Casual sex? Makes you feel better or worse?

I’ve been sort of lonely lately and I have this guy I used to sleep with but I quit because he’s kind of narcissistic (just my type) and acts like he doesn’t care about me in the slightest. He was really rude in the beginning – I don’t know if he thought it was some sort of role-playing game or what. I’m kind of masochistic. The thing is – I just got fed up with it. I want a real relationship (not necessarily with him) with some guy who really gives a crap about me. I miss the sweet sex I had with my ex, although I know now that it was all just a game for him.

The thing is – I’ve kept in touch with this other guy – he texts me a lot, usually late at night (which makes me think he’s got one thing on his mind). We’ve gone out for drinks / food a few times. And every time I talk to him he’s somehow attempting to get me to come over to his house. It’s laughably obvious sometimes. But I’m so lonely lately. Should I go through with it? I could have some sort of friends with benefits situation with this guy – I’ve told him that I broke things off before because I didn’t like the way he treated me – I needed more hugs and kisses and stuff. He’s like (pathetically) “well I didn’t know that’s what you needed.” I almost feel like if he could at least PRETEND he loved me than that would be enough. I’m just not sure he’s capable of it. I haven’t shared $#%^ about my life. He knows about my eldest daughter but not about the other two – and kids make men his age run for the hills (he’s 27, ten years younger than me). He’s pretty selfish and fixated on his career – not easygoing boyfriend material at all.

Is screwing around with this guy going to make me feel better or worse? He’s kind of like a pseudo-boyfriend. Better than being alone. And I can take him to work parties and such. He’s pretty.

I’m just lonely. I need to be a little more proactive about my social life apparently. What do you guys think?

I definitely understand wanting the feeling or even the illusion of closeness with someone, but I think you answered your own question in your post: "I want a real relationship." it doesn't sound like this 27-year-old can give you what you really want. And if you have any sort of abandonment issues (I am guessing you do, with BPD tendencies) it probably will only lead to anguish.

Mostly I am just basing this on my experience. When I have gotten involved casually with someone, I have always gotten super-attached and it has never led anywhere good. The temporary feeling of being wanted and cared for, the temporary feeling of safety, it's just that: temporary. I've always wound up feeling even lonelier in the end.

You are with someone's full attention and devotion. Please take care.

I don't have a whole lot of casual sex experience, but what I have done, I didn't like. As un-guy-ish as it sounds, I like sex for the emotional connection as much as, if not more than, the physical connection.

Unemotional sex just doesn't do it for me. I feel very empty after, almost like I did something wrong. I wouldn't say that I feel used, but there is a let-down feeling I can't compare to anything else.

That said, sometimes feeling bad afterward is better than not feeling anything at all. At least it's something.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:As un-guy-ish as it sounds, I like sex for the emotional connection as much as, if not more than, the physical connection.

Ha ha.

I don't think it's 'un-guy-ish' at all, or at least it shouldn't be. I like it for both equally, but then I see them as part and parcel. I think people in general spend too much time listening to what society and the media tell them they are that they never stop to think how they actually are as individuals. People spend too much time listening to what society and the media tell them other people are without thinking themselves as well.

I don't see the point in casual sex either. Without the emotional connection it's meaningless to me, and I feel unfulfilled. Yes, definitely a let-down; and the lack of investment in each other seems so cheap and easy. To me, you may as well just be masturbating together.

I once read somewhere "Doggie position is the most primal/animalistic form of sex and therefore why men prefer it." That stuck in my craw, as that had always been precisely the reason I least prefer it. I don't think I'm so 'different' either, I just think many men would go along with it for fear of not fitting some bill. Like, "If I don't agree I may not be a real and/or normal man. That's how this is saying other men feel, so that's how I must feel as well." I believe most people don't stop to think much at all.

"Speak for yourself" often comes to mind. Or, "Who says?"

I agree with most of you. It's not fulfilling - but there's a warm body there and you can [i]pretend[i]. I feel like I'm never going to find a man who loves me.

