why am I so nuts?

I try posting things on FB to see if anyone will respond to me, if anyone will notice that I'm losing my mind, and say something, or ask how I am doing. They never do. So, that's why I've ended up here. I looked at my FB and every time I do I start thinking about killing myself because of all my 27 FB friends (I frequently delete people, because they aren't real friends), none of them are real friends either. And no one else seems to be going insane on their FB, posting cries for help on their wall. It just seems to be me.

Why when everything is going fine, do I still think about killing myself ALL THE TIME? I am the best student in at least 2 of my classes, and because I feel sorry for the others I sent out an email asking if they wanted a study group. Only one person responded so far. I have to try to talk myself out of feeling like a complete loser who no one will ever love, which I am prone to feel and believe all because of this stupid incident. Even when I'm not crying and desperate and having an anxiety attack and drowning in depression, I still think about slitting my wrists. It would be better this way. At least I'm more rational right now, and no one will see it coming.

I'm sick of feeling like Gollum, talking to myself all the time, telling myself how much I hate myself and everything I do wrong, even though it's usually about things that probably aren't really wrong. But I can't stop that either.

I once had a blog where I used to vent all this stuff, but someone found out it was me, and I was called into the Dean's office, and forced to talk to some counseling-school student intern and pretend to get better so I didn't get kicked out of grad school. So, it seems like this is my only option for sharing with someone else how I feel. Hopefully without negative repercussions.

I know how you feel. Even though I never post my real feelings on facebook, I am ALWAYS tempted to do it. To cry out for help and hope somebody hears me and then helps me. But I don't, because I know I would be really embarrassed and that it would just alienate people. I really don't want to make you feel bad by saying that- but crying out for help on facebook just doesn't normally work. It's heartbreakingly disappointing.

People can be really extremely uncaring. It's shocking. It's not that you don't matter. It has nothing to do with you. It's just that people are crappy selfish cowards!! This is not always true, of course. People can (sometimes) be incredibly loving, caring and out-reaching. But when somebody is visibly in need for help and is even crying out for help, they are so so so often ignored.

Think of Amy Winehouse. She needed help. It was so obvious. Nobody did anything, really. People just watched her fall. Some horrible, small people even enjoyed it. It's not because she's a bad person- she was a soulful, wonderful, talented but deeply hurt person. It's just that other people are selfish.

Think of a person with an eating disorder or a drug addiction. Not only do they have a very hard time finding help, but people are actually disgusted with them. People actually have the perception that this person "deserves" to be going through their disorder/addiction.

Go to a big city. Walk down the street. You will see people who are homeless, addicted to drugs, probably have various mental health/physical health issues. They need so much help, attention and love. But people just walk by with their heads up, pretend they didn't see. They feel resentfully inconvenienced if they are asked for money.

I am giving these examples not to say that there are people who have it worse than you- fcuk people who say that kind of thing! I'm giving these examples to show how selfish, lazy and uncaring others can be, when a person is in need. Perhaps people are also afraid- they do not know what to do to help. Regardless, you deserve help, love, and listening. If it's not already obvious, I'm willing to be as helpful as I can be. Making people feel calm makes me feel good. It's all the reward that I want.

Could you start writing in a journal? Or a private blog? Or do you want to write things that others can see and respond to? Writing in a public blog could definitely be problematic, especially if you are accessing it at school/work, since others might find it. But writing out your feelings doesn't always have to have negative repercussions, there are precautions you can take to have privacy. I guess you need to figure out whether you need other people to interact with what you write, and then you will be able to find an appropriate venue to write what you need. Perhaps you could have a blog that is private and friends-only, and only allow people you don't know in real life onto your friends list? I know livejournal would be good for that.

People are often oblivious to the things right in front of them.
It's a human flaw.

I know how hard it is when you feel like you're reaching out and getting nothing back.
It seems, though, that when someone reached out to you, you felt it was negative.
Perhaps because they took a third party route instead of talking to you directly?

