Conclusions

I remember a time when I wasn't so confused. Things were just the way they were. I was content in just playing video games 90% of the time. Sure, I may have wrapped myself up in some virtual world for whatever reason, but I was happy.

I am not happy anymore. I don't get feelings of happiness the way I used to. I used to be driven by a want or a desire for something. Now it's just the anxiety that drives me. I have to make it go away.

My main source of anxiety is women. It wasn't always that way. I was just too afraid to really talk to them or try to get to know them. I had a lot of things I was dealing with that were far more important than women. Once the traumatic experiences I had faced began to fade into history, I picked up much more of an interest.

I dated one girl for a fairly short time when I was 14 and again when I was 15. I was very *prude*. I had low self-worth back then as well, but it was just because I was afraid of being *bad* at everything. I was never assertive and it was always *them* that had to make a move.

Once I turned 17 or so, I was very interested in women. At this age, I was surrounded by attractive women that seemed to have an interest in me. I was very flirty and fun to be around(I think xD). I ended up with the very last person I'd ever imagine to have, as my girlfriend. She was the assertive one at the start.

I knew she wanted to have sex with me, but I was very worried about EVERYTHING to do with it. Two weeks into our little relationship, she tried to have sex with me, but it didn't work out. I was a virgin with someone who wasn't. There wasn't any real connection between us and it was all about her wanting to have sex with me.

We tried for a month or so. I wasn't initiating anything during all of that. I had my ideas on what might work, but I never said anything. I mean, we barely knew each other. After a month, she stopped initiating. I was okay with that. Then she cheated on me, which I don't really blame her for. Yeah, she could have talked about things, but what's done is done. This is where the switch flipped.

I decided that I didn't really care anymore. It worked. We had a fun 6 months after that, but it wasn't quite right. I was never really that attracted to her. My other personality traits didn't help matters, but those are really on the back-burner when it comes down to it.

After we broke up, I got into partying. I found myself with several women, but I was always really drunk. I was never able to perform, but it wasn't quite like with my ex. I didn't care about these girls and there was no anxiety like there had been with her. I am going to chalk it up to the alcohol having an effect.

During sober times, I basically ran away from women. This is probably where I began to lose myself. Things weren't fun anymore. It was eating at me that I wasn't being assertive or going after the girls that showed interest. I didn't want the embarrassment.

I've learned many things after I finally sat down and had a long talk with myself. I'm no longer self-conscious about my looks, body, or *size*. I'm pretty well-off in all three areas. I actually laugh about how I used to care about all of that. I dissected each thought and each insecurity until I just couldn't do it anymore. Magically, they just went away. I mean, I finally understood that women were attracted to me because they DIDN'T think I was ugly or anything. Common sense, right?

Now, my problem isn't so much that I avoid women or sex. I'm filled with anxiety over my other issues. My low self-worth has lead me to nothing. I have nothing of worth to give to anyone right now. I can't talk about a *good* job, my education, my hobbies, my skills, or any material things. I don't have anything.

The reason why women are my biggest issue is because that's all I really think about. It's the only thing that I feel anymore. The only feelings of happiness I get, is when I'm around them. I'm using it as a focal point to bring myself back into my old life... Back when I had interests in other things. I need so much to get lucky and have some girl take interest in me again. I want one to hound me until I just can't keep them away. I would like that RIGHT now, but I'm guessing I have to take the long road to recovery.

I just know how my confidence in other things is directly affected by the acceptance of women. I know it's more of a parasitic thing, but I really can't let that bother me right now. I still worry about far too much.

If I have a girlfriend, I'm very normal from the outside. I want things, hell, I want everything. Most of the problems I had back then, no longer exist. I feel like I can be that person within a relationship and outside of it now. I just feel like I should have felt like this back when I was 16. Now I have to play catch-up so I can feel normal again from the outside. Women aren't that interested in guys who have gone nowhere in life.

I wish I could put myself in a relationship right now, but I know I would just be evil. I would feel even more of a need to bring people down than I already do now. I don't want to go out and hurt people. I do it enough without even thinking about it.

As bad as things still are, they are a lot better than they were. I'm going to make twice as much money, I'm going to have a car, and I already have new things. I don't want them just yet, but the want for other things seems to be increasing.

