Why am I so Nice?

I try really hard to be a nice person and a "good girl". I hate trying so hard to be nice all of the time, it's really draining. I'm actually a really judgmental and angry person. So I suppose I am two faced, as much as I hate to admit it.
When I was younger, I had a really smart mouth. I said things to shock people, to try to get attention. Frequently, I ended up getting negative attention because I would go to far and end up just pissing people off. When did it all change? When did I start being so nice? and why do I feel that I must be so nice?
I have a feeling that if I were healthy I wouldn't try so hard to be a nice person. I'm not sure who the real me is, but she probably isn't nice all of the time.
Of course being nice means that I just feel more and more anger that I have to push down.
I just don't want people to leave me. I don't want anyone to get mad at me. I feel completely at the mercy of others. So I must do my best to not be offensive and be good so that if I need someone they will be there for me.
I even feel that I have to be nice on here. Hopefully one day I will get to the point where I would rather be real than to pretend to be nice and good. However, right now I'm not sure what real is.

mooshoo wrote:I try really hard to be a nice person and a "good girl". I hate trying so hard to be nice all of the time, it's really draining. I'm actually a really judgmental and angry person. So I suppose I am two faced, as much as I hate to admit it.
When I was younger, I had a really smart mouth. I said things to shock people, to try to get attention. Frequently, I ended up getting negative attention because I would go to far and end up just pissing people off. When did it all change? When did I start being so nice? and why do I feel that I must be so nice?
I have a feeling that if I were healthy I wouldn't try so hard to be a nice person. I'm not sure who the real me is, but she probably isn't nice all of the time.
Of course being nice means that I just feel more and more anger that I have to push down.
I just don't want people to leave me. I don't want anyone to get mad at me. I feel completely at the mercy of others. So I must do my best to not be offensive and be good so that if I need someone they will be there for me.
I even feel that I have to be nice on here. Hopefully one day I will get to the point where I would rather be real than to pretend to be nice and good. However, right now I'm not sure what real is.

Hi mooshoo...we must be mind reading seriously..

I was just gonna put up a post with similar things like your saying....i totally get what you saying..especially when u said if you were healthy you wouldnt try so hard to be nice....

At the mo, im pissed off with the fact that everyone has just critisised me for buying something that they dont think i should have (a cheap car)...but one friend, i now just feel so guilty thinking how she might feel upset because she knows that she upset me...well it wasnt so much her, just more coz everyone else too..(ha, here i go, doing what u said as well, even being nice on here, its like i feel horrible writing anything about certain people that isnt positive). So even though inside i feel really mad that people treat me like i aint gotta clue...ffs, ive owned a house for 10 years, surely i cant be that stupid with things...i now at the same time feel like i should be extra nice so she knows i not mad with her..(even thow i am)

Man are we confusing....thinking of you, hear if you need to chat.xx

So do you feel you have to be nice as a means to an end, as in you are afraid that people may alienate you so you have to be nice so they don't?

moomin wrote:So do you feel you have to be nice as a means to an end, as in you are afraid that people may alienate you so you have to be nice so they don't?

I feel like i hate the thought of someone hurting, whether it be through my fault or through someone else, even though i know that most people i know dont take everything to heart in the way i do, i feel like they would...even if and when i do end up saying something il worry how i made that person feel and how i would feel...

saying that, i dont feel like this for everyone...but pretty much...mmm or maybe it just depends on how i feel at the time actually...but today i feel this way.

Confidence i think also plays a part in this with me.

And also that i just dont want to be alone and people will not want to bother with me if they see all sides of my personality...x

I try really hard to be a nice person and a "good girl". I hate trying so hard to be nice all of the time, it's really draining. I'm actually a really judgmental and angry person

LOL



I laugh of course, because i feel the same way. I've come to realise, i'm both.

I even feel that I have to be nice on here. Hopefully one day I will get to the point where I would rather be real than to pretend to be nice and good. However, right now I'm not sure what real is

You are being real right now.....


You are probably being real when you are nice a lot of the time too.........


Normal people, fake nice all the time. They don't really worry about it........don't even really see it as being "fake". It's just we get too caught up in trying to figure out who we are and are we "really" nice or "really" not......

Now, it sounds like....you may cross the line........being "too" nice, in order to keep others happy.
It's a decent strategy......but it sounds like it doesn't work too well for you.

I guess maybe, practise here? Try really hard..........to say a bit more of what you think and a bit less of what you think others would like to hear.

Start with me! LOL

unity1 wrote:

moomin wrote:So do you feel you have to be nice as a means to an end, as in you are afraid that people may alienate you so you have to be nice so they don't?

I feel like i hate the thought of someone hurting, whether it be through my fault or through someone else, even though i know that most people i know dont take everything to heart in the way i do, i feel like they would...even if and when i do end up saying something il worry how i made that person feel and how i would feel...

saying that, i dont feel like this for everyone...but pretty much...mmm or maybe it just depends on how i feel at the time actually...but today i feel this way.