What kind of response is it that you're looking for?
Yes, I know counseling isn't what everyone is looking for, but that's why I ask what it is that you are looking for? Just someone to take notice of your life? I know how much I often ache for just that kind of response to my life, too.

We're here for you. This place has a lot of people, and while that can be great, and there are a lot of people here to talk to you, it's also very easy to feel like you've been lost in the crowd.

I'm always here to talk. Directly.

Also, if you like blogging, there is a blog option here, which is free and you're free to use it, instead of some big site that you could be found on by just anyone from where ever.

I hope you find what you're looking for here.

mydogismyonlyfriend wrote:I try posting things on FB to see if anyone will respond to me, if anyone will notice that I'm losing my mind, and say something, or ask how I am doing. They never do. So, that's why I've ended up here. I looked at my FB and every time I do I start thinking about killing myself because of all my 27 FB friends (I frequently delete people, because they aren't real friends), none of them are real friends either. And no one else seems to be going insane on their FB, posting cries for help on their wall. It just seems to be me.

A couple of things to keep in mind..... This is important, and you'll learn this sooner or later...

1.. Many people are uncomfortable with mental health issues and just don't know what to say. So depending on what you're saying in your posts it may make them uncomfortable, they may not know what to say or you're right and they just don't care.
2.. You state above these 27 people aren't your real friends either... If that's the case can you blame them for not posting? If that's true, then they probably don't know what to say to you.
3.. You're better off not discussing your mental health issues with "real" friends. Most don't know what to say, and many will choose not to be around because it makes them feel uncomfortable and they don't want to be your councelor, and we live in pretty superficial society and they don't want you bringing them down. Get yourself a councelor or use the forum.

I had a therapist until last week. She turned out to be controlling. I should have known. She had a savior complex. She was going to save me from my horrible family and had already made up her mind about everything and what I needed to do. I just needed to do it. Her way. I should have known as soon as she started acting like she thought she was my Messiah. They always turn, once you express your own individual will. First family, then friends, then men, then my therapist. My cynicism, if anything, is only increasing. People suck. I think maybe we are all just f-ed up because we're realists. At least, that's what I tell myself.

I have an urge to cut myself. I suppose I probably shouldn't.

You are better of posting here then on FB. Here we understand and hear you, people go through similar dark periods. On FB people go for superficial contact, so it isn't a good place for you right now i believe.

Can find in yourself a cause, a reason your self esteem is low? You say you do well at school so obviously there is nothing wrong with your mental capabilities.

Sometimes the rootcause of these dark thoughts is something small that once happened and just grew out of proportions in your mind.

Do you mind telling us where that comes from?

mydogismyonlyfriend wrote:I had a therapist until last week. She turned out to be controlling. I should have known.

Remember that suffering from BPD includes a tendency to think in a black and white way about people in your life, especially your therapist. How long had you been seeing her?

mydogismyonlyfriend wrote:I have an urge to cut myself. I suppose I probably shouldn't.

Of course you shouldn't.

My therapist was a family friend, who had grown up with my mother. I had been seeing her for 2 months. Regardless, she doesn't want to see me anymore anyway because I "disrespected" her by telling her how I really feel. She's an amateur. She is just a social worker.

And yes, I do mind telling you where my dark thoughts come from because I don't think I'm blowing anything out of proportion. Like sexual abuse. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. Abuse and bullying at school every day for years. Sexual assault. Rejection. Humiliation.

That's serious stuff. I can understand you having dark thoughts. Ask yourself this question:

What is my goal and what do i do to i reach it.

If your goal is to live a relatively comfortable live, dark thoughts aren't going to get you there.

An awful past is best left in the past except ofcourse if there still are legal ways to cope with it. If you can control it. Otherwise hanging on to that past causes grief and hardship. It hurts only you. Injustice is cruel no doubt about it. Punishing yourself over it is much more cruel.

In that way you become your own nemesis. As hard as it is, acceptance of the past is the only way forward. Accept it, give it a place, and allow yourself to enjoy life. It's your life after all.