggering. He would constantly touch me inappropriately and corner me, feeling me... I... Hmm... But I would be constantly reminded of it, I couldn't stand it. I was falling apart. I would walk past the place where it happened everyday... So I moved 3 states away. Best thing I've ever done I'm never going back. So I know how it feels, always being reminded... It's not good for you.

I'm here for you, I've never met you before rentanaardvark, but know that you can PM me anytime you need to talk...

((giant hugs))

The good news is the safe place in your mind will feel so much better than the nowhere. It will be like a warm summer day to a frigid winter night. let go of your fear and all will be well.