Toxic Parents to BPD

Hi

I am 28 years old. Married and living abroad. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, after a series of panic-attacks. I had experienced these panic attacks also 3 times as a teenager and had initially thought it was too much adrenaline, but now later realise that I was overwhelmed by the pressures that my parents put me through, I now know that I need help in order for my to save my other relationships. I am not taking meds or therapy. Just self motivation sport and keeping busy. Its not working.

When I was a child/teenager:
My parents told me often that I was bad/worthless. (one time my father told me, that he didnt have a son, that was like a knife in my heart). What could I have done so bad to deserve that).

My parents used physical pain to discipline me - I was beaten with a belt and a snooker stick by my father and cooking spoons from my mother. Anger tantrums from both of them.

My parents demand standards that were OTT. - Everyday I was litterally felt like I was in bootcamp. Schedules, plans, tasks and stand in-line discipline. I had 10 minutes to shower, dress and cleanup for the next person at 6am in the morning. School started at 9am. I had to clean some rooms in the house before school, so my mother didnt have to do it. There were 4 children, all having set tasks, schedules etc. I was not allowed to have friends come to the house, I never made friends because all the time I was at home - working, cleaning etc until I started to rebel at about 16 yrs old.

My parents disciplined me too much and it became 'normal'. - If I even though about rebelling at a younger age, I knew it would be worthless, I was smaller, they were bigger. When I was 10, I rebelled and my father took the mattress off my bed, he originally built the bed as a wooden bed, so I slept on the wooden planks, without a pillow or cover. I hated my parents. I felt abused. I felt how far can my parents go to punish me for something that they have the problem with. They needed help, not me. I was just a child.

I often cared for my parents because of their problems (buying books about their personality problems etc) - One day I went to a book store and came across self help books. I picked up a book called 'Go for it'. The cover was invited and looked like what I needed to 'survive'. The book was about thinking negatively and positively. I bought the book and read it from cover to cover. I wasnt a big reader, because i never had the time to read, except school books (boring). I then gave it to my father and he lived by the book. He then bought every self help book in the shop and preached for the rest of his life about every book. I felt then that I wasnt the problem, but himself. He was unhappy with my mother and he didnt know how to deal with it. I felt that I needed to go my own way to survive because my parents were just not fit to understand my needs and my inner self.

I was afraid/frightened of my parents - My father was a consistant unhappy person as a child. He took us on expensive holidays and outtings, making us feel overwhelmed with guilt and then expecting us to appreciate every god damned given thing we had, when we couldnt even understand it all. My father had terrible mood swings and we just didnt know when he would explode or when we had a difference of opinion that he was 200% always right and our judgement was 1000% wrong. I even feel the same today.

I litterally survived school - When I started my first year in secondary school, or equivelant of 6th Grade, I had a terrible math teacher. A teacher you could only dream of having a nightmare. I was sick to the stomach with his angry loud voice and I ended up failing the first year. I used to go to school and before class the pains of fear in my stomach, made be fart so loud and give me diarrhea. I was a walking nervous wreck. One day I went to the school master and told him I couldnt learn anything. told him that I had enough and that I was failing because there was no love or understanding in the classroom. The master called the teacher over and sat me in a private room. The teacher spoke normal to me and told me to do my best. Everyday I used to open the door for this teacher at lunch break out of fear and wanting him to accept me. I didnt know what else to do. I liberated myself for fighting fear in the face. When I came home, my parents already knew about what happened as the school master called my parents. Well my parents were giving out to me, especially my father, said I had to take the consequences of my actions, for doing what I did. I then became confused and afraid. I thought I did the right thing. Obviously not to my parents. I learned that fighting fear was wrong, but when my father spoke about fear - it is what motivated him. To come back to the consequences of my ordeal at school. I felt there was no consequences, but my father felt there was. I still today have seen no consequences of what happened that day in school and probably never will, but to tell me this was a major turning point in my life that only today I still have problems with. All I wanted was for the fear to go away, thats all. I went through the rest of my school days in fear, anxious behaviour...waiting for the consequences. I studied out of fear, I lived out of fear. I was a walking time-bomb that exploded, but I didnt realise what it was until now. Overwhelming fear! NO Love, no sense of belonging. Just fear! The day I passed school, was the day I was free. I hated school and because of it, I was liberated again. But it was a struggle. A struggle to live in fear, no emotional support, no effectionate love and no friends. I was then 18.