Confidence i think also plays a part in this with me.

And also that i just dont want to be alone and people will not want to bother with me if they see all sides of my personality...x

But all that shows you're a nice person, you don't want others to hurt, because you're genuinely nice. You've got a lot of empathy for others. Hmm, maybe not the last bit lol. But that's why I try and give advice when you're in difficulty because I think you're genuinely a nice person and you try really hard not to behave badly.

moomin wrote:

unity1 wrote:

moomin wrote:So do you feel you have to be nice as a means to an end, as in you are afraid that people may alienate you so you have to be nice so they don't?

I feel like i hate the thought of someone hurting, whether it be through my fault or through someone else, even though i know that most people i know dont take everything to heart in the way i do, i feel like they would...even if and when i do end up saying something il worry how i made that person feel and how i would feel...

saying that, i dont feel like this for everyone...but pretty much...mmm or maybe it just depends on how i feel at the time actually...but today i feel this way.

Confidence i think also plays a part in this with me.

And also that i just dont want to be alone and people will not want to bother with me if they see all sides of my personality...x

But all that shows you're a nice person, you don't want others to hurt, because you're genuinely nice. You've got a lot of empathy for others. Hmm, maybe not the last bit lol. But that's why I try and give advice when you're in difficulty because I think you're genuinely a nice person and you try really hard not to behave badly.

Aww thank u moomin
I think you and sooo many people on this forum are so nice too...empathy on this forum runs a lot higher (from my opinion) than i know it in real life...mmm..i think?? i really appreciate your advice moomin.xx

I'm not so sure about "even on this forum" - it doesn't exactly seem like the best place to be judgemental - not that i never have been, remember quite a few times posting stuff on the NPD forum that pretty much added up to "Vaknin is a tw@t".

idk - its tricky to be judgemental about most people on these forums who are coming here to sort things out honestly, at least they know something is up, and if i want to be judgemental, here isn't really the place.

i've got to admit im a bit judgemental of the nons who come here to mouth off about their partners, and about people trying to act out drama etc on forums, but also accept i don't understand, so i should try hard not to judge when im here.

im very judgemental of people in the social scene i used to be involved in... and don't hesitate to say so, Lol.

i think everyone can be judgemental sometimes, its all about being human. we all have opinions and perspectives... even if you don't have a good "sense of self", you still experience life some way or other.

Yeah, maybe you should let it out more, i guess its ok here to say "i am judgemental of", but its a sort of therapeutic environment, i wouldn't like it if people came here to judge me, so i also get why its helpful to try not to act that way.

imho, No reason not to express your personal judgements in ways at are ok tho

Sometimes i do also find it hard to express what i really think/feel. mostly cause i'm paranoid. lol. i'm not used to letting people in, and when i need to - and even when i want to - i find it quite hard. i expect some of that probably has a lot to do with my upbringing. im not amazingly empathic myself, but i do try to be decent to people round here.

Twisted, you are so right about trying to be too nice and it not working for me. I tried really hard to be nice to this guy that waited on me at Starbucks the other day because I thought it was doing him a favor. His words were nice, but he didn't make eye contact with me. I was so pissed off. I was thinking, "don't you realize that you should be grateful that I am being nice to you, you horse's ass."
Deep down inside I am really nice, however, I am also extremely judgmental. I really don't cut anyone any slack.
I am really starting to think that my smart mouth getting me in trouble may have been a major contributing factor to my niceness. When I do say what I really feel, people act like I am weird, or they are offended. So I try to keep my mouth shut.
Unity, are you projecting your feelings onto other people? That may be something to take a look at. I think that you are a genuinely empathetic person, however, we do tend to project our stuff on to other people. We think that we are worried about their feelings when we are really projecting our own fears onto them. It ends up being much more about us really than it is about trying to protect them.

-- Mon Sep 19, 2011 4:32 pm --

Katana, I don't mean that I am not being real here because I hold back judgement. I am talking about stating my opinions about anything that may be contrast to what someone else has posted. So I am scared to express my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions if it isn't the same as others. I wouldn't like to come on here to be judged either.

mooshoo wrote:-- Mon Sep 19, 2011 4:32 pm --

Katana, I don't mean that I am not being real here because I hold back judgement. I am talking about stating my opinions about anything that may be contrast to what someone else has posted. So I am scared to express my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions if it isn't the same as others. I wouldn't like to come on here to be judged either.

Ah I see. I don't have that problem, but I sometimes reserve judgement and wait till something pans out because I don't want to jump the gun. But no, I don't have that problem, maybe because I'm not that frightened of people? Does that make me not very nice, because I can actually be really scary and evil? Hmm. No I believe I'm a nice person, but I know what I'm capable of. I just choose not to indulge that side of me that's scary.

Do you find that you care too much about what others may think of you?