no point

Had a couple of drinks, fantasizing about skipping therapyu to have a couple more, meeting some rando at a bar and having sex. Sure my fiance won't mind.

That's it

tea...how are you dear?

Tea,

are you ok?

Potential trigger**
R
Ironically, therapy was actually pretty ok after the first uncomfortable 10 minutes talking to my T about how he triggered my abandonment issues by not having a session on Monday.

Then I got home. And as my T told me, I talked to my SO about how I feel like he doesn't love me when he does things he knows upset me (in this instance, trimming our cat's nails on the kitchen counter). Initially he seemed to be supportive and was like, I didn't know you felt that way, I am sorry, thanks for telling me. But THEN he said, "it's a chick thing, I get it."

I flew off the deep end. The next 30 minutes was a whirlwind of my accusing him of being a narcissist, a piece of sh*t, anything else I could think of. A lot of calling him a narcissist though. I still think maybe he is, he sat there while I was alternating between crying and rage and barely batted an eyelash, and I was writing down some of my thoughts and he made fun of the way I held my pen! Making me even more angry. I started reading him a list of traits of a narcissist from the Internet. Lack of empathy.

I told him I was physically sick at the sight of him, wanted to stab him, and he left the room. Which made me even more upset. He is acting like nothing is happening, while my chest is laid open with my heart beating for all to see. I told him I wanted him to move out. He is still fairly calm, says he just wanted a nice night, to spend time with me. Well HE ruined it when I tried to share something with him and he crapped on it.

I then started with suicidal talk, which I know was manipulative and I was trying to get him to care. I scratched my arms in front of him. He didn't take the bait. I was desperate and switched to being really sad instead of angry, which he deals with better, and we laid in bed and I cried and I told him that I had these bad thoughts but wouldn't act on them. And he said he thought things had gotten a lot worse for me recently and did I think maybe I needed to go back on anti-ds I don't think I do because anti-ds are supposed to be only for like moderate to severed MDD and mine is mild because I function okay, go to work and can socialize sometimes, etc, I pay my bills. Of course I was not functioning too well tonight. But I am calm now.

I guess it is progress that I realize this is all very disordered on my part. Maybe on his too, I'm still mixed up about that. I told him I don't really think he is a narcissist. I don't know what to believe.

your story is a heartbreaking

i'm sorry to hear that he doesn't care.i know it feels like we're alone in this world when the closest person to us just seems to be ignorance, but maybe he isn't trying to be ignorance. because he eventually hug you and try to make you feel better wasn't he?
maybe he also had a bad day? had you ask how is he doing?

hugs for you

I may be wrong and this may sound hard to believe… but I think he demonstrates how much he loves you BY staying calm through all that. If it's not coming from a place of narcissism/indifference (and it most likely isn't) then it's coming from a place of extreme devotion.

I think I would have also been triggered (or at least pissed) by the "it's a chick thing" comment and by the apparent indifference… but I tend to think he resorted to the "it's a chick thing" line because he was trying to lighten the mood and/or because he couldn't think of anything else to say.

I know it feels like he just "doesn't get it" and it's quite possible that he indeed doesn't quite get it… but the only solution to that kind of thing is to wait until you calm down, try to explain to yourself in words what it was you were feeling and want him to know about… and only then go back and try to explain it as best you can (while trying the best you can to stay calm). It's probably the only way any of it will get through to him.

distortedgirl wrote:Tea,

are you ok?

I am better now, distortedgirl, thanks for asking. That post was a childish tantrum. On my list of things to work on. But I appreciate your message, so thanks again.

yoa wrote:your story is a heartbreaking

i'm sorry to hear that he doesn't care.i know it feels like we're alone in this world when the closest person to us just seems to be ignorance, but maybe he isn't trying to be ignorance. because he eventually hug you and try to make you feel better wasn't he?
maybe he also had a bad day? had you ask how is he doing?

hugs for you

Thanks for checking in again, yoa. And I think you might be right, now that I have a clearer head. I didn't ask how he was doing because I was so wrapped up in myself, as usual. I look back and I'm angry with myself for behaving that way. I am trying to be understanding of myself, but it's hard. Hugs back.

ShakyCore wrote:I may be wrong and this may sound hard to believe… but I think he demonstrates how much he loves you BY staying calm through all that. If it's not coming from a place of narcissism/indifference (and it most likely isn't) then it's coming from a place of extreme devotion.

I think I would have also been triggered (or at least pissed) by the "it's a chick thing" comment and by the apparent indifference… but I tend to think he resorted to the "it's a chick thing" line because he was trying to lighten the mood and/or because he couldn't think of anything else to say.

I know it feels like he just "doesn't get it" and it's quite possible that he indeed doesn't quite get it… but the only solution to that kind of thing is to wait until you calm down, try to explain to yourself in words what it was you were feeling and want him to know about… and only then go back and try to explain it as best you can (while trying the best you can to stay calm). It's probably the only way any of it will get through to him.

ShakyCore,

I am willing to consider that you and yoa might be right, that he does care. That is what this all boils down to, I guess, my belief that when my SO does things that hurt me, it means he doesn't love me. And that is so triggering to me. He actually said that he said "it's a chick thing" because he was trying to make me feel better, like he didn't want me to think there was anything wrong with myself. But the fact is, there IS something wrong, and him pushing me to deny it feels like an invalidation of my feelings. I will think on this more. Thank you for your response. And your avatar is so awesome.

Glad to see you've got your rational hat on again

Tbh, your post could have been written by me, so I really wanted to answer, but I had to step back and take a breather. I'm glad there are others who can give you the answers you need, cos I sure as hell couldn't, cos it was really triggering. Not hijacking this thread to make it about me, but just to let you know that I know exactly how you feel, and don't beat yourself up for reacting the way you did. We all have moments where we become a whirlwind of rage over something that may seem small, but isn't to us.

moomin wrote:Glad to see you've got your rational hat on again

Tbh, your post could have been written by me, so I really wanted to answer, but I had to step back and take a breather. I'm glad there are others who can give you the answers you need, cos I sure as hell couldn't, cos it was really triggering. Not hijacking this thread to make it about me, but just to let you know that I know exactly how you feel, and don't beat yourself up for reacting the way you did. We all have moments where we become a whirlwind of rage over something that may seem small, but isn't to us.

My rational hat needs a chin tie so that it can never fall off again!!!
I'm sorry that it triggered you... and I understand compeltely. But thanks for your response and sharing your experience--it is very helpful to know that I am not alone in feeling and reacting this way...makes me feel more human. Take care.

Tea, I have been offline for a couple of days, but I've been thinking about you and hoping that your therapy session went well yesterday.

All the best, Mooshoo