Lonely

I really hate this intense feeling of being alone even though my daughter and boyfriend maybe in the same room. I long for a hug but when i ask for one its almost like it is meaningless, or im just an inconvience. Theres no affection there. I really really want some affection, closeness, intermitancy but its just not there and hasnt been for years. Makes me feel so sad, ugly, unloved, unworthy. I think if i stop wanting what i cant have and just accept that nothing is going to change then maybe i can be happy, but deep down i know i am kidding myself and this longing is never going to go away. Makes it worse when i see other people happy, holding hands, in love. Why cant i have that? I am such a bad person? I dont want a big house or a flash car all i want is to feel loved.....

You're far from a bad person, Nutter. There's nothing wrong at all with wanting to be loved. It's all any of us want. I can understand why you'd feel bad, asking for a hug. I'd feel the same way. You want to be wanted, and having to ask for a hug makes it feel more like a chore than a desire.

As for seeing other couples happy, it's the same thing. It's just a reminder. Lately, I've found that more and more, I'm doing the same thing. As much as I don't want to, I think that right now, I'd even settle for a loveless relation, just to have someone to hold every once in a while.

So no, you're not a bad person, and no, you're not alone.

Loneliness sucks but I reckon feeling love for someone else is so much better than feeling loved ourselves. Especially a love for a child. It is so pure, so deep, it takes over our heart.

You seem a bit depressed. Is it worth having a med review? Or maybe getting as active as you can doing stuff you like? Or volunteering so you can feel part of the community?

Nutter,

i can't write much as my laptop is about to shut itself down in a min, lol, but you're not a bad person, or worthless, and are NOT an inconvenenience. you do sound a bit depressed ...i dont know if it helps, but just in case it might, here's a big (((((((((hug))))))))) for you.

Thankyou for posting a reply and your all right i am depressed. I am finding it so difficult to be interested in anything, i dont want to do anything, go anywhere, everthing i used to like doing just doesnt interest me anymore and the meds were reviewed a few weeks ago because if the stupid side effects so now im on a really low dose. I have to go back to tge docs in 10 days anyway as the last meds made my bloodpressure too high. I hate being like this. I feel so alone and sick of pretending im ok when i am clearly not ok.
All i can see is that love is that thing that can change me back into a happyish person but that is out of reach right now. I really want another child as i need to be needed and my daughter is 15 now, inderpendant, doesnt need me now. I so regret not having more kids but no chance of that as there has been no intermicy in our realationship for years. I feel like i live in my own lonely world of self hate. I just dont see the point in life at all. Im not about to do anything stupid as i would never put my daughter through that, but i do think about it.
Maybe its just yet another bad day, probably wonder what the hell i was talking about by tommorrow!
Thankyou for lisening even if i dont make much sence

Can completely understand where you're coming from with the depression. I've just returned from a 3 day major episode where I seriously considered taking myself to the hospital. It was scary. Pretending you're ok is even more draining than just being depressed. I crave wanting to be held by someone while I cry and fall apart. I hate how lonely it feels. You're not a bad person.

It all made perfect sense to me.
Thinking of you
Lily

Craving wanting someone to hold me while i fall apart sums it up perfectly Lily!
Anyway feeling ok again now but i guess it wont last long , never does these days.
Its stange because on the rare occassions that i feel ok it just makes me feel like i faked the whole deppressive phase! I cant understand how i get so low so quickly. Its really quite scarey....

Nutter, I can totally relate to what you said about feeling okay makes you think that you faked the depressive episode. It is a completely frustrating and confusing experience. It's hard for me to remember an emotional state when I am not experiencing it in the moment, ie a depressive state if I am feeling okay. Then it's really like what is wrong with me? "There must not be anything wrong with me cause I'm fine right now. I guess I screwed myself up." I hate it.

mooshoo wrote:Nutter, I can totally relate to what you said about feeling okay makes you think that you faked the depressive episode. It is a completely frustrating and confusing experience. It's hard for me to remember an emotional state when I am not experiencing it in the moment, ie a depressive state if I am feeling okay. Then it's really like what is wrong with me? "There must not be anything wrong with me cause I'm fine right now. I guess I screwed myself up." I hate it.

This exactly how i feel too...exactly.x hugs nutter.x

I think it is great that we can see normal mood as the reality and the depressive episodes as the mental blips they truly are.