How to respond without it being held against me?

Hi everyone! I have a question about my friend and need some input, please. We're both females, I've known her since childhood. We live far away from one another and so I only see her a few times every two or three months or so.

My friend called me up and yelled at me for not responding to her text messages. I had no idea what was going on- just picked up the phone and she started yelling at me. (I wasn’t feeling well the whole week, so I wasn’t responding to any messages!)

She was also mad not only because I didn’t respond, but also because I didn’t respond the “right way” to her messages. (She was expecting a reaction to one of her texts and I didn’t give one.) We also had plans to hang out the week before and I had to cancel. She didn’t say anything at the time, but I’m assuming this just built up her anger as well.

She sent a text about having a "rough week." Apparently that meant I should have called her, but since I didn’t she also yelled at me about it. (I’m not a mind reader!)

Then she started crying about her family and how her Dad is sick, how she’s busy, etc.

I tried to stay calm and ask her what she wanted me to do and she said she wants me to call her, even if it's just to leave a message. She said she’s worried about me when I don’t contact her or respond.

When I asked more questions, like if there was anything else going on with her, she snapped at me, “What’s that supposed to mean?” I calmly said it’s just a question.

She then said quietly, “Are we going to be okay?”
......

Didn't hear from her for 2 weeks, then Monday she calls me and acts like nothing ever happened! I tried to dicuss what happened (again, I wasn't feeling well at the time and didn't say what I wanted to), but she didn't even seem to acknowledge anything really. She just kind of brushed it off.


I feel like I'm going crazy! She yells/rages at me, but to everyone else she is this sweet little thing... They look at me like I'm the one with problems, granted I'm not perfect, but c'mon!

What is going on? How do I respond to something like this? (Without her using my words against me at another time?)

Oh my gosh, I can't believe you posted about me on here, fleur! WE ARE DONE! I hate you. Until next week.

Ok, sorry, that was some BPD humor. Those things you posted about your friend just sound like things i might do in my lesser moments. So, i am guessing you expect she is borderline? Does she have a history of mental health issues. Have you ever discussed this topic with her before? I thin I need a little more info before I weigh in here. I don't know what kind of intimacy level you two have or if there have been any prior discussions of MH issues (even depression or the like).

Sounds like she probably needs some support, but she may need more than you can give her.

Edit: to the crux of your question--as yoa intimated below, there may be no way to respond without it being held against you, assuming she is a pwBPD but lacks awareness of same.

it won't be easy to argue with BPD person (if she's BPD) because everything you say will not get through her brain, especially if she doesn't aware that she's the one who has problem and she doesn't want to cooperate or except your point of view.
It will be easier if she's aware about her behavior, but in your case she's apparently not.

Have you tried to discuss it to her?
Who knows, she might need help more than friends.

Hi, Tea. You scared me there for a second with your first sentence/bpd humour, lol. I suspect she has bpd, along with some hpd/npd mixed in there, but of course I am not qualified to dx her. She herself has stated she thinks she has bpd, though she has not had an official dx. (To my knowledge.) She had a rough childhood- her dad would hit her/yell at her and her mom would yell at her. Given that, she has accomplished a lot and is successful. Though I think the fact that she is in the social work field is difficult for her. (She can't seem to separate work from her personal life and that stress builds and she explodes.)


Yoa- I don't want to argue with her, I just didn't know how to handle the situation because I was caught off guard. I stayed calm, but didn't know if I should have had her call me back when she calmed down or what words I should have said or used in the situation.

She has admitted she does have a temper, though I don't know if she is fully aware of how she acts. (In situations, she's almost always the 'victim' so that justifies her actions.)

i don't mean to be rude or cynical, but i myself always feel like i'm the victim, however that doesn't mean i'm justified for my action in making someone else feeling uncomfortable.

You suspect she has BPD, but does she also suspect that she has problem more than regular person?
you might want to discuss it with her when she's calm. you're her friend.

just an idea : for a soft start, maybe you can pick some joke from topic "you know you're BPD when..." and show it to her, see how she reacts, it might not always feel the same but it might set her mood in a positive way without feeling being judged (but off course you'll need to change the subject 1st), then you can find a way to discuss it with her.

but it's just an idea. you or everyone else might have a better idea how to bring it up with her.

my underline is, it will never be easy to talk about it if she doesn't aware and doesn't think she needs to find out her exact problem

Like Tea, I actually thought you were talking about me ha! No, not really but it's the sort of stuff I used to do, but these days not so much.
What works for me (and I'm not sure if it will work for others) is people being straight and upfront with me, and setting boundaries.
Because I have a very shaky sense of identity, it sort of bleeds into other people and I treat others like they're extensions of me, so I acted like they ought to know what I was thinking.
So, people around me would tell me in no uncertain terms that I haven't got a glass head, that they cannot read my thoughts, that I was completely out of order for reacting the way I did, that the next time I expect everyone to read from a script, that I make sure I hand it out to them in advance so they can learn it etc etc you get the picture.
Needless to say, I don't have expectations like that anymore, because I realise that people are not mind readers, and that I haven't got a monopoly on feelings.

I talked to my friend last night and everything seemed fine. She was a little quiet, which made me nervous, but everything was fine. She asked what my plans were for the weekend and I said I had a baptism to go to. She made a comment about missing me, but everything was fine.

This morning I received an email from her saying how she makes time for me and how she feels like I'm not there for her, how I don't ask about her Dad (but I do!), and how she wants me in her life again. (I didn't realize I wasn't in it!)

All of these things came out of nowhere. I mean her being quiet tipped me off, but then the email was an explosion of accusations... I am there for her, but it's like what else am I suppose to do?

fleurdelis wrote:I talked to my friend last night and everything seemed fine. She was a little quiet, which made me nervous, but everything was fine. She asked what my plans were for the weekend and I said I had a baptism to go to. She made a comment about missing me, but everything was fine.

This morning I received an email from her saying how she makes time for me and how she feels like I'm not there for her, how I don't ask about her Dad (but I do!), and how she wants me in her life again. (I didn't realize I wasn't in it!)

All of these things came out of nowhere. I mean her being quiet tipped me off, but then the email was an explosion of accusations... I am there for her, but it's like what else am I suppose to do?

They don't come out of nowhere.... to her.

Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6owMR1hSY

She's flipping between the different "faces" of BPD. The video explains it very well.