False Hope and Feeling Devastated

This morning I laid next to my boyfriend. He looked at me and reached his arms out to me and pulled me close to him. I thought everything was OK. I cuddled him the rest of the morning.

I talked to him about it. He said he doesn't remember any of it.

I feel devastated now. I wanted so badly for that to have been genuine. I miss cuddling with him so much.

We have therapy tomorrow, but I feel so heart broken now. He said he doesn't really have hope for our relationship making it. He has acted angry and distant towards me all day, slamming things, typing really hard on the keyboard. He has never shown anger like that

I hate being so messed up. I hate that I trap him in this relationship. I wish I could let go, but I can't. Every time I think about it, I feel terrified. I feel the same feelings I felt when I found my father dead. I know there's a link, but I don't know how to get over it. I've tried therapy for so long, it just isn't helping. I just keep getting worse. I know having PTSD f!@#s up my chances of recovery, and so does being in a non-supportive relationship.

I just want this hell to end.

atomicuniverse wrote:I hate being so messed up. I hate that I trap him in this relationship. I wish I could let go, but I can't. Every time I think about it, I feel terrified. I feel the same feelings I felt when I found my father dead. I know there's a link, but I don't know how to get over it. I've tried therapy for so long, it just isn't helping.

I think, perhaps, what may be indicated here is a little bit of... self-forgiveness. You're being extremely hard upon yourself -- even going to the point of assuming responsibility for the actions of independent others, such as your boyfriend.

You say you 'trap' him in the relationship. I am very sorry to hear that you feel this way. However, I hope you understand that this is, in fact, an impossibility. You are not responsible for the actions or reactions of others. His anger, his aloofness'? All of those things are how he is choosing to react to what is occurring around him. You are not trapping him. If any sort of feelings of entrapment are going on, perhaps it might be more logical to let him take the assumption of responsibility for those emotions?

You lost your father, and now you fear losing everything that might mean anything to you. The link, as you've so aptly pointed out, is obvious. I am so very sorry to hear that you feel as though therapy is not helping you. Perhaps you could explain a little more about the type of therapy you have been receiving, and why you feel it is not working for you? Having a diagnosis of PTSD is not a death sentence -- it just adds a lot of difficult challenges. Maybe what you are feeling now is an indicator that your current coping mechanisms and ways of treating the problem (read: therapy) are no longer what is needed, and a change is required to get you to where you need to be.

What she said.

-- Tue Sep 20, 2011 3:38 am --

With a few tiny reservations....but yeah, what she said. lol