Rage without realising?

Just wondered as my bf has been really quiet today so i figured i must have done something wrong and it turns out that i bit his head off about some trival thing apparently! I dont remember doing this? I remember having a conversation but in my world it was just a normal conversation and i didnt bite his head of or get annoyed? Is it possible that i did and just didnt even realise? Now im scared because if this is the case, how often do i do this and what the f*** must people think of me? Omg do i do this at work to? Ok panicing now. He says i say things in a nasty way often and i dont realise what i am doing??? He wants us to go to councelling so he can learn to understand, which is all very nice but there is no way i am going as i dont understand so how the hell is anyone else going to? Plus i dont want to drag up the past again its too painful. I feel so guilty now that i have made him sad with out even knowing it. And my first thought is to punish myself then everything will feel ok for a while. Still no one knows that i self harm, not my bf not my doc no one. Its really hard to hide but i dont want them to know, its my own little secret that i only share on here with you who can understand me.
My bf says he doesnt want to hug me etc because of the way i treat him? The lack of affection in our realationship is killing me and making me feel so rejected and has done for years. He says how can he show love to someone who doesnt love themself. But i think how can i love myself when i dont know what love is. Catch 22 eh?
I feel like im going back down the downward spiral fast yet again but i dont know if i have enough strenght to climb back up again. Scared :0( confused :0( lonely :0(

Nutter wrote:i bit his head off about some trival thing apparently! I dont remember doing this?

It's quite possible that you expressed this rage while in a dissociated state and if that was the case, yes it would make sense if you didn't remember it. It is a scary possibility that you may be doing this more frequently than you currently realize, but it is a possibility that is important you find out and address if it is the case that you are getting angry and not remembering communicating with people in that way.

Do you have your own personal therapist to help you with these types of issues? It could help... I can hear that you don't want to drag up your past, but it is important that you properly address and resolve your feelings about your past. That will help you to dissociate a little less and hence be more stable generally...

Don't punish yourself Nutter!

I guess if your bf is unaffectionate at times, it might be he feels hurt by his perception of things, or sometimes that he has something on his mind. you can love a person who doesn't love them self, but at times people who don't love themselves can find they don't tend to make it very easy to let anyone else love them either! lol (if you really are doing anything at all that is.)

Yes, i guess what Lipstick said is one possibility, and worth looking at if you dissociate a lot. Maybe if you post online a lot, can help if you check out your own posts on places like here, or FB, in case there is anything you've said or done you didn't realise.

the other is not realising how you come across cause of not understanding your own motives - i used to not do things, which seems like a passive sort of action, and didn't realise I was not doing them out of anger(internally passive-agressive). so when people would try to communicate with me about it(parents), I'd get angry at them, and feel they were acting in a way that was infringing my rights/attacking me in some way, but I was so defensive that even a simple question would make me get nasty. Me, thinking i was just irritated, would think i was just coming across irritable, when i was actually coming over downright scary.

The other possibility is that your boyfriend is misinterpreting - have you sat down and talked about any individual incidents to try to figure things out ?