Help: I had to let her go but I am sick with grief

I recently broke off a 1-1/2 year relationship with my ex girlfriend. I say 1-1/2 years; however, after the first six months things got really chaotic. She has not been diagnosed with BPD, but I am very certain that she is. I have never seen an illness with such consistent symptoms! The problem is I love her, at least the woman I knew in the first six months. The woman I love is still "in there" trapped and tortured. I love her so much, but her behavoir became too destructive. So destructive that I found myself doing a lot of research to try to discover what was wrong. I have two children from a previous marriage and so does she. I just had to try to protect my kids and myself from her behavior. I could go on for ever describing the "relationship" and symptoms, but everyone here I am sure already knows the stories. The problem is I can't shake the grief I feel for the broken relationship. I had such high hopes for us to be a family. Our relationship was so intense in every way. I am trying to maintain no contact but it is very difficult since we both go to the same church. She is currently seeking cousleing at church; however, the church counseling is not capable of handling a BPD person. Two different docotrs tried to tell her to check herself into a mental health facility. Of course that wasn't going to happen. I can't blame her for that. If a doctor tried to tell me that I would be afraid of that too. I want her to get help. I fear that one day I will be atteneding her funeral! I love her with everything in me. I truly am sick with grief over this break up. Her worst fears have been acknowlwdged..."I left her"! I wish she knew that I broke up because of the destructive behavior not because I don't love her. I know I had no choice in leavng due to her behavoirs and recent addictions. However, I feel terribly guilty for leaving! That is the one thing she has feared since our second date! The first red flag! Any advice for me would be great! Part of me needs to let go, the other wants to be with her. I really thought she was going to be my wife. Our kids even hit it off too. I feel so empty and alone without her. I don't miss the constant rescuing. I miss the woman I fell in love with. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Hi, anyone_real! You could let her know exactly why you left and how you feel, maybe it'd help open her eyes a bit. You could write her a letter or tell her in person, whichever you think might be best.
Does she have more family? Would they be willing to help you talk to her about getting good professional help?
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's going to be ok. You still have your kids and you're looking out for your family, that is good.

Thanks for the advice. I have spoken with her about why I was breaking off the relationship. Actually, on more thean one occasion. It seems, part of her knows, the other part needs to blame me to confirm her fears and feelings. The physical world around her always MUST "fit", or conform to the way she is feeling at the time. Facts seem to get severely distorted. I think I will write her a letter. That sounds like a good idea. That way it is in black and white and she can process it at her own speed and time. I want her to really know that I love her. It would be nice if someday she could actually accept/receive love. She has such a destructive view of herself. It's as if her identity must be affirmed through someonelse.
Her family would not be much help at least not right now. Maybe I should have spoken with them before. They have clearly struggled with her throughout their parenting years. Her father struggles with some mental issues as well. He is a Vietnam veteran that has seen and experienced too much for any one person to cope with. He actually seeks counsel on occasion. I think they are as unaware as I have been that such a thing as BPD exists! A lot of her life has been kept a secret from her family. I don't think they would even believe me if I described the things she says she has experienced. It amazes me that children can grow up under your care and not notice such terrible things have happened. I pray constantly that God gives me wisdom, understanding, and disernment to raise my two girls with open eyes, and a loving heart at all times.
Thanks again for your advice.

Yah, it might help her to have the letter. There isn't much you can do for her now, it's in her hands to get help.
Her parents are still responsible for the way she was raised and how they looked after her, though. You are going to be a good father, don't worry.
Let me know how it goes!

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I feel your pain. I too have two children and they must come first. You have done the right thing. You cannot change her and you cannot fix her. If you continue to pursue her, she will take you down. Stand firm and strong. Stop any and all contact. Go to a different church. It will take time but you will start to feel better. I'm still in the healing stage. I was severely devalued and rejected. You don't want to feel those things. You don't deserve it. The only method of healing is to stay away from her. I'm no one really to be giving advice as I am still in the early stages of healing but I've come quite a ways from where I started out. I understand a little more about PD behavior and it's nothing you want to be a part of. Get yourself to a psychologist or therapist that's educated in PD's. It will help you. Good luck and just be glad you didn't invest more time that you already have. Even one minute with a disordered human is too much.

imstrong