What is acceptance?

I've never had any friends. Never. Never, never. Never anyone to count on or trust. (except one time when I was 23 for about 5 months. That's when I discovered I had bpd, because of it's realtionship ruining qualites.) Now I'm going to be 26 in a couple weeks.

When I think about what it means to be happy, I think friends. Having something to do with someone you like to be around. When I think about the things I wanted out of life, I think friends. I wish I would have made friends in school. I wish I would have played sports. I wish I would have gone to parties. I wish I hadn't spent my 16th, 18th, 21st, and 25th birthdays alone. I wish I would have had fun during the summer while school was out. I wish I could have had careless fun.

Now, I'm not those ages. That time has passed. My time has passed. I tried really hard to have a different summer this year. I tried really hard to not be alone on my birthday this year. The defeat is crushing. My time has passed.

People my age are changing. They are having kids and jobs. They aren't Judd Apatow man/child characters. They are real people. Real people that grow up and change.

The time to do the things I wanted to do is over. Everyone else my age has been there and done that. I can't remember how many times I actually was told something along the lines of, " I would, but I have a kid."

So I give up. I give up on being happy. I give up on life. I give up on all my hopes and dreams. I'm not a child anymore, hoping I can make friends at school this year. (As I hoped every year in school. Now, its embarrasing to do so as an adult alone on New Year's.) I give up.

I'm not happy. I'm miserable, in fact. But I feel better. With no expectations or hopes or dreams, there is no falling short. There's no.....pain. Yes, I am all alone and sad and I'll probably die that way, but now, it doesn't bother me as much. I just accept it as how life is. That's just life. It's not this thing full of happy endings. It's a spectrum. Sometimes everything is just the worse. I feel better just giving up completely. A numbness, really. However, not the great pain that I felt before when I had expectations.

Is just giving up...is that acceptance? Sure, there was another life I should've had, but instead I'm having this one.

What is acceptance?

what you feel now sounds familiar to me...but it didn't stay long enough and didn't work for me in long term

Z1t23ch3 wrote:When I think about what it means to be happy, I think friends.

So I give up. I give on being happy. I give up on life. I give up on all my hopes and dreams. I'm not a child anymore, hoping I can make friends at school this year. (As I hoped every year in school. Now, its embarrasing to do so as an adult alone on New Year's.) I give up.

I'm not happy. I'm miserable, in fact. But I feel better. With no expectations or hopes or dreams, there is no falling short. There's no.....pain.

What is acceptance?

Z1, I'm 37 and all of the people I hold close to my heart I met within the last couple of years. The older I get the more I understand what I can give and what I need in return from my close relationships. I've had to cut out the toxicity because those people were emotionally draining and taking a toll on my psyche. I promise you can find what you're looking for at any age. Please don't feel like it's too late because it's never too late

Everyone should have and deserves happiness in life. Please don't give up, much less give in. If you are searching for someone to share things with the easiest place to look are places where you share the same interest as others.

yoa wrote:what you feel now sounds familiar to me...but it didn't stay long enough and didn't work for me in long term

Work? Work how? (Seriously, I'm not sure what you meant that it didn't work for you. You didn't like the feeling or it didn't stay around long enough for you?) If this "works" for me, it's not because it was my first choice.

Still is this what acceptance is? Putting away those childish dreams and accepting reality for what it is? A cold, empty void with no meaning. Where love and happiness are just ideas that are equal and no better than sadness and hate?

wineaux wrote:

Z1t23ch3 wrote:When I think about what it means to be happy, I think friends. Having something to do with someone you like to be around. When I think about the things I wanted out of life, I think I wish I could have had careless fun.

Now, I'm not those ages. That time has passed. My time has passed. I tried really hard to have a different summer this year. I tried really hard to not be alone on my birthday this year. The defeat is crushing. My time has passed.

People my age are changing. They are having kids and jobs. They aren't Judd Apatow man/child characters. They are real people. Real people that grow up and change.

The time to do the things I wanted to do is over. Everyone else my age has been there and done that. I can't remember how many times I actually was told something along the lines of, " I would, but I have a kid."

So I give up. I give on being happy. I give up on life. I give up on all my hopes and dreams. I'm not a child anymore, hoping I can make friends at school this year. (As I hoped every year in school. Now, its embarrasing to do so as an adult alone on New Year's.) I give up.

I'm not happy. I'm miserable, in fact. But I feel better. With no expectations or hopes or dreams, there is no falling short. There's no.....pain. Yes, I am all alone and sad and I'll probably die that way, but now, it doesn't bother me as much. I just accept it as how life is. That's just life. It's not this thing full of happy endings. It's a spectrum. Sometimes everything is just the worse. I feel better just giving up completely. A numbness, really. However, not the great pain that I felt before when I had expectations.

Is just giving up...is that acceptance? Sure, there was another life I should've had, but instead I'm having this one.

What is acceptance?

All good points, wineaux.

wineaux wrote:

Z1t23ch3 wrote:When I think about what it means to be happy, I think friends.

So I give up. I give on being happy. I give up on life. I give up on all my hopes and dreams. I'm not a child anymore, hoping I can make friends at school this year. (As I hoped every year in school. Now, its embarrasing to do so as an adult alone on New Year's.) I give up.

I'm not happy. I'm miserable, in fact. But I feel better. With no expectations or hopes or dreams, there is no falling short. There's no.....pain.

What is acceptance?