I've been way too isolated lately. I'm taking steps to try and get a social life. Maybe that will help.

expressivecreative
Is screwing around with this guy going to make me feel better or worse? He’s kind of like a pseudo-boyfriend. Better than being alone. And I can take him to work parties and such. He’s pretty.

Do whatever blows your skirt, but I would recommend giving your inner game a tune up, with a person with a mature mind regardless of the psychical chronology be it 27 or 37.
sure it strokes the ego to have pretty boy 10 years younger, and sure it strokes his ego to have a hot experienced woman 10 years older. Just take it for what it is... and look beyond it.

Apocallcaps
I once read somewhere "Doggie position is the most primal/animalistic form of sex and therefore why men prefer it." That stuck in my craw, as that had always been precisely the reason I least prefer it. I don't think I'm so 'different' either, I just think many men would go along with it for fear of not fitting some bill. Like, "If I don't agree I may not be a real and/or normal man. That's how this is saying other men feel, so that's how I must feel as well." I believe most people don't stop to think much at all.

" I believe most people don't stop to think much at all. "

Very good point.

They say people born after 1982 are learning relationship and sex word of mouth, and that word of mouth is based on porn. ha ha this funny and sad.
seriously imagine 60 thousand years ago no video no books we got here somehow they were doers. Inner game big time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV8n_E_6Tpc

Hm. I have a lot of experience in this unfortunately.
It makes me feel better when I have someone. When I get a text saying they miss me or want to come round soon, I feel wanted and needed.
When I end the "relationship", I feel used and abused. Even though it's my fault!
The last guy I was with had a girlfriend. Straight away he told me he was going to end it with her because he wanted to be with me. And so the casual sex began, until he grew some balls and ended things with his girlfriend. I know this is wrong! I was a home-wrecking wh0re.
Anyway, 4 months later he still hadn't dumped his gf. He'd even been on holiday with her, but was ringing me whilst she was sleeping. We'd skype when she was sunbathing. So so so wrong.
I was at a charity event that my father was hosting when he accidentally text me saying "love you babe". The text was meant for his gf. I lost my sh!t. Rang him and told him it was over. I haven't heard anything from him since.
And so the feeling of abandonment begins.
I'm an idiot. But it feels good to be wanted.
My advice would be don't get involved in this, I feel like it's a never-ending circle. Feeling good, then feeling awful. Maybe it's a form of self harm! Maybe I'm just trying to blame my slutty-ness on my illness. I don't know.
Please take care of yourself. Your worth more than casual sex. Unfortunately, I am not.
-Poppyfields

it really depends on what kind of phase im going through.
some times i have this persona where i just don't give a fu*k and will allow myself to be used for whatever. it's temporarily fulfilling.
but i feel dirty.

i just don't believe i'll know when i'm having a genuine connection with someone.

as for your situation... if you think you can just get your rocks off and leave it at that, then do it. but just so long as you know that he is using you (not because i have a tainted view on men, but because of all the obvious points you made about him haha).

I can't have casual sex. As much as I wanted to be a womanizer, I couldn't. I had sex outside of a relationship once, and it really did nothing for me.

It feels so much more satisfying to have an emotional connection. I guess I always saw having casual sex or womanizing kinda like a penis-measurement contest - guys do it so they can brag about their prowess in attracting and getting women into bed. To me, it's the equivalent of something a juvenile, insecure high schooler would do. Frankly, it disgusts me that it's still highly encouraged and reinforced through movies and everything.

I went through a phase (before I lost my virginity) where I tried making out with as many girls as I could, and all it did was leave an empty space, like there was something more that needed to be said or done. The thing that was missing was the relationship... I feel much more secure inside one, and sexual contact outside of one is pointless.

Hucal wrote:The thing that was missing was the relationship... I feel much more secure inside one, and sexual contact outside of one is pointless.

I wish I could be more like you =/ I'm just a wh0re to be honest.
Well done for having such a mature attitude, it's really something to be proud of.