Well, first of all, be grateful that you didn't have sex back when you were 14. It seems that sex at that age has become so common nowadays that people are starting to forget what statutory rape laws were invented for. Counter to what people seem to think, it doesn't matter if you're male or female, if you have sex with someone of your age group or not or whether or not you enjoyed it at the time – sex at that age is highly psychologically damaging in the long run.
The other thing you should be grateful for is that you didn't have sex with that girl when you were 17 either because you personally were clearly not ready for it yet. It's a shame she couldn't understand that and insisted on putting that kind of pressure on you. Incidentally, no matter what the "reason" was, she had NO right what so ever to cheat on you.

Anyhow, I can relate very much to what you wrote at the start of your post about going from a state of videogame filled comfort to a much more depressing, confusing state out here in the real world. I also used to live in a videogame/book/movie euphoria where I had many "interests" but still stayed away from anything in the real world. As soon as I started emerging from my little bubble the world suddenly became a LOT more depressing and confusing… but ya know what? You learn to deal with it and find happiness in it as well… what you're going through right now is just a phase in recovery. I sure as hell wish I hadn't wasted so many years in my own comfort zone…

And anyway… you don't need superficial things in order to get women (or at least not women who are worth getting), what you do need is to be emotionally ready to be with one. If you have any option of therapy I would suggest you try talking to one about it (o'course I always recommend therapy to everyone about everything ) or that you at least start doing some self-help research about it. It will be a gradual thing but you'll get there.

P.S. there is no reason to assume you'll be "evil" in a relationship until you've been in one for a significant amount of time.

Nate-

You want a woman, you don't want a woman. You are insecure, now you're not insecure.

I know how you feel about being able to bring something to the table in a relationship, but what EXACTLY ARE you wanting?

I mean, it sounds like you need to get yourself straight first.

Are you possibly entering a period of dysthmia? It sounds like the dysthmia talking, and you may need a med adjustment, so that you might be able to get a clearer hold on things?

I don't think this is all about women. I think that is simply your focus right now, because you don't want to focus on you.

I hope I haven't made you mad, but I feel that post was a jumble of contradiction, with no clear point.

Sorry, hun.

AMP

I want a woman because it would fix certain things about my life. I don't want a woman because I would treat her badly if I thought badly of myself. I want to do things for myself instead of other people. If I do things FOR some woman, I will resent them.

I need to get straight first. I need to fix my life. I need to be where everyone else is. I don't need massive amounts of money to be happy, but some of it would help.

I don't take any meds. I take drugs and alcohol to deal with things. It's the only way I can get out of the way I think 90% of the time.

It's not all about women, but I WANT acceptance from them. I know how I feel. I want acceptance from women. Once I get that, I'm pretty okay. If I can be who I was brought up to be, I'll be more okay than I've ever been.

I was angry earlier, but I'm not angry now. I've been drinking. Chalk this up to another drunk post if you will, but this seems to be an adequate response to your opinion.

I think you're on the right track and it's very brave to want to fix yourself so that, as MissAli said, you have something to bring to the relationship table.

Now about this fixing part.... what qualities are important to you in women? It's cool to start there because then you can cultivate those qualities yourself. Like attracts like. I just reread your previous post, can you accept the women you choose for yourself? Are you over or underreaching your goals there?

Today is just a bad day to post, lol. I've been typing for an hour and still can't say anything. Simple... Stop over-thinking. ANYWAY, here goes.

kirayng wrote:Now about this fixing part.... what qualities are important to you in women? It's cool to start there because then you can cultivate those qualities yourself.

I've been doing that for four months, actively. I'm not gonna sit here and explain what qualities I'm working on. Let's just say I'm an introvert and everyone I like to chill with, are extraverts. It's rubbing off on me and as long as I can hack it, I can continue to grow in that direction.

kirayng wrote:can you accept the women you choose for yourself?

Hard to answer right now. Looking at 2-3 months ago, hell no. I've been through a lot in that time. I'm a lot better about it now. I won't go into detail about how I know this(unless u want 3 pages of posts), but a few very key things have really shown that I am learning to accept things more.