Z1, I'm 37 and all of the people I hold close to my heart I met within the last couple of years. The older I get the more I understand what I can give and what I need in return from my close relationships. I've had to cut out the toxicity because those people were emotionally draining and taking a toll on my psyche. I promise you can find what you're looking for at any age. Please don't feel like it's too late because it's never too late

Everyone should have and deserves happiness in life. Please don't give up, much less give in. If you are searching for someone to share things with the easiest place to look are places where you share the same interest as others.

I just noticed you edited your post.

Did you have no close relationships Richard Prior to the age of 35?

I have little to interest in anything anymore. I don't even mindlessly watch t.v. or play video games. I'm tired of looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooking for where I fit in. For this "special" place that I belong. I'm tired of hearing people say, I don't what I'm doing for lunch, so I can't go with you. I could be doing something sooooo important, that I don't even know what it is. The psychs are wrong. Everyone does hate me. I tried. I REALLY TRIED. I just left a job after four years and after being told by most that they made friends through work, I have left without any.

I don't hate them for not liking me. It's my fault for being me, really.

Gladly, I have given up on life. As the numbness relaxes me, not even the pain kicks in.

Sorry, lost focus.

Seriously, what is acceptance?

That Richard Prior statement is hilarious!

Yeah, I've had close relationships but they've all ended up in betrayal, so I stopped investing in them because the pain wasn't worth it. I've been in outside sales for over a decade and it's jaded me to see how people can really be. I mirror all of my clients and 'friends' in the business. It's all b.s. and I know it. Once I can no longer do something for them by not being in this profession anymore, POOF, they'll all be gone.

My interest in mindless tv and video games has waned as well. I've got interest ADD though so once I get bored with it I move on to something else. My house is full of 'hobbies' I can't seem to let go of.

I have one best friend in my life and a handful of people I can tolerate if my meds are taken at the right time I'm empty when I come home from a day of pretending that everything is sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it takes so much out of me that I spend a couple of days at home hibernating just to recover from the fakeness. Problem is, I love my job so there is the Catch 22.

Are you working again? And seriously, how many people find REAL friends at work? Just taking off what you've been told. The only people I've tried to develop meaningful relationships with are out of my business. Last thing I want to do is chat about work. Away from work. No thanks.

Z1t23ch3 wrote:I've never had any friends. Never. Never, never. Never anyone to count on or trust. (except one time when I was 23 for about 5 months. That's when I discovered I had bpd, because of it's realtionship ruining qualites.)

I met him at work. We never talked about work. I trusted him. He was the only person I ever trusted in my life. To be there, that is. He visited me in the hospital when I hanged myself. It wasn't romantic at all, but...he made me feel safe? It's a different world when you don't feel absolutely alone in it.

Moving on....

Z1t23ch3 wrote:The time to do the things I wanted to do is over. Everyone else my age has been there and done that. I can't remember how many times I actually was told something along the lines of, " I would, but I have a kid."

So I give up. I give up on being happy. I give up on life. I give up on all my hopes and dreams. I'm not a child anymore, hoping I can make friends at school this year. (As I hoped every year in school. Now, its embarrasing to do so as an adult alone on New Year's.) I give up.

I'm not happy. I'm miserable, in fact. But I feel better. With no expectations or hopes or dreams, there is no falling short. There's no.....pain. Yes, I am all alone and sad and I'll probably die that way, but now, it doesn't bother me as much. I just accept it as how life is. That's just life. It's not this thing full of happy endings. It's a spectrum. Sometimes everything is just the worse. I feel better just giving up completely. A numbness, really. However, not the great pain that I felt before when I had expectations.

Is just giving up...is that acceptance? Sure, there was another life I should've had, but instead I'm having this one.

What is acceptance? Is this acceptance? What is your experience?

I think acceptance is accepting something you cannot change. I cannot rule the world, and I accept that. The thing is that you found someone who made you feel safe, so accept and expect you can find it again.

P.S. I think you can and you will.

I know how you feel Z, I really do. I've spent my 16th, 18th, 21st birthdays alone. I know I will spend my 25th alone... I've spent every new years eve alone, every christmas with a family I don't fit into, every birthday since I was 15 with a bottle of wine and a crap movie, thinking "why don't I have friends?".

Hell, at the moment, I have no friends. No-one to say "hey, lets go have a coffee, lets go get a drink". Nothing. Acceptance - I've never experienced that. I have, only for a very short period. But the "friends" I have had in my life, our friendships were very short-lived. I always end up fighting with them, end up feeling left-out and like I don't belong with them. It's horrible.

I find myself wondering how it feels to be accepted. I look at groups of friends walking together, laughing, getting alone, going to a pub on a saturday night and it makes me want to scream at them.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS AND I DON'T.

I have this craving inside that desperately wants to reach out, to have friends, to connect - yet I can't. I wan't to cry, and most of the time I do when I see others with their friends. I wish I had that connection, I wish I fit in with others, society. But I don't. I don't know how it feels to be accepted.

I don't want to accept the fact I have no friends, and probably never will keep friends for long periods of time. I don't want to accept the fact that I will probably spend every new years eve at home, by myself with a bottle of wine and Bridget Jone's Diary to keep me company. I don't want to spend the holidays isolated with a family I don't fit into, and argue with every 5 minutes about 'how my life is going no-where'. But I guess I have to accept the fact that this is my life... That I guess, is acceptance. Accepting I'm alone. What is the point of living when one feels this way, really?