Insecure Attachment, Object Permanence

I was at a friend's house last night. I became very fond of a cat that was there. At one point, the cat was completely out of sight, and I got a slight feeling of anxiety because the cat wasn't anywhere to be found. It was in the other bedroom. When I saw it again, I felt better.

I realize that this happens to me with almost all relationships... that when they are out of sight, it's difficult for me to realize that they're going to be back. I haven't had a close friend in a long time that I saw on a regular basis. I think the reason is that when they are not with me, I almost forget about them.

Does anyone else experience this?

Have you figured out a way to be more secure with the attachment? Is there anything you think of when you're spending time with them or not with them that will reinforce the attachment so you know when they're away, they'll be back and that they care about you?

I want to built strong attachments with others, especially through the breakup I'm going through right now. It has been about three days since we broke up. I think that strong attachments with other humans will be important in me feeling better, so I don't feel so alone and desperate all the time.

Sorry to hear about the breakup. We're here if you need to chat.

I mostly forget all of the feelings and emotions that go with that person. They're just a person. I can't think of them existing outside of the times when I see them. If I can't see them around me they're just gone.

I talk to my sister on the phone, we only get to see each other every few months, but when she's on the phone talking to me, that's all she is- a person on the other end of the phone line. I know I love my sister, but I feel no connection to her at all unless I can think about some sort of physical reminder- if we talk about her pets, or I can remember going to a specific place with her, or if I have photos or physical reminders I can make some connections- but they're only around as long as the reminder is. I really should have more photos on my walls.

lilyfairy wrote:I mostly forget all of the feelings and emotions that go with that person. They're just a person. I can't think of them existing outside of the times when I see them. If I can't see them around me they're just gone.

I suffer from this sort of "forgetfulness" to a degree - my emotional memory of some experiences is very strong (for these, any form of recall will produce the same emotional response that the actual experience itself produced - I remember it & feel it) and, for others, is non-existent.

Here's the kicker - of all my experiences (people, places, objects, events, etc.), the only ones for which I retain an emotional memory are those associated with negative emotions. I have no emotional memory of positive-feeling experiences.

I cannot remember or "re-feel" any positive emotions.

In time it is possible to completely replace all negative scripting and emotional memory with the positive. Cognitive therapy aims at this goal, in particular. Object Permanence relies on faith, not attachment. One must remember someone with warm feelings (positive memory) then TRUST that feeling belongs with that person/you, rather than the negative feelings that superimpose every relationship.

HTH


PS. Attachment isn't necessarily a good thing to look for in relationships because you would like to be an individual, with another individual, in a relationship--if you're attached, it usually comes across as 'clingy'.... which is just one end of the spectrum. Try to balance somewhere in the middle. A balance of clingy/avoidance.

With my family and friends I tend to just sort of "forget" about them when I am away from them. I kind of drop all emotional attachments to them. And I think I like it that way, because I also experience the other end of the spectrum..
When it comes to people who I idolized, I panic when they aren't around because I think that they dont care about me unless they are around me all the time. If they leave me (to go to class, to go to work... to do whatever) I feel they are leaving because they dont want to be with me or thy dont care about me. This is so uncomfortable.. I cant shake this feeling.. And then I constantly switch back and forth between trying to get in contact with them (email multiple times a day, going to places I think they will be, etc. Both telling them I love them and want to see them, and telling them I hate them because they dont care about me) and then switching to trying to avoid them and withhold my contact from them to show them how I felt...
I know.. so unhealthy...

kirayng wrote:Object Permanence relies on faith, not attachment..

I'm not so sure about that, for me it pretty much does rely on attachment. So in some cases I disagree.

dejamelie wrote:With my family and friends I tend to just sort of "forget" about them when I am away from them. I kind of drop all emotional attachments to them.

I've had that problem a lot too - when people were not there they would cease to exist. why im so crap at keeping in touch with friends and family even tho i like other peoples' company.

I wouldn't have any beliefs about people not being around me or anything, i wasn't even preoccupied with abandonment, but for some reason if there was any percieved abandonment it would just trigger this HORRIBLE feeling - which i later learned was an emotional flashback (not one i'll talk about openly here, but that ended up getting filled in with a full ptsd flashback later on.)

so i became preoccupied with avoiding this feeling happening, cause it was just damn nasty. when it got set off, i'd act like a child... doh! that one got filled in later too! It took me time to get over the fear of experiencing that again, because it wasn't something i was going to forget in a hurry!