Is clinical depression an alternative diagnosis?

I've already been diagnosed with clinical depression as well as severe anxiety and OCD...but I feel like what I've got is more than that. I'm getting really confused. I know I shouldn't be searching for a label for myself but I know when I got it for my OCD (which I had to drag out of her) it made it so much easier to deal with. I'm not saying that everything that has a label is easier to deal with but yeah...it just gave me a bit of relief to know it had a name.

Anyway...I'm hypersensitive. My feelings can be hurt BADLY at the drop of a hat. If someone is late to a meeting, forgets to ring, doesn't text back straight away, is too busy to meet on such and such day...it's pretty obvious they hate me or I'm a burden. Sometimes I can get into my rational brain and realise this isn't necessarily the case...but that only works for a couple mins. In saying that, though, I am also a visual spatial learner and I've read over and over that they are hypersensitive (not sure in this way) to people and even things...which I am aswell..lights, sounds, whatever.

But then I think that type of sensitivity above would be like splitting wouldn't it? Not in an "I hate YOU" sense but "YOU hate me and now I'm really pissed and going to go cry for hours about it" way. It would still be splitting because I've forgotten all of the good things they do...they just hate me because of that one small thing. I don't really ruin relationships because of this as I don't show them what I'm feeling, I keep it all inside...but I do lose friendships by not trying anymore because I think they don't like me. Oh and I also don't stand up for myself or tell people when I think they're being unfair or they've hurt me because I'm scared they won't like me anymore. I can't say no. I feel like if I tell people how I really feel they will think I'm stupid and never want to talk to me again...or that I'll hurt their feelings and I can't handle thinking that...so I just shut up or go along with what they say/ask (in most cases).

I don't get angry but that's because suddenly my body goes funny. If I have a little bit of anger I will cry, if it gets to the point of me needing to express my anger I kind of zone out..I don't know...it's like I go into a daydream that I can't get out of. I would be quite entertained to just sit there....like a zombie, until some kind of emotion comes back..which is usually crying or I'll pretend it didn't happen in the first place and everything is fine. If on the off chance (which I can probably count on my hands) I do manage to feel angry I'll wreck my things. It could be as small as ripping up pictures or books to a full on room mess up. It's like I see what I'm about to do...don't really want to ruin my things...but it just happens...and then I feel like an idiot afterwards.

I've never tried to commit suicide or self-harm but I remember when I was little I used to scratch myself all up my arms until I bled (weird I know) and when I'm in a dark place I'll often think of HOW I could self-harm or end everything...and even though it's morbid something about it kind of makes me feel better. Kind of like an emotional purge through imagination..I don't know.

I don't drive dangerously or do drugs and alcohol but I will spend money on crap and I will binge eat in bad moments.

I don't know..I realise a lot of this could just be depression but it seems to fit the criteria that I've read (for the most part) so I'm wondering if maybe we don't use BPD here or that clinical depression could be similar or a misdiagnosis...or if maybe I just have clinical depression with BPD traits. I know no one can really help me figure out what's going on with me except a therapist but I was wondering what peoples opinions were anyway.

But then I think that type of sensitivity above would be like splitting wouldn't it? Not in an "I hate YOU" sense but "YOU hate me and now I'm really pissed and going to go cry for hours about it" way. It would still be splitting because I've forgotten all of the good things they do...they just hate me because of that one small thing. I don't really ruin relationships because of this as I don't show them what I'm feeling, I keep it all inside...but I do lose friendships by not trying anymore because I think they don't like me.

You are ruining relationships.... Everything is good with someone, and then their late or don't call, YOU assume that it's because they hate you and now YOUR pissed and going to go cry for hours about it. You've now started to push them away and you stop trying. You've lost a friendship because of your behavior. So you didn't ruin a friendship by blowing up and telling someone their a horrible person and to stay f**k out of your life, but you did ruin a friendship none the less because it's your behavior that caused the friendship to be lost.