As for specific goals. It's a love and hate thing. I still pick women with a ton of insecurities. It's a defense mechanism of mine. If I know what bothers you, I can always throw it at you if you try to mess with me. I subconsciously look for women like that. I'm easily hurt, so you better be too. That's a really big fear of mine. If I avoid my issues by throwing their own at them, I'm not working on them. I'm not trying to avoid things now.

I'm going to continue to be confused, but I have to be okay with that. I don't have the correct tools to deal with everything. It's like I'm trying to unscrew something with a butter knife. It might work, but it takes a lot longer than it would a power drill. I'm just doing whatever I can. Whatever seems to be working.

In the end, I'm still... SO much better than I used to be. It's crazy how different things are now.

MissAli wrote:Nate-

You want a woman, you don't want a woman. You are insecure, now you're not insecure.

I know how you feel about being able to bring something to the table in a relationship, but what EXACTLY ARE you wanting?

I mean, it sounds like you need to get yourself straight first.

Are you possibly entering a period of dysthmia? It sounds like the dysthmia talking, and you may need a med adjustment, so that you might be able to get a clearer hold on things?

I don't think this is all about women. I think that is simply your focus right now, because you don't want to focus on you.

I hope I haven't made you mad, but I feel that post was a jumble of contradiction, with no clear point.

Sorry, hun.

AMP

I love that post!!


Here's the problem...

My low self-worth has lead me to nothing. I have nothing of worth to give to anyone right now. I can't talk about a *good* job, my education, my hobbies, my skills, or any material things. I don't have anything.

To some degree at least whether you want to admit it or not, or maybe your looking for someone here to say that your right you need a woman because it will fix everything.... Because you have a lot of posts like this...

I want a woman because it would fix certain things about my life.
-- and -- The reason why women are my biggest issue is because that's all I really think about. It's the only thing that I feel anymore. The only feelings of happiness I get, is when I'm around them. I'm using it as a focal point to bring myself back into my old life... Back when I had interests in other things. --and -- If I have a girlfriend, I'm very normal from the outside.

It then becomes confusing with a lot of things like...

I don't want a woman because I would treat her badly if I thought badly of myself. I want to do things for myself instead of other people. If I do things FOR some woman, I will resent them.

I need to get straight first. I need to fix my life. I need to be where everyone else is. I don't need massive amounts of money to be happy, but some of it would help.

Now go back and read the 2nd set of quotes that start out "I want a woman because.."

So the moral of the story is this... Everything about women fixing things or needing a gf needs to be taken out of this story so you can fix the real issues. They are:: You're messed up (me too... trust me ), you have a lot of problems, you have to fix your own problems, find your self worth, interests, happiness etc and then find a healthy woman.

I'm sure I came across as a real A$$hole, but I relate to pretty much all of this and I'm in the same boat with you. I wish I could give you a simple solution as to what works, but I'm still trying to figure that out for myself.... I wish you luck.... cbox

Eh, I put myself in a situation to end that problem. Will I have the balls to do it tomorrow? I don't know. I can do it, but working with the same person after said event, will be rather tiresome. Giving up all the fun things I've been able to do. It makes me think that it will fix things. Maybe someone like her, but ugly. Haha. Well, then I'd be the asshole for looking good and making them want me. I have no idea.

Currently, I'm extremely anxious. Not shaking anymore, but it's still feeling pretty lovely. I just basically told her about me and it didn't go over very well. My best friend is a female FYI. Some people here know that. It's a very bad decision from what it looks like through everyone's eyes but my own. TBH, I don't know how she would handle it. She'd have to find some emotional support somewhere. My name would probably get dragged through the dirt, but believe me, it's been SO MUCH WORSE.

Since fantasizing about a multitude of things runs a large portion of my life if I don't fill my time, I find her somewhere at the top of my list. The feeling I get *knowing* that if we were together, I'd be okay. The reality is that she's fked up too. It wouldn't work. There's the back and forth, back and forth. Some days I feel like I could find a girl, and others, I couldn't. I'll just see something wrong with them and brood on it. Then again, I'll be absorbed in all that I love about them. This would lead to my rather fun *rages* and it would end very badly. I'm doing it now.

