I'm feeling *triggered* :(

Okay, so I have this male friend.

Who is gay and very fem ( which is the only reason I'd hang out with him anyway )

But lately I'm starting to feel triggered by him and uncomfortable.

You see I only have female friends pretty much. They are the only ones I feel I can trust and connect with.

I have a few male acquaintance here and there and have had some male friends before but either wanted to sleep with me later or told me they were in love with me.

Everytime this happened and felt SO sick to my stomach and would cut myself for days.

I think this all stems from my father.

Anyway, we have become really close lately but things he has said have bothered me.

1. We came home from a rave one night and he was like you looked so pretty tonight if I ever sleep with a girl I'd want it to be you, would you wanna? *joking*

2. Everytime we go out people think we are a couple. THIS MAKES ME SO MAD AND GROSSED OUT! He just seems to laugh at it.

3. He is like your so nice to me, it makes me wanna sleep with you LOL we should just date!

4. Just the other night we made dinner together and he was like this is why people think we are a couple LOL WTF? Me and my friends make dinner together all the time. It doesn't mean $#%^!

He called me today and I haven't called him back.

I'm afraid I'm gonna paint him black and cuss him out or something.

I really care about him! I don't want to ruin this friendship but is so HARD when I feel triggered like this.

If it was a female friend being this way I wouldn't care at all. Hell I've even slept with one of mine and it made me love her even more.

Also it's not like this with boyfriends. I love my boyfriends to be sexual with me and get as close as possible.

Just the male friends really really trigger me for some reason.

So does anyone have an idea why this might be?

I am I overracting?

What should I do?

Thanks all for the rant <3

I've had this... kind of... More the opposite.
Gay guys can joke all they want with me and I don't care. I even have a "gay boyfriend" and we joke about sleeping together all the time.
What triggers me sometimes is when I have a straight guy friend and he tries to joke about us sleeping together... I freak out... I freak out hard...

What you have to do... as calmly and untriggery as you can, which I know will be a terribly hard thing to do... is try to explain to them that you don't like it when he does that.
You don't have to tell him that it triggers you and that you have BPD. You don't have to tell him that it makes you all... ya know, how we get... you just have to find a way to tell him that YOU DON'T LIKE IT AND IT MAKES YOU REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

If he asks why, and he might, you just have say something like, "I don't know, it just does and I wish you wouldn't do it."
If he does it after that, you need to tell him to stop. You even have the right to yell at him after that because you told him you didn't like it.
You have every right for someone to listen to your feelings and be validated in those feelings. They get a warning, and after that it's fair game to freak out. You're not obligated to like when someone is sexual with you. What's ok with one person is not automatically ok with someone else.

Works for me. <3

Let me know how things go... If you need to talk pm me. I'm here for you, hon.

Thank you so much smiles

The thing is I'm not sure how gay he is. Or I think I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Like I know some other gay guys and they would never sleep with a woman EVER.

He seems like he is open to it and that he might even be able to have a relationship with one.

I don't mean to sound shallow but I don't want to be friends with a guy who is bi sexual:?

I only want to be friends with one that is 100% gay pretty much that will never have a attraction to me.

I can really relate actually. I identify as lesbian, but I dated men most of my life. I have always had a hard time being friends with (straight) guys, because like you, it always seemed like they wanted to get in my pants and that irritated the sh!t out of me.

I met this guy a few years ago who was gay. Or, rather he was in a long-term gay relationship (he had dated women on occasion in the past). He was very fem. Well, in many ways, mostly by the way he talked and the way he acted. So we got closer and closer. I thought he was safe because 1) he knew I was a lesbian, 2) he's gay, or at least identifying as gay at the moment, and 3) he was in a six-year committed relationship to a man.

