Villainizing my therapist **TRIGGERING**

So my therapist took off yesterday to spend the day with his two-year-old son. I usually have Monday appointments; T even asked me last week if I felt like I needed/wanted a session, suggesting he'd make it work if so. Well, I wasn't going to be the asshole who kept hinm from his son.

But yesterday, just after 1 p.m. when I should have been in his office, I started with the abandonment issues. He probably was happy that he didn't have to see me yesterday, etc., etc. I couldn't focus on work. I got angry with myself for being so crazy. I sat in my office and pinched my skin with binder clips. Great, even crazier.

I eventually pulled it together and went for walk in the park (behavioral activation!). But then last night, there was the insomnia and the thoughts all came back. And I started hating my therapist in earnest. And here is why.

-He called me difficult (he says he just said that he was having difficulty/self-doubt because I kept questioning therapy, but I KNOW HWAT HE SAID)
-In one session he forgot what I had e-mailed him about to discuss in the session
-I feel like he was mocking me when I told him about the ways in which I self-harm (I generally don't cut because of the scarring but go for methods that leave only temporary tissue damage, e.g., biting, digging objects into my skin without breaking it, hitting)
-He didn't notice that at two consecutive sessions I was slightly intoxicated
-People before me in their sessions come out later (like, well past the 45-miunute mark); I think he give them more time because he likes them better
-I don't think he really wants me to come twice a week, even though he has been letting me

But at the same time I don't want to quit therapy/don't want him to leave me. I want him to rectify/ disprove all of the things on the above list.

I want to send him this villain list and make him answer for it.

Oooooooh boy.

There is a lot I find troubling here. I can relate to the core, though. I have to wonder if this is even a good relationship, because it seems to cause you a lot of turmoil. So I think you should consider that.

Also, I think that you should consider what this relationship means to you and what you think a professional patient/therapist relationship should be. It isn't really his job to make you happy. I don't mean that in a hurtful way, but you're paying him for his time. He isn't a friendship hooker.

I know that I have felt the same way about therapists wanting me to stay, or not caring, or not feeling I'm this or that or what the ###$ ever. So I understand. However, I realized that this a professional relationship and not a friendly companionship.

I think your list of complaints has more to do with you than him.

I understand that this is sensitive for you and I hope you can figure this out. Try to think rationally and realize that you are not a mind reader. You can't possibly know what he is thinking.

I wish you the best and hope you continue to update us. Good luck. (congrats for being active and going for a walk, btw)

Tea, I think that you should sit on all of this for at least a couple of days to get some distance and perspective. Usually things look a bit different with time.

It sounds like you may be projecting, which if he is a good therapist he will work with you to use all of the stuff that you have listed to make some real progress. My therapist was gone for a week, and it brought up a lot of abandonment issues for me. The stuff it was bringing up was so embarrassing, because it was so childlike. However, my therapist knew that her absence would be difficult for me and she encouraged me to share everything that was coming up. I knew that I was projecting, and I also knew that it was a great opportunity to look deeper inside myself at what exactly was being triggered. As painful as it was, my projection onto her and sharing that with her, ended up being a great asset to therapy.

I think that it's good that you posted this on the forum. I hope that the feedback that you get helps you through this process.

He isn't a friendship hooker.

I like the phraseology, as much as it hurt the first time I read it. I do continually lose sight of this. It's interesting; I have been at work for a few hours now and have had my "rational" hat on in that capacity...I am looking back at my post and cringing and realizing that what I posted really is all about me. Which I think goes to moohoo's point about projection. Also, I don't think the relationship with this T is any worse than any other relationship I could have with another T--and in fact, it's probably better. I do vacillate a lot with him, but that's just my way. Thanks for your thoughts.

It sounds like you may be projecting, which if he is a good therapist he will work with you to use all of the stuff that you have listed to make some real progress.

Mooshoo, you think I should tell him all this, specifically? I don't think I could do it in person, but, if I e-mail it (a) I wil fret as I wait to hear back and (b) it goes to him without context and ability to have give and take over it.

But, in any event, I think your point about taking some time and stepping back is probably best. I'm just so reactive. Knee-jerk is my middle name. Sigh. Thanks for your message.

Tea wrote:

He isn't a friendship hooker.

I like the phraseology, as much as it hurt the first time I read it. I do continually lose sight of this. It's interesting; I have been at work for a few hours now and have had my "rational" hat on in that capacity...I am looking back at my post and cringing and realizing that what I posted really is all about me.

You're right, attitude does equal class and I should have my own talk show where I bluntly word helpful comments to down trodden guests. J/k.

I'm glad you came to some sort of understanding with your problem and I hope you can't work it out. Maybe you would feel more comfortable if you told him the bare minimum in person or if you send the email the day before you go in and explain that you do not want to talk about it until you see him. That might cut down on the anxiety since you have mandated a time that he will get back to you. I hope this works out.

Difficult?

Wow I don't blame you for being pissed off.


I couldn't have male therapist. I don't like men.

Have you ever had a woman one?

I think it's easier. But to each their own.

Yeah, the difficult comment we discussed, though he didn't exactly apologize. He just said that he was having some anxiety about the way I was reacting to therapy and he found it difficult to handle. He DID say, even if he doesn't recall, the following statement: "You're difficult." I had forgiven him but then I guess I decided I didn't want to forgive him anymore. I do that sometimes.

I used to have women exclusively (I was molested by my father and didn't trust men) but decided to change it up after bombing out with the last few female therapists. I don't know that his gender is an issue. Maybe it is.

crimsonandclover wrote:Difficult?

Wow I don't blame you for being pissed off.


I couldn't have male therapist. I don't like men.

Have you ever had a woman one?

I think it's easier. But to each their own.

crimsonandclover wrote:I couldn't have male therapist. I don't like men.

I don't like you...

Tea, I think that this will be a good test of the relationship with your therapist, because if you are a good match, you should be able to convey important feelings to him and he will be there for you to help you work through it. I had the conversation with my therapist in person. It was embarrassing and difficult to admit my feelings and the projecting that was doing, however, I knew that I had the safety to talk about that with her, as that is really an important part of our work together. Isn't a lot of the projection coming from the space of the wounded child, and isn't therapy about healing that child?

Would it be helpful to email your therapist and give him a heads up that in your next session with him you want to talk about some things in your counseling relationship that have been triggering in you? Once again, I think that space and time are important, so that you can get clear about what is coming up and be able to express yourself in a way that you will be heard.

I'm here for you.

Apocallcaps wrote:

crimsonandclover wrote:I couldn't have male therapist. I don't like men.

I don't like you...

I know, thats fine. I don't like you either

-- Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:54 pm --

Tea wrote:Yeah, the difficult comment we discussed, though he didn't exactly apologize. He just said that he was having some anxiety about the way I was reacting to therapy and he found it difficult to handle. He DID say, even if he doesn't recall, the following statement: "You're difficult." I had forgiven him but then I guess I decided I didn't want to forgive him anymore. I do that sometimes.

I used to have women exclusively (I was molested by my father and didn't trust men) but decided to change it up after bombing out with the last few female therapists. I don't know that his gender is an issue. Maybe it is.

crimsonandclover wrote:Difficult?

Wow I don't blame you for being pissed off.


I couldn't have male therapist. I don't like men.

Have you ever had a woman one?

I think it's easier. But to each their own.

Hmm well good luck