longest bad time?

hi, i'm new here, i just joined earlier today. i'm naomi, i'm 20 nearly 21, i'm female.
i was diagnosed with BPD when i was 13. i had numerous suicide attempts, had CBT and eventually left therapy because it wasn't working when i was 15. i didn't get any help or see anyone about it after that... i was in an awful relationship when i was 16 for a year, and we split up because he couldn't deal with me.
the past... 3 years have been the worse. i moved out from home, and moved to university in london. i started a relationship with a friend i've known since i was 13. (he didn't know about BPD). i lost my dad (he had manic depression, he killed himself) when i was 17. i am now in my last year of university, graduate in summer, and i'm still with the same boyfriend from nearly 3 years ago. i finally told him about BPD, it was a huge struggle, and thank god, he's understanding and so so supportive.

earlier this year, in april, i was in hospital due to an attempted overdose. for a couple of weeks i had been absolutely terrible, i quit my job, wasn't attending classes/going to uni, completely shutting myself off from everyone, going crazy... i went to the emergency mental health clinic and told them that i was feeling the worst i'd ever felt and if they didn't help me i don't know if i'd be able to keep on going. they sent me home having made me tell them my life story, and well, that night i attempted an overdose (after threatening my boyfriend... :'[) this year has been the worse. i just feel like there is no help for me out there. none of my friends know (they just think i'm weird, i had to hide lots of things from them, they don't understand me at all), some of my friends do know, some of them... well i've lost a lot of friendships this year from being paranoid, a bitch, taking 'things way too personal and serious' 'taking offensive' etc etc...

my boyfriend keeps urging me to go to the doctor, but after my experience with them, i feel hopeless. i feel like every day i'm living on the edge and it gets worse and worse. today, for example, me and my boyfriend had a huge argument because i made out it was the WORST THING EVER that he was 10 minutes late. i genuinely felt like he was such a ######6 asshole and he ruined my day and i ran off from him and came home and refused to speak to him. then i felt bad for the whole evening and now i feel like absolute $#%^ :'(

please tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Naomi...i'm sorry to hear your story
but i can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us
maybe just a small ray of light for many of us...but it exist.
sometimes i feels like we cannot find it or it disappear, but it never really gone.
We know it and we keep on searching for it everytime we feel it's gone.

you're here aren't you...with us.
it means that you're not giving up (and you mustn't!!!)

We're here for you...maybe not 24/7...but we're here

huuuuuuuuuugs