Now that I am an adult:
I experience intense emotional reactions after spending time with my parents. Its a long story!

My parents control me with guilt - After separating, I dont know who to go to

My parents still treat me as if I am a child

My parents are separated through my fathers affair. Most hurtful experience.

My parents never listen to me or know how I am - My mother calls me 1 or 2 in 2-3 months, If I don't call, the 'fire goes out'.

This is a toothpick of the things that I went through and still go through.

I feel like screaming on the top of my voice to my family and the world. I have punished myself with alcohol and depression and through all of the BPD traits. I have start to look after myself but still haunted everyday by the BPD traits and is destroying my wife's life and my friends and colleagues. I miss my family dearly, but know that its not a pretty place to go back to. I have developed a severe stomach problem and need to get an operation. My mother had cancer during her separation and guilty feelings allover. I fear disease and fear mostly everything. Avoid people and like/hate them quickly. I judge like mad and feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen a Physco for my wife's benefit, but ran away for fear of the financial costs.

This is my first step in telling my story. I used to have many ICQ friends, but after leaving home, I have zero. I feel I have no one to talk to and dont always want to bother brothers/sisters/wife

Letting it out helps me
Thank you for listening.

PoisonOakley

Personality Type: INFJ

My upbringing wasn't that intense, but there were times like those. I was an only child, am now 32, have two very work-aholic, high acheivers and very controlling / unvalidating when I was growing up. They are in their sixites and still have fulltime jobs! I showed much artistic and musical talent when I was young, and my mother who was very controlling / generally depressed about life refused to give me music or drawing lessons. They could afford three story homes with antiques and refinished basements but couldn't make way for some lessons for their adopted little boy. My mom just thought "oh, it's so nice that he's talented and bright, but couldn't agree to give me music lessons, despite knowing all along I have artistic biological relatives. Maybe she didn't want to give up control to a tutor, or maybe she just resented my gifts. My dad was "difficult", and like my mom, he would fly off the handle at the drop of a dime, at times, I was afraid of him. The biggest troubles I had was the emotional abuse, and neglect, that was more manipulative than the occasional "whipping". To make matters worse, we moved every 1-2 years, I attended FIVE different elementary schools, in different places, always lost connections to those places and friends too. I attended 2 high schools. I barely made it through undergraduate, mostly for fear of abandonment if I failed to get that degree. But I did graduate. I've been through 20 or so jobs in the past 11 years, at least. I've started and quit school too, I cannot even focus on my creative gifts for too long, I just don't persist. Over the last 4 years I've grown very angry at my jobs, lost a few because of lack of enthusiasm and anger. I've alienated everyone I ever knew, right now I have ZERO friends. I am working part time and going to school for something I have come to dislike - paralegaling, but my parents won't support me if I drop out , I'm getting another Bachelors Degree, which is turning out to be worthless, as I don't have the desire or temperment to be a legal secretary. I always end up in subservient jobs, clerical, office assistant, and my resume spells UNDER ACHIEVER. I am to the point where I am unable to go to work daily, and haven't gone to class in weeks. I'm getting so angry, I'm losing my fear of my parents. I feel like a phoney at work and at school, and at the few social events I attend. I question why I'm still alive, I could never bring children into this attrocious disgusting sick world. I just wish I could go somewhere and enjoy my life, have a girlfriend, support myself and play my music and write, have some friends and a life. My anger just grows stronger.

So, there is at least one person who can understand what you have gone through.

I too was disciplined with a belt. My mother called me worthless and always asked, "Can't you do anything right?"

I wonder that myself these days.

She always said, "YOUR the one with the problem" and I thought to myself, "she's INSANE." and she is.

I realize my mom is TOXIC. I can't stand to be around her and NO ONE understands. Everyone says I need to forgive her and mend the relationship. WHAT RELATIONSHIP? She never calls or pays attention to me unless something is WRONG. That's how I get attention now. I make something go wrong in my life. It seems like no one even notices I'm alive unless I'm screwing up.

Read a book called TOXIC PARENTS if you haven't already.

Good luck to you and I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM!!!