Ex has new girlfriend. Not doing good.

Do ya'll experience this situation where your rational mind says you are totally fine with a situation and then later your emotional mind just absolutely flips out?

I found out last night that my Narcissist ex has a new girlfriend. It was completely unexpected because he's not super attractive and really annoying with his bragging and whining and such, so I figured he would be alone forever. Well not only has he met a girl, but she moved from another state to be with him and they are living together! LIVING TOGETHER!

At first I was like, no biggie, at least I don't have to be afraid of his retribution anymore. He's got something else to occupy his time. And she's not that attractive - granted, I only saw her from the back, but she had really bad hair. I know I'm pretty (yeah, I'm a little vain) so that was satisfying in some respect - he has really downgraded, ya know? I hadn't seen him in a while and he had his hair cut and it looked bad, so i was thinking "ew" and how I was no longer attracted to him.

But know all these obsessive thoughts are coming into play - I didn't see her face, what if she is really pretty? What if she is a really nice person and he will have a great relationship with her and succeed where I failed because I'm so fu(king nutso. Maybe she won't want anything or expect him to give anything or maybe normal people don't want affection and stuff like that. Maybe it really is all my fault that we broke up and it didn't work it. Granted, he has EVERY symptom of cerebral narcissism, but I'm a mess too, and I haven't found anyone to love me yet and I don't know if I ever will. All I have is this f-buddy guy who is hot and everything, but he's not a boyfriend, or boyfriend material even. He's in like a real grown-up relationship (she's 40 - 3 years older than him)

And the worst part is - I thought I was over him. I really really did. And it's taken my like a year to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was so dysfunctional that I gave every piece of myself away until I thought I was nothing without him and wanted to die. And I went crazy and slashed my wrists because of this man. I have children. Children! And this guy almost killed me. It's been so hard to get over. I've been in therapy over a year. For the first six months after the breakup, I though I still loved him, but I slowly started to get myself back. But I get really depresssed.

I'm depressed that I ever allowed myself to get involved with that man - I HATE myself for not getting out of it earlier - there were so many red flags. I HATE myself for not being stable or normal or whatever enough to actually find a man to love me. I HATE myself for falling apart over this again. WHEN will I be free? WHEN? I thought I was over it. I really did. This girl is ugly and stupid for God's sake. Who the heck moves across country and in with someone after just knowing them a few months? Why am I so upset about this?

It's just more of his - "I'm normal, EC is crazy" spiel. I'm sure she's gotten an earful of how I "stalked" him. He's so full of it. This shouldn't be this hard? I'm supposed to be strong! I'm supposed to be over it! Why has this man done this to me? I used to be semi-normal - I little hot-headed, but otherwise strong and capable. He's f-ing ruined me and I'm never going to be free.

I won't say it - I won't say it - I have to live for my babies. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired all the time. I just want to rest for a long time. Is it ever going to get better? EVER?

Yes, it does get better, I promise. It just takes some work and a little time. Miles to go before you sleep, remember? But there is peace at the end of the journey. And your babies, you've got to be there for them, so you keep strong.

And the whole ex thing - it's completely understandable. It's not like you even want him back, but it's the whole abandonement issue again - like he left you for someone else, and you feel like you're second best and worthless, when you don't even want the guy, and god help the new girlfriend, she doesn't know what she's in for. Just understand that it is your illness talking, and really you had a lucky escape. Plus, he's had a bad haircut and ew.

Thanks moomin. I never thought about it that way. It is the abandonment thing. I want to be the one to walk away - I guess that would be winning. If I have a happier life then I am abandoning him - he's sitting at home miserable.

Thanks for affirming that I don't want him back. I would really be kicking myself then. I really don't want him. He's such a loser. I just feel so inadequate for some reason. Like he's capable of an adult, healthy relationship, and I'm not.

It's an illusion though - that poor girl. She's in for the ride of her life.

Yeah, but he's NOT capable of a healthy, adult relationship. You were THERE, remember? Instead of thinking of her as a new gf, think of her as his new victim. Be sorry for her.
And just because you're not in a relationship, also doesn't mean you're inadequate, just as much as him being with a new gf doesn't mean that he's adequate. You can't think like that. You just have to focus on getting better, and learning how to deal with stuff that's important. The right guy will come along, and it won't be some a-hole gaslighting making you doubt your own mind.

It's not like you even want him back, but it's the whole abandonement issue again - like he left you for someone else, and you feel like you're second best and worthless, when you don't even want the guy, and god help the new girlfriend, she doesn't know what she's in for. Just understand that it is your illness talking, and really you had a lucky escape.

great advise!!
may i copy it for myself moomin?

yoa wrote:great advise!!
may i copy it for myself moomin?

Hi Yoa, nice to meet you. Feel free to copy all you want

Is it ever going to get better? EVER?

It will. It'd BETTER get better! I stuck around for Act II, so it better be worth my while.

moomin's responses to your post were awesome so I am just going to second them!
Hope you are doing well today.

Thank you so much for all the support. I'm waiting to see my therapist, so I'll get it figured out. Plus, I had a lovely uh session with my male friend this morning, who was quite sweet. He knows I'm going through a tough time and was trying to help I think.

Just for all of is - it WILL get better. I believe it. I think we just need to talk ourselves out of these downward spirals sometimes. At least that's what I need - I don't know if it works for anyone else.

Positive self-affirmation:
I am strong
I am a fighter
I am creative and intelligent
I am like noone else and my uniqueness is fascinating and lovely
I have been through hell and come out the other side victorious.
I am beautiful inside and out.
I know how to take care of myself.
I have tools to deal with my pain.
I am a survivor!

I agree with Moomin. This has absolutely nothing to do with the guy or with the girl for that matter. This is all about abandonment; I would hope that knowledge would be somewhat empowering to you. I love the way you talk about the way they look, it's hilarious, sounds exactly like me.
You're going to be okay, just stay focused on the fact that what is being triggered in you has absolutely nothing to do with either one of these people.

Thank you all for being so supportive. It's difficult when you don't even understand your own emotions. My therapist affirmed what many of you said - it's not about him. I'm not struggling to get over "him." I'm struggling to get over past emotions that were stirred up by this particular type of relationship. My mother was abusive growing up and my therapist pointed out that i would take just about anything in order for her to love me (not like I really had a choice to leave - you don't when you're a child). I choose men that treat me like my mother did, because I think I'm "bad" and deserve to be punished.

So - my being upset about my ex's new girlfriend does not necessarily mean I want him back (thank god - I was afraid there was some subconscious love lingering or something), it's like being abandoned, like many of you said. The analogy she used was how would I feel if my mother abandoned me and then took in another child and treated her really well? I feel like I didn't deserve to be treated well and am angry that someone else is (at least outwardly) deserves it.

I feel better about it, so that's good. He's quite a comical figure in my eyes. My therapist said to focus on the caricature I have in my mind. I don't WANT this man - I don't respect him, I don't find him attractive, I don't even LIKE him. So none of this is about him. It's about the issues that I have that were brought to the surface by that relationship - issues that have been around since childhood.

I was adopted at age 2, meaning I never fully "attached" to a parent, and if I did, then that parent-figure (foster mother, whatever) was taken away from me quite abruptly.

It's nice to know it's not about him. I despise myself for ever getting involved with that man. I need to forgive myself for it and forget that he exists, really.