What I wrote above is a trait of bpd, but maybe you're just hypersensitive and get pissed off if someone brushes you off. Clinical depression and bpd are different, but may share some characteristics. From your post I don't have an overall opinion one way or the other. I think you were insightful when you wrote that you felt there was something else wrong with you other than the anxiety/depression/ocd. That alone tells me that you have a good sense of yourself, and if you feel that something else is wrong with you it's definetely something you should pursue with your therapist.

OCD, depression, and a lot of other conditions co-exist with BPD. I always think that BPD is the root and the other things are offshoots.

I have difficulty with anger also. I stuff it all away, I'm terrified to express it. I noticed that I start getting tired immediately after the angry feelings come on. It is possible to dissociate from anger. It sounds as though you are doing some dissociating where your anger is concerned.

I think that it is extremely important to get a correct diagnosis. So don't beat yourself for looking for a label. BPD is difficult to diagnosis, and doctor's tend to shy away from diagnosing it. However, I have come to see that this is a real disservice to clients (misdiagnosing them). We deserve to know what we are really dealing with. Knowledge is power. It helps put the pieces of the puzzle together. It helps us to understand ourselves better, and to have some compassion for why we do what we do, and why we feel what we feel.

Keep exploring. You deserve to have an accurate diagnosis.

cboxpalace wrote:

But then I think that type of sensitivity above would be like splitting wouldn't it? Not in an "I hate YOU" sense but "YOU hate me and now I'm really pissed and going to go cry for hours about it" way. It would still be splitting because I've forgotten all of the good things they do...they just hate me because of that one small thing. I don't really ruin relationships because of this as I don't show them what I'm feeling, I keep it all inside...but I do lose friendships by not trying anymore because I think they don't like me.

You are ruining relationships.... Everything is good with someone, and then their late or don't call, YOU assume that it's because they hate you and now YOUR pissed and going to go cry for hours about it. You've now started to push them away and you stop trying. You've lost a friendship because of your behavior. So you didn't ruin a friendship by blowing up and telling someone their a horrible person and to stay f**k out of your life, but you did ruin a friendship none the less because it's your behavior that caused the friendship to be lost.

Agree with that. I used to freak out and get upset thinking people hated me, cause i was used to being hated. usually i tend to hate people... but being in a relationship for me is like letting someone in far enough, and far enough into my trust to agree not to hate them. because i allow myself to be vulnerable enough, i'd get upset if i felt they hated me instead. And would still ruin relationships by thinking people hated me.

I had the exact same diagnosis and recently got rediagnosed with bpd which seems to fit my behaviour more. It is more helpful too as my therapist is no longer addressing my 'sadness' and is now focusing on helping me restructure my personality. you should look for a second or third opinion just to be sure

@Cboxpalace, wow...you are so right! I mean I knew I was pushing them away but when you word it like that it truly shows it for what it is. My friends don't just drift away, I'm ruining my friendships in a passive way. Which means if it's my doing then I can actually do something about it. Thank you for that!

@mooshoo, thank you for the support! After you mentioned feeling tired after the angry feeling has happened I realised I get the same thing. I often have to go to bed, even if I don't sleep, after I've felt anger (or the zombie feeling instead). It's not exactly a tired feeling, it's more a feeling of exhaustion. Like maybe I've been on the go constantly with no breaks or worked with no weekend. I never related it to anger so I will look at that next time it happens. And thank you for mentioning dissociation. I've never really understood what that is so I will look it up and see if it might help make sense of what I feel in those times.

@Katana, are you saying you do something similar to me when you feel someone hates you?

@ajcw, I'm glad you finally got a diagnosis that sits better with you and I'm glad your therapist has changed their way of helping you to suit. I know for me with my ocd it was much more easier once things were switched up. Almost like it's given you tools to deal with things better instead of just talking about the symptoms. I will definitely look for another opinion, especially knowing, now, that someone else has had the same diagnosis