moving backward *very triggering - i'm sorry

I was really depressed last night.
I tried to reach a friend and ask if he loves me and told him that I felt miserable. All he said that I should get some sleep and make peace with myself. He didn’t actually answer yes or no towards my question and I didn’t know how to make peace with myself. I asked him how I could do that, what should I do and he didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to do.

I called my boyfriend to actually beg him to tell me that he loves me and he said "I do love you…just not in a ‘couple’ kinda way…if you understand what I mean”. He’s not actually my boyfriend. We have strange relationship which involved physical and emotional but he never said that he loves me but I always treat him as my boyfriend. I am being used am i?

I don’t understand what people are trying to do, what he is trying to do. What does he want? If he loves me why can’t he be with me? why can't he say he loves me? Why he doesn’t want me but sleep in my bed? Why people keep on saying that they love me, yet they always ended up with everyone else except me? Am I that bad? Am I that unworthy? Well I absolutely am because no one wants to be with me.

No one sent me message before I send them anything in the 1st place. No one asked me where I was if I come home late at night, moreover to search for me. No one worry while they should’ve worried!
What if I got myself an accident? What if I was kidnapped? (Though it’s very unlikely, why would anyone kidnapped me?) What if something bad happened to me and no one knows because no one seems to care how I am doing???

I stayed in café after work one day and restlessly staring at my cell phone as hours passed by. It was late at night and the only message I received was from provider, offering a commercial product. I never come home late and no one cares if I do. I asked my family why they didn’t call me or text me; they said “why we should do that?”

I felt so confused and angry and sad and twisted and devastated and hopeless...
Why the world seems to be upside down for me?

I just want to be needed. I want to be wanted but no one understands and it hurts me a lot. Why can’t they just lie...and I’ll believe them. I surely will!
The pain was going stronger as the night crawled. I cried out loud and screamed in silence and still no one came. The options are to call my boyfriend who will likely to abandon me or call my former boyfriend who will likely to abuse me or call my parents who will be mad at me because I wasn’t turning to the child they expected me to be or call my therapist who will unlikely to pick up the phone!
So I did something stupid out of misery. I cut myself again. Something I haven’t done for the past 2 years.

Now I hate myself of doing it. I hate myself of being me!
I was having progress but now everything seems so unimportant anymore...all the therapy..all the journals....what am i doing...

anyone knows how to delete this post?
i feel really bad for posting it
i'm terrified that i might hurt someone reading it
i don't want to make people in here feel bad as i do

...moderator please...i'm very sorry...so sorry...i'll be more cautious next time

please don't hate me

Yoa, I thought your post was incredibly good, actually. Also, you did put a trigger warning on it. Don't trash this post, it's good...

Is it partly as you mentioned self-harm? Don't worry about it, this is a BPD forum and there are loads of posts with people talking about self-harm or worse. And, many people go into detail while you merely made mention of it.

You expressed yourself beautifully here and I'm sure your post has helped a lot of people feel not as alone. Also, it's clear how important and cathartic it was for you. How you feel comes through so fluidly here and it would be a shame to discard it.

Don't worry about it. People post way more extreme and intense things than this; however, no doubt many would envy how well you were able to express yourself here.

Also, rest assured, people already feel as bad as you do. There's no way possible you're going to make anyone feel any worse by describing your own life and feelings which everyone will simply relate to. If anything, that will have the opposite effect and make people feel better.

Apoc's right; there's no reason to feel sorry for anything you said in your post. Nothing.

We may not have all been through the exact same situation, but we do know how you feel. The best feeling in the world is hearing someone say "I love you", and the worst feeling is not finding anyone who'll say it. I don't doubt for a second that it's a horrible feeling for non's, but given our state of mind, feeling unloved is absolute torture.

Whenever you need to post things like this, do it! It's perfectly okay to do it. If you look around, you'll see more than a few posts from people (myself included) who are just feeling like complete sh*t and need to know that we're not alone, that someone out there cares about us. That's what we're here for; not only to get a boost now and then, but to give one, too.

I promise you, we're here for you.

((big squeezy hugs))

I was feeling terrible last night also and posted about it, and had a smilar reaction, berating myself about it. In my case it was probably justified for me to take it down because no one even responded.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad, but it does help to know others feel similar things...talking about this stuff does help us get better, I think. I hope. Take care.

I'm sorry you were feeling so bad. No doubt so many people can relate. Im glad you expressed yourself and not bottled it up! Not so glad you hurt yourself but we do what we must. You expressed yourself very emotionally and beautifully.
From a male perspective.....I think your male friend is either using you or is just not ready to say *I love you*. That's for you to figure out....but either way it doesn't mean you are not worthy of love. Remember that the behaviours of everyone towards us is shaped by their experiences and their expectations.
* Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.*

Tea wrote:I was feeling terrible last night also and posted about it, and had a smilar reaction, berating myself about it. In my case it was probably justified for me to take it down because no one even responded.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad, but it does help to know others feel similar things...talking about this stuff does help us get better, I think. I hope. Take care.

I'm sorry. I don't usually check online at night (especially later), so I don't always get to be first responder. I really wasn't trying to ignore you, though.

Thanks, Johnny. I am doing better today--maybe moving forward? and I hope you are too.

many thanks for you all!

i still feel a lil bit bad about it, but i'm deeply grateful that i found this forum.
i kinda shock me in good way that strangers can be more compassionate than people i know in my daily life.

i love you guys...and thank you

@tea...i'm sorry i haven't read your post yet but i will
@ all...i agree that we're not just looking for support and also give support...i'll do whatever i can for that