But no. I was pretty naive. I ignored the signs that he was flirting with me. I would start to get really triggered every time I was around him, and I could never figure out why! He would insist on paying for things... he would open the door for me... and yes, everyone would think we were a couple. Not just that, people would assume he was my husband!! WTF??? It got worse and worse until I finally came out and asked him if he had feelings for me. After much stuttering and stumbling, he said that he found me attractive, or something like that. I can't really remember the details. But things got so bad, since I was trying to ignore everything and being triggered all over the place (and was rationalizing it, because I kept telling myself we were both gay!!), and this person was becoming more and more basically, well, obsessed with me. I couldn't see the writing on the wall. I was letting him spend all this time with me, and flirt with me, and compliment me, and I was under water I was being triggered so much. I finally had to put a stop to it. I told him to stop. It was horribly difficult and painful, because he was like, "stop what?" I basically had to get his partner to do a sort of intervention with me and this person, because I approached his partner about it, and it turned out his partner knew that he had feelings toward me, and was totally jealous of me!

Anyways, sorry I didn't mean to go into that much detail. The point is, you must trust your gut. It sounds like this friend of yours might not be 100% gay. Trust your instincts. He might be attracted to you, and coming onto you. You have every right to feel triggered and overwhelmed because a) you didn't expect it (he is gay, after all!) and b) it sounds like he's not being straightforward and honest with you about his feelings, but rather slipping in clues every now and then. I can see why this is so triggering for you.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you need to confront this guy about his feelings. If he denies having any feelings for you, by using his gay-ness as an excuse (what do you mean I have feelings for you, I'm gay!), or some other reason, then you need to just tell him to stop with the flirting. And then maybe you might need to put up a little distance between you and him. Stop spending as much time with him as you are now. See how he responds to that. You are getting triggered and are having your feelings for a reason. You need to listen to that.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it sounds very hard! Hang in there..

Wow willow thank you!

It's nice to know someone has had similar experience! I'm glad I don't seem like a freak for not really wanting male friends like that.

It seems like alot of woman don't mind but that isn't me.


I'm going to distance myself from him and like you said see how he deals with that. I think your right in that I need to trust my gut on this.

I'm a guy,
I have seen this before, on average it is the woman who's is trying to make the two point conversion to have the dude switch teams ( that's just what I have seen ) So I would have to say these men in your lives are struggling with their true self could be bi. I agree follow your gut, I see text here... I was not there to hear the inflection, it's how people say things that trigger my gut.

Follow your gut

i don't know. if he owns up to flirting, then it's easier to tell him that's not what you're interested in and ask him to stop. if he doesn't own up to it, then it's difficult. if he doesn't own up to it and gets indignant about you even mentioning it, then it might be a good thing to re-evaluate the friendship.

easy to say anyway.

(and if he gets angry or denies being indignant after getting angry or indignant, then run like a deer.)

ireneadler999 wrote:i don't know. if he owns up to flirting, then it's easier to tell him that's not what you're interested in and ask him to stop. if he doesn't own up to it, then it's difficult. if he doesn't own up to it and gets indignant about you even mentioning it, then it might be a good thing to re-evaluate the friendship.

easy to say anyway.

(and if he gets angry or denies being indignant after getting angry or indignant, then run like a deer.)

I'm afraid to even say that Like so far I've just been ignoring him for 2 days.

I'm so PO'd right now the more I think about it

Just nothing can ever be easy with males can it???

GOD!

-- Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:07 am --

NEX wrote:I'm a guy,
I have seen this before, on average it is the woman who's is trying to make the two point conversion to have the dude switch teams ( that's just what I have seen )

Really?

crimsonandclover wrote:
Really?

Yes, I have a friend Jimmy, over the years I have known Jim he has had 3 women pursue him, one of them tried to put the moves on Jimmy after she liquored him up and... in his words "it just does not work for me" meanwhile my other friends are frustrated because the same girls will not give them the time of day, the girls just love Jimmy's personality.

Anyways good luck I'm sure it must feel very awkward for you, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes
either way that is awkward.

Let us know what you did and how it goes.

-SmileXx