I have BEEN doing fairly well considering I fell out of the infatuation stage and the pure resentment stage. I kind of met a middle ground at some point. I was talking to other girls and I managed to swipe two phone numbers. I didn't call them back. Go figure. I even had one FIND my number and text me. I mean COME ON. I've only got eyes for her and it's a problem.

She has eyes for.... everyone except me. Great, but you are getting all of your support from me. It's not like she's out of my league. I'm considered fairly good looking and she's not too bad herself xD. Then she gets with a bunch of jerk-offs(some I know), and they aren't even a prize. I mean, this makes me feel bad for her and bad for myself. Yes, I'm putting some people down to make myself look good, but in reality, a lot of it is true. I've seen texts(I'm that deep in, I guess), and the #######4 I see just makes me want to beat some ass and ream her for it.

The friend-zone. I've let on too much and given too much. What else is there to learn or wonder about me? I'm not trying to get out of it for any sort of romance. Had my chance multiple times, but she wasn't sober. Not cool for me. Been there, done that. Not my thing at all. I want out of it because it's really messing with me.

We work together. She knows a lot about me. Her and her friends control 75% of my social life that I probably wouldn't have AT ALL if it weren't for me meeting her. I wanted to move on from the past. Some things last. For her, everything in the past is in the present.

I exaggerate things. Everything here should be toned down. I'm not giving myself enough credit or I'm giving myself too much.

Does this make a little more sense as to why I'm acting like this? I guess I just don't give myself enough credit and think she's the one that has brought me out of my hole. If I remember correctly, I had left my hole about 3-4 weeks before I really got to know her. Hell, I wasn't even hanging out with her.

I wish I had found so many things out about myself so much earlier. None of this would have happened. I would have known to be more honest with whoever from the get-go or I would have stayed away from it altogether. I wish I had found this place 2 months before I did. I would have been able to either follow through or fall back. Now I'm stuck with ripping things apart and trying to put the pieces back together.... again.

My biggest worry is how she is going to fall apart. She's very not okay. I'm very, very good at surviving these things. My normal lack of emotions keeps me fairly content most of the time. I just need drugs or alcohol for late at night. I've gotten better with that. Anxiety is dissipating, so I'm gonna hit the sack. I hope this makes some sort of sense. I think I need something new... sleep. Stop typing... sleep. lol

No balls. I can't do it

I can't sever the only relationship I have. It may hurt to have it be something I'd rather it not be, but isn't something better than nothing? I can't be with her and I know that. I'd rather be with a complete stranger. I just wish those feelings would go away. I want to find someone else. I want to find someone else like her. Someone who doesn't know me.

I know how I act around new people. If they are attractive and interested, I tend to unload on them. It's too much to handle. People have their own goals and their own problems. I still don't want to hide things though. Maybe I need to figure out how to break things to people. Slowly... Let them know who I am very slowly. That way they don't back off so much. I know this now, but I didn't know it back then.

I don't want to be caught where I am again. It's okay sometimes, but other times, I just want to shoot myself. It's unbearable. I can't sit there and hear, day after day, that I'm her boyfriend. She quickly disposes of that thought, in their mind. She's done this before. She also ends up with every *best friend* she's ever had. I don't know where that puts me. I'm not like every guy she's known. I'm very, very different. That possibility is something that keeps me going, but I suspect she's planting that thought in my head. I don't know. I may be just paranoid.

Hell, I get enough compliments at the bar. I get enough attention. If you think I'm pumping my ego, you'd be wrong. I'm a pretty good looking guy. It doesn't take much to turn heads I guess. I like to dress nice and look good nowadays. It works, but I can't seem to turn my thoughts towards someone new.

My confidence has boomed ever since I went out into public. Once I started taking care of myself, people started noticing me more. I should be jumping on opportunities, but I'm not. I'm far too infatuated with the one person that won't have me. Could have been, should have been, but I'm not. I don't know what that means. I want to move on while still being friends.

I feel okay about finding someone, but it would have to be someone like me. That's kind of hard to find. There aren't many 25 yr old people like me or her. I don't live in the biggest city in the world. My world is fairly small. I know just about everyone. Whatever...

I'm semi-drunk and this probably makes no sense. Well, it might, but I will just be defensive about it in the morning. I'll probably ignore it for days. I don't know. Depends on if I feel especially insightful that day.